My little boy will be 19 months in a few days.. He's very smart, stubburn, strong willed and persistant.... He is into EVERYTHING, when we tell him "NO" he growls at us, laughs, and just does it again, I will redirect him a few times, but he always seems to go back to doing what he was doing before.. Or he throws HUGE Tantrums, he throws things, throws his hands down, screams, it's CRAZY.. Any suggestions? My hubby says, well if he's touching something you should tap his hand or whatever, but I'm not sure that works, or put him in time out. Can he really understand time out at this age, and where would you put him?

My almost 16-month son is doing the same thing. He also screams to be picked up, all the time. Our pedi tells us to lay down the law, and stick to it. In other words, don't pick him up and don't give in. I try but always end up picking him up either b/c I feel bad or b/c I can't take the crying. As for the tantrums, I've been hearing that consistency is the key. If you give him time out, keep doing it. If you tap his hand, keep doing it. Eventually, he will get it..........I think!

Thank You for the suggestions!! The only problem I have with hitting his hand is, when he gets mad when we tell him "NO" he throws a fit, throws things and hits things.. I just don't want him to think that hitting is ok, you know?

I've tried Time Out in the pack n play with no toys a few times... I have to say I'm a baby when it comes to him screaming sometimes... I leave him for a min and a half, because he's a yr and a half old, but most of the time I give in, I know I SHOULDN'T.. But, when he's screaming "mommy help" it's SAD!!

I know his tantrums are "Normal" he's almost 2... So I expect them, but sometimes when we go out to eat, it's hard.. There are some days when he's so good, then there are others when it's IMPOSSIBLE to have a meal out.... It's almost to the point where we don't want to go out to eat anymore... They give him crayons, but he just eats them, so we end up taking them away, which just makes him really really mad... We talked to the Pedi about it, and she said it was normal for the tantrums, the fits and all of that, which makes me feel good in one way, but in the other NOT!! You know?

At This age does he understand why he's in time out or why he's getting in trouble.. You know I sometimes say he doesn't get what he's doing when he says "NO" but I don't BELIEVE that anymore..I completely think he knows what he is doing....

You are probably when you say that he knows what he is doing. The problem with giving into him when he is screaming and yelling "mommy help" is that you are teaching him that if he makes enough noise, you will give in.

One of the big things that you have to remember is: YOU CANNOT DISCIPLINE HIM FOR BEING A TODDLER. Toddlers are loud, messy, and they love to dig. Try to limit his access to things that you don't want him to get into. Keep the door closed, or use a baby gate. Allow him to dig in harmless things like the pots and pans. My grandmother has a cabinet in the den that all of the kids are allowed to play in.

Time outs do work, but only if they understand why they are in time out. At this age, the only thing that I corrected for was defiance (and trust me they can be defiant) and if they were doing something that was potentially dangerous. I also corrected for disobedience, but I don't think that all kids at this age understand this concept. Mine definitely did! If he is throwing a tantrum and you put him in the playpen for a time out, leave him in the playpen until he stops screaming. If you pick him up before the tantrum is finished, you have defeated the purpose of a time out.

As for eating out, I have a few suggestions that we follow. Make sure that you pick a kid friendly restaurant so that he doesn't have to be too quiet. Try to get a booth if you can. My son hated the restaurant highchairs and it gives them a little bit of room to move around. Bring a few toys that he likes, Noah is 3.5 and he still doesn't use the colors that they give him. If he is eating at the restaurant, make sure that you order his food when you order your drinks so that he gets it first. And if he starts on it before you guys get yours, he will be finished by the time you are. If he isn't eating at the restaurant bring him something to snack on.

Try to plan eating out when your child isn't usually sleeping. If you eat out at nap time, that is just a disaster waiting to happen. If you are at a restaurant and your son has a complete meltdown, and trust me this can happen sometimes, be prepared to leave. One parent takes the crying child to the car and the other gets the food to go and pays the check. Above all, you don't want to ruin anyone elses meal (within reason). There are some people who have unreasonable expectations of how kids should act in a restaurant, and they expect parents to keep them completely silent.

Kids will make noise. If they don't want to hear them, they should go to a fancy restaurant where they can be pretty much guaranteed that there are no kids around. I wouldn't worry about a little bit of noise, and moving around. But please please, don't let your kids run around the restaurant. If he cannot keep still, it is time to go.

