My wife and I (early 40s, fitness fanatics, in kids) live in a very nice area in California. We're the proverbial double-income-no-kids hip couple. About a year ago a slightly older couple moved next door, and we were happy to have fun and hip new neighbors. We became friends.
You need to know my wife is very jealous and possessive. There were 2 situations in our marriage where she claimed I was cheating on her, once with a good friend's wife (supposedly), and all came loose. Never midn the fact that there was never anything to it she was always condescending to me and actingholier than thou. Of our 9 years of marriage, I have probably spent 6 apologizing for those misunderstandings. I was silly, and I gave the wrong impression, but it was taking her ridiculously long to get over something that, after confronting everybody around us, fizzled by as unsubstantiated. But knowing my wife, I should have never acted remotely flirtacious with anyone around us, irrationaly limiting as that is. So our marriage wasn't doing right. There was the jealousy. There is the fact her mother has been sick for 5 years, in a facility that sets us back $2.5k a month, and over the years I have sent countless hours haleping take care of her mother: medications, docotor apointments, even saving her life once when she fell into a diabetic coma...
So last September, I am on a business trip in Amsterdam. I had never cheated on my wife before. But back in September had not had sex with my wife for 6 months. And I am 6'1, 215 lbs, a 32 inch waist and a 49 inch chest. 20 years of working out religiously does pay off. And I get offers regularly. I always passed. Until Amsterdam. It was a business trip. She was bohemian, witty, pretty and made me feel like I was superman. I was far away from home- if I am going to have an affair, this is the way to do it, I thought - do it and never see the person again.
Upon returning home from my business trip, I felt horrible. It took me a mistake to wake me up, and make me see that that is not how I wanted to live my life, that I only wanted one person and that person was my wife. So one night I gathered my courage and told her everything. Everything. She went ballistic, cut up five suits of mine (Brioni and Vestimenta...), devastated my wine captain (I only saved ne bottle of 1998 Opus One I am drinking as I type this)... but I exected it. I went to counselling. Alone and with her. I uncovered a lot of stuff. I grew. I hurt. I paid. I got insulted every day. But I wanted to prove I loved her, and that what had happened -horrible mistake that it was- had made me realize what a horrible mistake I did, and that I would never do it again. I stated that if she could not forgive me, I'd never fight her for money (she came into our marriage with only debt to her name) and I'd make sure she'd do OK because I cared for her.
Of course, she acted holier than though ever since and had never stopped. Of course I did double shifts with her mother.
So yesterday I drive home from a late meeting. Garage door opens, her blue Benz ML (present for her 40th) isn't there. I park in my spot, get ut of the car. Out of the shadows a familiar voice: "Good night Pablo". It's Sandy, my neighbor, wife to my neighbor and good friend Scott, who never missed a chance to hug me and kiss me on both cheeks when we saw each other. Who I barbaqued and made a paella for while he was alone, while Sandy was on a long trip, just so he would not be alone. Back to last night, so I reply to Sandy "Hey there, how are you doing?"
You see it coming. She says "Not good. Your wife and my husband have been having an affair."
My reaction was and has been a lesson in class, and I am proud of myself. Despite the inner disorientation, despite the urge to punch a hole into every wall around me, I just say "Wow. I apologize for Ronda's behavior and the pain it has caused you. I take some blame for this - I should have changed many things a while ago, so I can't help but feel responsible."
She's loking like a person about to grab a gun (which they have aplenty in their house) and commit murder. I say "You want to come in for a glass of wine?".
She offers to leave a CD with all their emails copied on it - the sexual stuff, the ridiculing nicknames they suposedly used to belittle us, their plotting to be together, their immediate notification to each other when they knew we were gone from the house for some hours), but I wasn't even curious. She told me she wanted to cofront them, she wanted to spraypaint the word slut on our garage... and I am calm, saying "The they will only feel justified in their behavior. Let's not dignify this with such behavior. It's not what we are, and it will only make them feel worse if we act with the utmost dignity throughout the ordeal we have ahead." She came around, and she mentioned what a cool person I was. I also excused myself, I called up my wife and told her "I am not going to axemurder you when you come home, or make a scene. This is still your house, we have plenty of space, we'll talk about the rest when we're ready. Life will go on."
And she did come home. She still wants to believe I drew her to do it, somehow. To sleep with a friend (well, former friend) and neighbor. To have the entire neighborhood know (because before I got home Sandy had been sobbing histerically on her front lawn, and screaming into her phone telling Scott to never come home), to humiliate me this way in front of others, to deny it with outrage over the last months when I questioned her about the fact she seemed awfully close to Scott. That slimebag who would lecture people about religion and marine honor (I kinda doubt he ever was one, realy)... and my holy wife. They did it. In my house. In theirs. Couldn't wait to do it again.
Wow. Wow.
My world's spinning. I had a very important business meeting early this morning, made it through it by a miracle, and now I am here, staring into this screen, while she's sitting on the couch.
