I've been married for 5 years and we have a 4 year old son. All other aspects of our life together has been great. We work well together, we generally love each other, we have fun together and like the same things, but our sex life is lacking.

In the beginning of our relationship, it was great and even when we first got married it was amazing and passionate and wonderful. After our son was born, I knew that sex would take a back seat to raising a newborn/toddler. We co-sleep so that made it even more creative for us, but we managed.

As our son grew we would still have time to be intimate, but these times started to grow few and far between, often weeks before we could be together again. At this point I started looking online at adult sites. Not talking to anybody on chat or anything, just looking at the pictures to get some sort of satisfaction. Wrong, yes, and eventually she caught on. We agreed that I shouldn't look at those things anymore and we moved on, though our intimacy was still not as often as I would have liked.

Jump forward to this past year. We bought a house in May and she had gotten a new job that she loves and things were great, we were intimate again, probably celebratorily over our new purchase, but it was a month again until it happened again. That was June.

As months passed I tried to initiate intimacy with my wife, cuddling up to her at different times (night, morning) and would just be waived away. I would try at times when my son would be away, sleeping over at his cousin's house and nothing. I talk to her about it, saying that it had been a while since we had made love and she smile, told me she understood, gave me a hug and that was that. I was understanding and was patient whenever she complained of having a headache or wasn't feeling well or if it was her time of the month. I never begged.

I set up a date night for my birthday in November, my son stayed with his cousins again and the date was great, but again, no sex. At this point I'm starting to doubt myself, and I'm questioning everything. Am I attractive to her? Is there something wrong with me? With her? Is there someone else in the picture? Well, there isn't anybody else. I've proved that, so I start thinking that it's probably me.

Let me stop right here by saying that I love my wife and my son with all that I am. They define me. I'd do anything for them. But, these feelings of inadequacy and loneliness and doubt I couldn't erase. So I did was I didn't want to do. I went back to the net and started soliciting for a no-strings-attached thing. My emails were lurid and they were numerous. They were detailed as to where I was going to be when I left for a business trip. I'm not proud of them, but at this point I was at my wit's end. If my wife wasn't finding me attractive anymore, if I wasn't getting the attention, the validation from the one person I wanted to get it from, I had to see if anyone would find me attractive and desireable. Those emails ended up being fruitless. Robotic answers to go to certain pay websites instead of what validation I was looking for. I never even got a name or a number or anything.

The sad part of it all was that a few weeks later, we made love again and it was all the validation I needed. I felt connected to her again. That evening, I decided to delete these emails. My wife and I were connected again. But as fate would have it, after surfing for legitimate things, I forget to delete the emails. I forget to close my email and she found them.

She's threatening divorce. I hope it doesn't come to that as I still love her with my entire being. This is still very raw as it happened just a week ago. Right now, we've agreed to try and work it out. She calls me sick and perverted and wants me to seek help. I've seen a therapist once already and he flat out told me that I'm not sick. That I was only seeking out what I wasn't getting at home. I admit my mistakes in writing those emails, but am I really completely at fault here?

MasterMisfit - I have put myself in her shoes. I have told her nothing happened. Yup, she doesn't believe it for a second nor do I blame her. You know, before this whole thing happened, and I was getting those robot replies, I didn't think about what would have happened if I did get a real response. In hindsight (and you know how clear that is!), I probably couldn't go through with it. She means that much to me. I probably would have thanked whoever for the real response and told her that all I wanted was a real answer. Again, hindsight is 20/20. I'm still seing that counselor and she says that she doesn't want to go until I understand how sick I am. How do I tell her that he doesn't think I'm sick, just wanting validation?

Oh boy you are in quite a tangle. Good news here is that you never actually went through with any physical encounters. I know she doesn't believe you but it is the truth and there is hope for recover from your blunder.

You really have two problems you need to get corrected. First you need to get her to forgive you for your little email fun with other women. Second - even if she forgives your blunder you will still be dealing with the original problem of a wife that doesn't align with your intimate needs.

Actually I think you can get both problems handled with the same conversations. The only way this problem can be fixed is with some solid heart to heart communication. Suggest you sit down with her and state very clearly that you love her and want to engage in an open and honest conversation. Get her to agree to listen to you and let you say the things you need to say without her firing back any comments until you are done. Once she agrees to this start with the beginning and calmly explain everything that happened in your marriage that has led you to this point. Be careful not to put blame on her or insult her as she will loose her patients real quick and get in the attack mode. Speek from the heart (be ready to shed some tears - I always seem to with these kind of conversations). Explain to her all of the hurt you have received over the years from her pushing you away. Explain that it was the cause for you to do the stupid things that you did. Make sure you are clear that you own up to the mistake and agree that it was rotten and poor judgement. She needs to agree that we are all sinners and we all do stupid things over the course of our lives that we learn from. You learned that going outside your marriage to fulfill your sexual needs is not the answer and you learned how harmful your behaviour was to your wife. So part of asking forgiveness is owning up to the damage your action caused and promising never to do it again.

Once you are done give her a chance to talk and you become the listener. Let her say whatever she needs to say and DON'T respond to anything she is saying unless she asks you to. She needs to get things off her chest and if you start attacking her comments she will just get more in the attack mode. Hopefully this allows the air to be cleared. If so then tell her your intentions are - I assume your intention is to move on and have the best marriage and happiest family in the world and you are absolutely committed to do whatever it takes to get there. Ask her what her intention is - hopefully it is the same. If so get her to agree to work with you to do what it takes to get there. It takes both to committ to this to make it a reality.

I hope she will allow for this conversation to take place. Don't be surprised if she refuses - just keep working on her.

Also you should both consider going to a good marriage counselor. Her making you go alone is not going to do it. If she is committed to fixing her marriage then she needs to do what it takes.

Good luck and keep us posted.

Thank you so much, nunnzie! I just wanted to know that my side of things wasn't bogus or unfounded. That somebody understood before I presented it to her. When she found out I tried to explain things then, but I think it was still too raw for either of us to understand what was going on. I kept telling her that I didn't feel wanted, that I felt like I was second rate in her eyes. She kept asking me if her love wasn't enough. I know she loves me, but I don't think she or even I understood then that it wasn't about love or sex.