I'm sure you know most of this already, but sometimes it helps to have someone else tell you too.

ok, so if my son is crying (like there's no tomorrow!), should I not pick him up? I can't move an inch without him crying to be picked up.

kldupuis~ THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE SUGGESTIONS!! The ones with eating out will really help, as far as ordering his meals when we get our drinks, before we were waiting and ordering his when we got ours... It depends, sometimes we order him his own meal, and sometimes he just shares with us, depends on what he ate for breakfast and stuff like that, you know? Or if we have Ian, we just get a kids meal for the two of them and they share, Ian is fine with this, because he can't eat a whole meal by himself... For the most part we go to places where we know is't ok for him to himself, and to be a 19 month old little boy!! Most of the people usually fuss over him, we are like oh shhh or stuff like that and they are like oh he's fine, we like to listen to him, the older women, well he's got them wrapped around his little finger!

You are write about picking him up when he's throwing a tantrum, I'm doing better, then I was before.. Like you said I know it doesn't help him any, just teaches him, that if he's throwing a fit, I will get him, which only gives him the attention that he wanted, and it's really not good attention, just plays into it more, Right?

As for stuff around the house, it's pretty much KID PROOF.... He's nomrally baby gated in the living, and dining room.. By that I mean we haev pocket doors that seperate the living and dining room, we open those and put a gate at each door way, one going into the entrance way and the other going into the kitchen.. In the dining room is the table, our computer and some of his things, so it's pretty much his place, until he starts to rearrange things, and now he can reach the comp.. as for the living room, we moved the video's and DVD, put a lock on the stereo cabinet, but he still Turns the TV on and off over and over again, he laughs really hard when he does it.. When we tell him no, and put him in front of something else, or redirect him, he waits for us not to watch and he's back over doing it again... THANKS AGAIN for the input, really helps out..

Cutecam~ I don't think that is what she was saying.. I think she was mostly talking about when they are throwing a tantrum over something!~~

Cutecam: I was talking about tantrums. If your son is throwing a fit, don't pick him up. You can move him to a playpen or his crib so that he doesn't hurt himself by falling down or bumbing into something, but don't hold him. By giving him the attention that he wants, you are only adding fuel to the fire.

You also said that he cries all the time for you to pick him up. I know that this is frustrating. I would just do my best to re-direct him. Get him interested in something else. If he wants you to pick him up when you are cooking dinner, give him a pot and pan and let him bang around.

Maybe you can try, "Mommy can't hold you right now she is in the middle of _____. I'll hold you in a bit." And then continue whatever you are doing. He will cry, and probably loudly. But just keep reassuring him that you will hold him when you are finished. And when you finish, hold him. Make a big deal about him being patient, even when he wasn't. You might have to do this for a few days, but he will eventually learn that Mom will hold him, but sometimes she has to do other things.

I am sorry that you misunderstood my previous post. But I hope these suggestions help. I had to do this with my son, and he learned pretty quickly. But it was definitely hard to hear him cry. I don't think any Mom can take hearing their baby cry. Good Luck!

Darn trigger words...I know that I didn't say anything bad. But I'm sure it will be here soon...

I am going to try the dinner suggestions next time we go out to eat...

And for the time outs we are going to try that as well, especially when he's doing something that is harmful to him.. thanks again.

My son is 22 months today, and is a very "emotional" child, shall we say? lol

I personally have never given him a time-out, because I believe in natural consequences, and time-outs aren't a natural consequence.

I would NEVER punish a child for having a tantrum at this age....unless I was ABSOLUTELY, 100% sure that it was being done ONLY for attention. Even then, not giving them attention is a more natural consequence.

Children usually have tantrums because they are unable to control their emotions, not to "act out". If their parents GIVE IN to them when they get upset, THEN they will usually start purposely throwing tantrums to get what they want. But, there is a BIG difference between these two types of tantrums, so they should be treated differently.

A child who is screaming, hitting, etc. because they have lost control needs understanding, not punishment. You certainly need to let them know that hitting, screaming, etc. is not an acceptable way to express anger, frustration, etc., but I find the best thing to do in the moment is to ignore the BEHAVIOUR, redirect them, or just let them get it out and cool off. After the tantrum, is teaching time!

When my son has a tantrum, as soon as I know he can hear me, I start talking him out of it. I say things like "You're upset/angry/frustrated right now...I know that you want to ________, but you can't right now. That's making you feel upset."

I find that while I'm saying this, he will start to calm down, and then once he is calm, I say something like "I understand that your upset because ________. Hitting and screaming are not okay. You can say 'I'm mad' when you feel like that."

Of course, he's likely NOT going to say "I'm mad" the next time he feels that way! lol Children don't generally learn to control their emotions until between 4 and 7 years old. But, by starting at the beginning like this, you can pave the way, and make it easier for them to get to that stage.

