I saw another post here that is very familiar to my issue. You see, my wife of seven years, and I, have a pretty active relationship. We have 3 kids, but the strain is continuously on our sex life. I am going through a period of my marriage where after the birth of kid #3 my wife really cut back on her desire to have sex. Unfortunately I am one of those guys with a libido in high gear all the time and could easily have it once per day. She hasn't shut down or anything but I get the feeling that once or twice per month is all she needs. The family suffers (in my opinion) from her talking about being tired 5,6, 7 times a day. I feel like I'm doing everything right - the dishes, bath the kids, do almost all the laundry, etc, etc. Now, even going to bed at night is hard for me because she could care less if I'm there or not, she shows no interest in doing anything other than sleeping. After a solid year of this treatment I am about to blow and certainly have mixed feelings towards her and our marriage. Recently (6 months or so) I'm noticing (in certain ways) that my wife is pleasuring herself after the kids go to bed and I'm downstairs watching TV. I'm certain it's going on and she's very discreet. I have nothing wrong with this, but wondering why she's taken to this instead of approaching me. Is this normal? Should I be concerned? How do I approach her to fire it up again between us?

Man you must be my long lost twin. I have had very similar things go in in my marriage. After our 3rd baby (6 yrs ago) my wife too lost a lot of her drive. I am just like you in my libido is in overdrive and I certainly wanted it much more than she did. I also was doing most of the work (dishes, laundry, bathing kids, etc). So I struggled with her complaining she was tired (I should be the one who was collapsing from all the work).

Well all hope is not lost as I hit my limit a few times and had some major heart to heart discussions with the wife. We had good communications about our sexlife - I felt like she had no desire for me anymore. She made it clear that it was nothing to do with me but after the baby was born her hormones were all messed up. Another thing she noted is my coming on to her everyday was getting old and turning her off. So we compromised like all good couples do. She agreed to meet me in the middle and try to have sex 3 times per week. In turn I agreed to stop coming on to her nonstop and be able to cuddle every once in a while without it turning into sex. We also discussed the work load issue as she felt guilty with her not doing her fair share of work and never can offer up a reason (still can't) of why she is tired all of the time. I made it very clear to her if she kept me happy in bed that I would gladly do the laundry and dishes every night. That conversation took place 6 years ago and we have been doing just fine ever since.

So I suggest you have a similar conversation with the wife and see if you can do a little compromising.

You have no idea....
We tried the heart to heart over a year ago, and even went to a counselor once, once! We got out what we needed, but I just don't think it mattered. Her responses are exactly what you listed. We had the same issues about me coming on to her too often, so what I did was vow to never ask for it, which I haven't for a very long time, rather she could come to me. Well, this little solution has brought up more issues. It's obvious she feels "pressured" still. She constantly says I look and act like I'm mad at her (chalk this up to pent up emotions and kids). At night, when I go downstairs after the kids are asleep to watch TV and do whatever, she'll come down every so often like it's the hardest thing in the world for her to do. Most nights, she fires up her laptop to do work, then back to bed. The problem is, she goes to bed the same time the kids do, which is between 8 and 9. I'm nowhere near tired at that time.
A while back, she bought some Planet Earth movies, and vowed that we have date night every once in a while. In the last year and a half or so, it's happened twice. This was her offering a solution.
After the counseling session, it was as if I was the one who needed help, because I didn't feel like I was getting any of her attention because of the kids, and the time she needed for them. Again, I felt like the bad guy.
Quite honestly I'm nearing the end, as not a night goes by that I don't have some awful thoughts about my wife and where I wish things were at.

nym

I know how you feel and it really is an aweful feeling having bad thoughts of the wife because of the pent up frustration and anger. It makes it worse when you feel that she is blaming all of this on you and isn't lifting a finger to make things better.

Before you give up on her you need to keep one thing in mind. You must consider that her hormones and mindset are still screwed up from the birth of the last little one. Hopefully over time things will get back to normal in her system and her desire level for you will come back. That certainly happended in my case as my wife was goofy for around 2 years post partum from our last little one.

The only other thing I can recommend is to try to do things together as much as possible. Go on family walks, organize a movie night with her, try to do things that are not sexual in nature. I had to learn how to do this as my wife is a stay at home mom and doesn't get out too much. So just allowing time for her to talk to me everyday really helps. I really force myself to be a good listener when she wants to talk about petty things but I know it is important to her to have a chance to converse with someone other than kids during the day. Also I do think you need to keep the lines of communicaiton open with her to have a chance to discuss the health of your relationship. Ask her a simple question - does she believe her marriage is perfect? The obvious answer will be no and go from there. Hopefully she will open up a little bit and you can start working the issues.

Well, if I can give you the view of a woman who is going through this now, maybe it will help?
YES your hormones are completely wacked after having babies, and it seems the more you have the worse it gets. However, her wanting to sleep all the time, having no interest in sex, no motivation to do any chores, etc. This sounds like depression and there is NOTHING you can do but help support her and GENTLY mention this to her out of concern.
Yes, I can also tell you that she most likely feels like a piece of meat. Not by any fault of yours - men are different. They see having sex as a way to show us that you love us, however women need that horrible emotional stuff as well Just giving us a hug, or a kiss without putting on the "I need sex" thing is a huge deal. But constantly being told, or "hinted" at how much you need it, gets really annoying and it makes you look selfish. Hormones or depression issues are completely out of our control - she obviously wants it if she's taking care of it herself, but there are just issues between you two that need to be gotten out into the open otherwise it will just continue and get worse.
Don't approach her at all, don't even mention the sex. I guarantee you she is either depressed or her hormones are messed up - either way she needs to see a Dr because both of those will only get worse.
The best thing you can do, again is gently mention your concern to her (NOT saying one thing about sex, bring up other things) tell her your worried about her, and if she's in the right mood, mention a visit to the Dr. Then support her through this - it will get better once she gets medical help.
Best of luck,
Pamela