I am having trouble. My husband and I met when I was 17, and he was 20. We got married when I was 19 years old. I was a virgin when I met him. We have now been married for 3 years. We have been fighting a lot lately, about stupid, insane crap. Childish stuff. But we will also have a few days here and there that we are happy together as can be. All along, I have wanted children and he hasn't. Now, I feel that I am not ready, due to certain things, and now he is. (important info) on my birthday this past year, we had a, um, "experience" with one of his male friends.
But even before this happened, I kept and still feel like I just want to not be married anymore. I an very confused as to what I want. A recent death in my family has made me feel this way even more. I just want to leave, and go home to my family. I don't want to be married, even though I love my husband to death.
I just don't get it. Help me? Am I confused, going through a "period" that all people go through, or could this really mean that I am not meant to be married??
--Help!!

Sorry to hear about your troubles.

Just for everyone's benefit - this is the reason people shouldn't get married at such a young age. Dr Laura always advises people not to consider marriage until their mid 20's. After 15 years of marriage myself (married at the age of 25) I completely agree with her on this one. The two people should have completed their education and be established in their careers, have a good level of maturity, and be very much in agreement with each other in terms of religion, money, kids, etc to consider marriage.

Well that doesn't help you now since you are already married and dealing with issues. First things first - you are married and you both made a life long committment to be together until death. So just because you are not crazy about being with this guy doesn't give you reason to abandon your vows. Unfortunately we live in a society where the divorce rate is high so it is socially acceptable to just dump the marriage when it hits a trouble spot. I suggest you keep away from that trap and do everything you can to fight to save your marriage.

The biggest problem I see is you both are still immature and have a tough time communicating. Reason I say you two are immature is because you don't have common agreement on very important things like kids. And doing stupid things like having an "experience" with a male friend is completly unacceptable in a loving marriage and is poison (as you are finding out). You two need to take a step back and look at the big picture and start talking to each other. I think you both need to re-affirm your committment to each other and agree to the other that you will do your part to make this marriage the best it can be. Then I suggest you both have some good communication sessions and discuss your future - which includes agreements on children, money, religion, etc. Once you both agree on these things then you both need to do your part and live the committment you both made. Once you do this you will be amazed how good your marriage will be.

I actually disagree with Nunnzie I believe if you are that unhappy then you have to do what is right for you. I agree that getting married that young was a mistake but staying in an unhappy marriage would be just as big of a mistake. Making yourself happy and being true to yourself is the only way you can truly have a successful relationship so you should think about what would make you smile and feel good.
Divorce rates in this country are not as high as everyone says I wrote an extensive research paper on divorce being a child from a single parent household it is easy to say it is horrible but an unhappy marriage is worse than divorce. You should make yourself happy. That is all there is to it and no one can tell you what will make you happy except you.
Good luck and I hope that happiness is right around the corner for you!!!

ajamick

You are pretty much telling her to move on without trying to fix the problem with her marriage. Anyone in a marriage should go all out to resolve the issues and only consider divorce as a last option.

My point on the divorce rate issue is that too many married couples just throw their marriage away when the reach a bump in the road. My neighbor got divorced last year because his wife came home one day and told him she was bored and wanted more excitement in her life. She served him papers a few weeks later. Are you kidding me! I guess her wedding vows meant nothing in the end. So the best advise for the person who started this thread is to do everything in your power to fix the issues in your marriage. Just don't throw it away without a fight.

Thanks so much nunnzie and ajamick. I have read and totally agree with both of you, partly.
The thing is, we are happy 90% of the time, and we have handled all of our bills and ness. with the utmost mature-ness that we can. We own our own home, and we have two dogs.
The "experience" doesn't really cause that many problems in our marriage, but I wonder sometimes, if I would have waited, would I have loved someone else? I don't know.
My husband says there is no problem with us exploring our sexuality, as long as it stays within certain bounds. That is something we have to talk about amongst the two of us.
No 1 problem, that has been a leading fight in our marriage, is that I feel that everything gets dumped on me. For the first time, he is doing yardwork, for the first time, he is helping do the bills, etc. We both put our money together, and things always get done, bt it was like he wanted me to take care of it.
No 2 problem is that everytime we fight, he acts like he wants us to break up, but won't be named the bad guy. In all fairness, I wouldn't want to either. But we always end up ignoring each other because neither one of us wants a divorce. But I feel his main reason for that is he doesn't want to seem like a failure. I have talked to him about this, but to no avail.
I don't want to be part of the "divorce rate". I want us to work things out. And so far, we are doing ok on that end.
I just can't help feeling so homesick, cannot help feeling like, I don't want to be here.
Friends tell me it is a faze that even they went through, but then others tell me, if that's the way I feel, I should talk to him about it, and something needs to be done.
I just don't want to be a quitter. I love him, I do. I just don't know ME, what I want to do.

What you are going through as a married couple is pretty normal. Yes it is a bit tougher since the both of you married at a young age and are still learning life lessons - but that can be overcome.

A couple of things caught my attention that you should think about. First, your hubby says it is ok to explore yourselves sexually (i.e. outside of your marriage). This is not a good thing for a loving marriage and it poison that should be avoided. Bringing 3rd parties into your sexual life will certainly not strengthen the bonds of your marriage - it does the opposite. So if I were you I would put my foot down on this one and get his thoughts aligned on you - not his sexual swinging fantasies. Second, you mentioned when you fight he says things like maybe we should break up, etc. Well believe it or not that is pretty common. I have even said a few mean things like that to my wife when we get into an argument - but I never mean it. I just get mad and want to say something ugly but believe me that my wife and I are the least likely to divorce. So don't read too much into comments like that when you are fighting. Third, all married couples go through a period where you wonder where the relationship is heading. You probably are in that funk at this time. It will pass as long as you stick with your committment to each other. This is where the couple must learn how to really establish a good way to communicate with each other. Yes my wife and I went through this same period about 5 years into marriage and it was tough. But we had to learn how to communicate, discuss issues, come to resolution, etc. Ever since then our marriage has just been getting better and better.