As for eating out, I know the fear! lol Fortunately, my son is pretty good about it, although I'm just waiting for the bomb to drop! Just know that ALL parents have been there, and sometimes, you just have to order-in instead...

No problem...that is what we are here for after all. So that you can learn through our trial and error. Let me know how it goes...

For the OP, as I haven't read the rest of the posts.......Some people say that starting time out at 18 months is appropriate....I tend to disagree. At this age, children still do not have the communication skills necessary to let you know how they are feeling. It is our job as a parent to help them learn this, and by punishing your child for having feelings you really aren't teaching anything.

The best thing to do when a tantrum is happening, is to talk to your child VERY QUIETLY (like almost in a whisper), because they will quiet down to hear you. Once you have gotten them quiet then you try to teach them words to express their feelings. Observe what started the tantrum, and then say something like "I know you are upset because you can't play with that candle, and it makes you angry. Candles are not to be played with they can be dangerous, let's play with this truck instead" Then, simply move the candle out of sight until it's forgotten about and surround your son with appropriate play things.

Tapping hands only teaches a child that it's ok to hit when we are angry, and that's probably a lesson you don't want to teach.

If a time out is necessary (when you child is risking harming himself or someone else), I would place him in his crib or in a playpen, even the highchair, and try to talk him down from there. I would never just leave a child in time out to have a tantrum without taking the time to work through the issue, and never leave them in time out for more than a minute or 2.

At this age his tantrums really aren't tantrums, just expressions of anger/frustration, etc. Your son is not being defiant or disobedient, they have no concept of that yet. You have to remember that babies and young children are very narcissistic, they care only about pleasing themselves. It is a perfect age to start teaching our children less egocentric behavior, and you can say things like "it's upsetting to mommy when you cry, let's find words to use instead".

Dealing with these behaviors is probably one of the toughest parenting challenges we face. It's important to remember where your child is at developmentally, and to react in an appropriate manor. And, I can tell you from experience that understanding and compassion go a lot further than acting out in anger and frustration. Even the most gentle parents lose their cool from time to time, and in those instances (which usually result in more negative behavior from the child) we can use it as a learning experience for all. When I get anry and lose my cool with my 4 year old I always say to her "mommy is sorry for the way she reacted, I didn't use my words and my voice appropriately, can we please discuss how we are feeling and find better ways to express ourselves."

Good luck!!

And for cutecam - is there something wrong with picking up a 16 month old? I pick up both of my daughters every time the "ask" to be held (and my oldest is almost 4). If I'm busy doing something else I just throw on a sling or something and go on with my business. Personally, I don't see the harm in picking up a child when they want to be picked up, or the point of letting them cry because you are "too busy".......just my opinion.

Cjk76~ I agree with the tapping the hands issue, I don't believe that it teaches them anything, except that it's ok to hit when I don't get what I want, or when I'm angry...

When he's throwing a tantrum, yes it's usually when he's frustrated or when we tell him no. But, trying to sit him down and talk to him, doesn't work for us, because he just screams louder.. I don't have an issue with him screaming, just afraid that when he's having the tantrum and stuff, he'll hurt him self. He's very strong, he throws things, hits things, stomps around and sometimes throws himself on the floor. I know too that he does that because he can't tell me what he is feeling.. I have tried calmly talking to him, but like I said he won't listen, just screams louder, with him it's better if we put him in his pack n play and just walk away for a min.. Where I can still hear and see him, to be safe..

There are certain things that he does where I do believe he knows exactly what he is doing!! Like playing in the dog food, being rough with the dog, turning the TV off and on, stuff like that, I know he knows what he is doing, because he looks right at me and says "NO NO" but still touches it, while he's watching to see what I'll do.. Is that him be defiant or disobedient, I'm not sure, it's more then likely him pushing his boundaries and wanting to see what he can and can't get awawy with.. I'm not sure.. But, he's a very smart little boy, talking very much.. When he does start to scream and yell very loudly, and we think it's too loud, especially if we are out. I will say, can you whisper like mommy, or something to that affect, I know he understands what I'm saying because he tries very hard to do so.. Or when he's yelling, because he's frustrated with soemthing, I will go up to him, talk to him a little and just say, let's calm down, use your words.. If I catch him before he goes into a full tantrum and its to the point where he's out of hand or going to hurt himself then there is no talking> (does that make sense?)

