I picked this up from this very forum. Does anybody believe this? Does anybody really believe this?

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When Your Partner Cheats (cont'd), By Karen Berney

What the Unfaithful Needs to Do:

* Be brutally honest about the affair. The unfaithful has to be able to talk about the affair as often and in as much depth and detail as the partner desires. Women in particular, says Weiner, need to know why it happened. They feel that unless they uncover the root cause of the affair, it could happen again. The truth also facilitates healing by short-circuiting the imagination. What the betrayed imagines took place is usually much worse than what actually occurred. If talking about the affair is intensely uncomfortable, you may want to work with a family therapist or marriage counselor to get past initial minefields.

To find a therapist, contact The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, which represents more than 15,000 marriage and family therapists who have met the organizations training and education requirements. Their Therapist Locater service can help you gather information — education, professional licenses, health plan participation, achievements, etc. — on therapists in your area.

You should also ask your physicians, clergy or friends for recommendations.

* Get self-reflective to figure out why you went outside of the marriage. If dissatisfaction with the marriage was the cause, you must bring it up with your partner so that the two of you can make changes. Addressing the vulnerabilities in the relationship that contributed to the affair is critical to preventing a reoccurrence.
* Express remorse and act trustworthy. You must be sincerely remorseful about the pain you caused your partner and commit over and over again to being faithful, especially early on when mistrust is rampant. Show you mean what you say by respecting your partner's need for reassurance. For instance, you may be asked to account for the time you two are apart because of the lack of trust. "It will feel overwhelming, but it is not forever," notes Weiner.

What the Betrayed Needs to Do:

* Demand whatever it will take for you to heal. Granted, the unfaithful has to do the lion's share of the work to heal the marriage, confirms Weiner, but the betrayed needs to express what must be done to regain his or her trust.
* Spend time together that does not revolve around the affair. "It's absolutely critical to connect again as friends and lovers; to enjoy one another's company," says Weiner. Go for walks, to restaurants and concerts — whatever it is that brings you two together.
* Make the choice to forgive. An infidelity is never forgotten. The memory cannot be erased, but the act can be forgiven and gradually fade into the background of a strong marriage. It is up to the betrayed to forgive — the last step in healing. "You don't forgive for the sake of the other person," says Weiner, "but to lighten your own life" and set the stage for a renewed intimacy and connection.

Salvaging a marriage after an affair takes extraordinary commitment and effort. But therapists report that marriages rocked by infidelity frequently emerge stronger than they were before because at the end of the day, the near-fatal disaster motivates the couple to assume shared responsibility for each other's happiness.

My husband came out and told me that he cheated about 3 months after it had happened. We were only married for 10 months at the time and we had a 3 month old daughter. It has now been 3 months since I found out and I thought it as supposed to ge easier. Some days it is, but the last couple days have been the hardest so far. I want to make it work. I love him more than anything but hate him for what he has done. I feel like Im only staying because of our daughter. That if this happened before I was pregnant I would have walked away and never looked back. It happened in a hotel room. Everytime I see a hotel or a hotel commercial I get sick to my stomach. I don't think he would cheat again, I believe he is really sorry. But just the fact that it already happened I don't know If I can get over this. Should I just face it, Is it over? shouldn't I be able to forgive by now?

Thalia84,

Speaking as a man on this subject your testimonial clues me into the fact that men and women must feel exactly the same when infidelity happens by the other partner.

My wife some years ago contracted HPV2 and later Chlaymidia (just learned to spell it). The HPV2 was explained to me in such a way to get confused with other HPV types and these move around the body--no, no way. I thought the later was just something women get. Now she is claiming she was misdiagnosed (impossible) and never mentioned Chlaymidia (looking for deniability--not possible)!!!

When made my rediscovery it was as if all happened recently--terrible depressed and loneliness feelings that made even my arms feel weakly if driving somewhere by car.

I also have to admit a revolving door emotions that are: liking her, loving her, disliking and even hating her--its too terrible to describe the things I wanted to happen to her (short of murder) and she does not understand or know. Thoughts of breaking wedding China and burning an antique clock we bought together were surfacing. I even thought of emptying the house and going to my Dad's--very impractical. During all this time I was getting five hours sleep a night.

This fourth week (I'm guessing time) I am resolved to such having happened in the past and having spent time with her and three children since. In my mind I "see" her with someone else and knowing Chlaymidia can take more than one session to catch, I cannot trust her and love her less now.

If I were to loose my wife by nature's God then I'm faced with the possibility of passing HPV2 on to any new partner as I've had what I believe to be an HPV2 wart on my inside thigh. Disgusting...for all I know, I could break out anytime but many do not show any signs, these commonly being males.

I'm sorry if this is not your situation but it is for me. Now you know how a very loyal guy feels too.

Husbandjilt

This message has been edited. Last edited by: husbandjilt,

i feel the same way

I really do wish it was easy. Some kind of memory eraser or something! When he told me all I could see was flames I really thought I was going to burn the house down. Now I am pregnant it is week three of knowing about it and week 5 of my pregnancy talk about timing right. I feel like I need to know where he is all the time!

I discovered evidence of my hubby's disloyalty 2 years ago and I'm still angry. Even angrier now that I know he may still be trying to pick up women. I really stayed because of our 5 children. They begged me not to leave their father. Secondly, I am very financially dependent on him, but love for him also kept me. I have been with him for 13 years and that is very hard to walk away from. But I caught him sending flowers and a suggestive note to another coworker in February of this year, so i 've decided that I'm going to have to go to school and wait until i graduate and can support myself and children before I exit this marriage. It's so sad when partners choose to selfishly go outside of the marriage to satisfy their lusts. But what's worst is that he lied and continues to try to minimize and cover up what he does. I'm so done and he doesn't even know how I really feel. I really wanted a marriage that was forever, but that's not posible if you cannot trust the person you're with to be faithful to you.