This... from someone who insulted me for years for something I never did, who tortured me to get back to me when I admitted to cheating in the distance... she goes does it with a friend and neighbor, and claims it's fair retribution for the pain put her through...
Oh well. It is over. It is such a shame. I thought after al we had been together when and if we got a divorce we'd always have the brother-sister thing going on for life.
Did I mention my sister was diagnosed with cancer 2 months ago, and that I have my little niece visiting me next week to reduce stress fr my sister and niece...?!
What a mess. Such a dumb thing to do. If she'd got a plane to Cabo with some guy she met on a cruise or nightclub there, heck, I honestly would feel it's cool retribution. But not this. Not this humiliation, this break of every protocol.
I am so disappointed. But I'll recover. We always do.
This message has been edited. Last edited by: kim g,
All I can say is, I guess wives have a sense that something could happen, espeically if you go off for a buisness trip...she was right in that aspect.
I give you credit for telling her and not keeping it a secret, but it is something that she would not be able to recover from. The trust and bond was broken that night.
What she did though is just as wrong. Two wrongs do not make a right. Whether it is far away to some stranger or to someone who is a friend. A friend is not a friend at all if he would do that to you either AND his own wife. But just because you did it, didn't mean she had to. It was just an excuse to try and get back and hurt you. I can see where she is coming from, but it's not the way to go about things. You both could have tried to work things out, but for her, that night you told her you cheated, the relationship was over in her eyes.
Both of you were in the wrong and there is nothing more you could do to save the marriage. It's time to go your own ways and hope that you are strong enough that next time, you will not repeat what you did to another woman.
is that the consensus in this forums, that a marriage is over when the one and only and first instance of infidelity hits? then there's not much of a point in having this board.
i for one think there *is* hope after infidelity. i have been cheated upon before, and i got over it. and i have friends in happy and fulfilled marriages that confronted infidelity and grew from the experience.
well, let the righteous continue to talk off their unblemished thrones of infallability. right.
i'l go mix with those who admit to some human traits.
i'd rather admit to being clueless (which most people posting stories to this forum are understandably going to be at first) than as self-righteous as you pose.
This message has been edited. Last edited by: kim g,
What exactly did you expect when you posted your story? A praise?
Yes there are some marriages that work out after someone has been cheated on. But many do not. You may think there "hope after infidelity", but many do not. The trust is gone. Not to mention yo usaid you were cheated on the in past...why the hell did you go and do it? Why not just open the marriage for swingers then so you both don't have the issue of cheating if you want to sleep with other people.
But since you are doing nothing but ripping at other people who post, then I don't see the point in giving any advice or anything to you since you don't look at peoples opinions as simply opinions and some advice to help your situation.
You were both in the wrong...period. If you two can both work it out, good for you.
I am not the one with a marriage falling apart with all sorts of problems. You can dump on me all you want chief.
All I can tell you is I have been married for 14 years, I have 3 wonderful children, my love affair with my wife is burning at an inferno level, I have a terrific career, love every minute of life and know where I am headed when I die. But hey - I am not 6'1, 215 lbs, have a 32 inch waist and a 49 inch chest with bohemium women jumping in bed with me so I guess my life is kind of a failure.
So one thing I can assure you is I will look back on my life when I am 80 and smile that I had a good run. On the other hand unless you get things in order you will look back and see a pretty mess of things.
This message has been edited. Last edited by: kim g,
nunnzie.. i´ll just say this: (hopefully never but) wait until your wife cheats on you, and discover just how much you are willing to forgive not to lose her..
Thanks for the note - believe me the last thing I ever worry about is my wife cheating on me. She has her faults like everyone else in this world but one area where she is solid as a rock is in her moral values.
It's not the consensus of this particular poster. I've seen relationships go south after infidelity, and I've seen some of the same relationships bounce back. Various walks of life (blue collar, white collar), various circumstances (sexual frustration, a night of too much alcohol, marital troubles). This indeed has spelled the end of some of these relationships.
Pablo, you started out saying that your wife is jealous and possessive. You told her that you cheated. Sometimes, honesty doesn't pay. However, I get the feeling that her cheating may not have totally stemmed from your cheating, considering that she'd already believed that you cheated regardless of the fact that you didn't.
I live in Asia (I'm still 100% American) in a city filled with sex & sexual opportunity. This is where I've seen these relationships go south & north. My own wife has suggested that I have ample opportunity to cheat, and she knows that I sometimes come home late in the evening/early in the morning. She's absolutely right. I do indeed have ample chances to cheat.
I don't.
She knows this.
This is where your problem started. She didn't know. By this, I simply mean, she didn't KNOW. Whether it's your fault or hers, no one on this board can say. Forget those who say, "You cheated! You're a bastard! You Deserved it! etc. etc. ad nauseum..." We know your side, not hers. And from what I get from your side, as much as you love your wife, chances are, it's over, and it's best not only for her, but for you and your own sanity.
Your original post was 6 or so months ago. I'm sure since then, you've gotten much better advice from friends you know than what you've gotten here from people you don't know. Good luck and learn from the experience.