Thank You for your suggestions and advice, I appreciate them all

I don't think Cutecam was saying that there was something wrong with picking up her 16 month old, I just think she meant, her little one wants to be held and picked up all of the time.. There are just some times when you can't... Maybe trying getting them interested in something else, if you get him/her right then and there, like a toy till you can safely pick them up.. YOu know?

I think you are absolutely right, there are things that our children no they are doing, but it is seeing what they can get away with, and not so much being defiant. Like I said, children are self-centered and they only do what they think is fun, even if they aren't supposed to.

As for the yelling and screaming thing, I think initially, yes, it does make the child just get louder, but if you consistently and in a calm voice say "I know you are feeling frustrated, let's talk about it" your child will calm down and without the feeling of being abandoned to cry in a play pen. When a child is feeling frustrated over something they can't express they need understanding and compassion to help them figure out better ways to express their feelings. If you wait until the tantrum is over and then try to teach the lesson you've really lost the opportunity, as children move on very quickly and once they've fogotten what the tantrum was over it's very difficult to redirect their attention to figuring out what caused it and how they were feeling. I believe that it's important to teach the lesson as the feelings are occuring, it's easier for a child to recognize the feelings, recognize the inapporpriate behavior, and then find new ways of coping. That way, next time they are having that feeling they can internalize and pull out their new coping techniques to use.

With regards to the holding thing, I just don't see anything wrong with a baby or toddler wanting to be picked up and held all of the time. In my opinion, there aren't times when you can't hold/carry your baby (ok, maybe if you are cutting the grass, or blowing glass, lol). If you've equipped yourself with the appropriate carriers than there's really no time that your child can't be held. I've held my daughters on my back in a wrap while cooking, on the front in my wrap or Mei Tai while using the restroom, in a water sling while in the shower, etc. If there's somethng you have to do that you can't hold your child, it can always wait until said child is sleeping.

I will try the other suggestions as far as when he is throwing a tantrum and see how they work.. At least I'll try again..

The holding thing.. I think we all have different opinions on it.. In mine, I LOVE MY Son and step son very much, but in my opinion they don't need to be held all of the time!! My step son is 6 1/2 yrs old, he doesnt' need to be carried everywhere that he goes, or held all of the time.. And even though aiden is only 19 months old, he doesn't need it either. I got lucky with him though, he's only like that when he's not feeling well.. He knows i'm here for him... If I'm cooking dinner, he plays on the floor with pots and pans.. Aren't there times when you just want time to yourself? I am not saying, I think what you do is wrong.. By all means, if that is what works for ya, then more power to ya Please don't take it the wrong way, just everyone thinks differently you know? I will try the other suggestions, THANKS A BUNCH!

Yes, there are times when I want time alone, and I get plenty of that when the kids are sleeping or playing together, but I also don't deny them being held just so I can have time alone.

My kids know I will pick them up when they want to be picked up, and more often than not, it's for a quick cuddle and then they are back down to play, I just don't see the need to deny them the comfort of mama's arms if that's what they are craving.

Cjk, I think that you may be misunderstanding my suggestions. You stated that you will pick your daughters up and hold them when they want you to. BUT you said that they usually just want a quick cuddle and then go back to play. What I got from Cutecam was that her son wants to be held all of the time. He doesn't want to be put down, and he screams if Mom won't hold them.

I was just giving suggestions as to how to get him interested in something else. It just isn't necessary to carry a toddler around all day long. I'm not advocating that anyone refuse to hold their child, but just that there are times when they don't need to be held.

Not everyone can wear a sling with a 35 pound toddler all day. I definitely can't. (But if i remember correctly your daughters are small, so it might not be so bad.)

And I do think that toddlers can be defiant. Not every kid has that capability, but some definitely can. I know what defiance is and while he might not understand the concept, what he is exhibiting is definitely defiance. It is my job to teach him that that kind of attitude and behavior is not acceptable.

Yes, he might not understand the concept, and he doesn't have the necessary vocabulary to understand it completely. But he does know what he is doing is what Mom and Dad have told him not to do. Yet he does it anyway. I do understand that he is testing his boundaries, but it is our job to teach him which boundaries he cannot cross.

If a child is throwing a tantrum and screaming his head off, putting him in a playpen for 1 minute and taking him out before the tantrum is over is pointless. You might as well hold him for the tantrum. He doesn't learn anything. Now if you want to stand over his playpen and soothe him, go for it, but with my son, it only exacerbated the problem. He needed to be left alone during a tantrum.

Once he saw that he was not going to get the attention that he wants, the tantrum usually ended immediately. In fact he rarely threw a tantrum anyway. When he did, and I put him in his playpen, it was usually over within a minute. And I took him out as soon as he stopped screaming. But the ladies posting here are, I believe, talking about longer tantrums. So the child needs to be in the playpen until he stops screaming. I don't think that you can always reason with a toddler. Sometimes you can, but not always.

I do 100% agree with the parent taking responsibility for his/her actions. If you lose your temper with your child, apologize. He will see that you respect him enough to admit when you are wrong and it in turn inspires respect.

Hi..

After dinner aiden threw a fit... It was a pretty big one.. He was out back with daddy, and we have a back porch, but there are 3 steps to get down, he decided he was going to jump down instead of go down the steps.. I told him not to do it again to use the steps, he knew what I was saying.. He went back over and jumped again, I didn't want him to get hurt, it's concrete on the side walk and didn't want him to split open his poor little head.. when I told him he had to come in for a min, or get off the porch, he did get down.. But as soon as I turned the other way he was back up doing it again.. So I told him no and made him sit for 1 min.. He got mad threw a HUGE fit... I tried to calmly talk to him and get him to chill, and OH MY that just added fuel to the fire.. I don't think he's one of those kids that you can just sit him down and try to get him to chill while he's throwing the tantrum, just makes him worse. It was better when I put him in the pack n play for a min, then I went and got him.. I told him I was worried he was going to get hurt and that I was only doing it for his own good.. he looked at me, smiled and said I sorry mummy, gave me a hug and kiss, and then walked downstairs.. So I know he understands what I am saying..

Sounds like you handled it just fine. That is what I do/did. I can usually tell pretty quickly if he is going to listen or if he just needs a few minutes in his room. You followed a series of steps and found out what worked.

Good Job. Now if you keep doing that with him he will learn that he doesn't like having to be away from the fun, and will start to listen the first time.

Hope you guys have a good night!

kldupuis~ Thanks.. That did work for us.. Like you said, I can normally tell when he's going to listen to me talk, or not.. This time was a not, he was too busy yelling... So I did what worked best, and actually what kept him safe!

We are headed out to the YMCA now, he's going to his playgroup for an hour while I work out, then going to lunch with my mom.. Have a good afternoon!

Do you have AIM?

cjk, our minds think alike once again!!

Unfortunately, I used a trigger word, so my post didn't show up for a while....but it was funny to read yours and see how similar it was to mine! lol

[quote]Cjk, I think that you may be misunderstanding my suggestions. You stated that you will pick your daughters up and hold them when they want you to. BUT you said that they usually just want a quick cuddle and then go back to play. What I got from Cutecam was that her son wants to be held all of the time. He doesn't want to be put down, and he screams if Mom won't hold them[/quote]

I think my daughters just want quick cuddles because they know I will pick them up whenever and wherever they want to be picked up. They don't have to cry for me to pick them up, and they know they will be held if that's what they want. All I am saying is that sometimes all it takes it to give your child what they are craving, then their need is met, and crying to be held all of the time diminishes.

As for carrying a baby in a sling.....if you have the proper type of carrier you can carry a 35lb toddler all day if that's what they want. The key is to find a carrier that distributes the weight evenly across your upper back AND lower back. Conventional baby carriers, such as Snugle and Bjorn do not do this, and are, IMO, terrible infant carriers. Traditional slings are only good for quick trips to the store, etc. If you are going to be holding a heavier baby for any length of time you really should purchase a wrap style carrier, such as the Moby wrap. Wraps can be worn and used in many positions, and I can absolutely carry my almost 4 year old in a back carry for several hours.

Cjk-- I'm sure you are right about needing the right kind of carrier. I wish I had a carrier like that for when he was younger. I did hold him a lot, but as a little boy, he really didn't want to be held that often. He would much rather play than be held.

And you might be right about their motives for wanting to be held. If we always pick them up, then they will probably not need it as much, because they know they can have it at any time. On the other hand, some kids want/need to be held all day long, and the more that you hold them the more that they want it.

And whatever the case is, there are several things that you can do to get your kids interested in something else while you do what needs to be done. Yes, lots of things can wait until the kids are sleeping, but not everything.

Proudmummyof1--Hope you guys had a great day yesterday, we had a busy day. They had an awards ceremony and graduation at my son's Mother's Day Out program. Of course, since he only goes one day a week, he didn't really know what was going on, but it was cute anyway. He got a Character Award for Fearlessness (which is great because we have been working on dealing with bad dreams). No I don't have AIM. But I have facebook and myspace, and you can email me at kldupuis@gmail.com. Do a search for Katie Dupuis and you will find me.