I have been looking for a message board outlet like this. I need a third parties view.

The root of my marital problem involves my husband's ex-wife and their son, who lives with us. His ex-wife has caused so many problems that our marriage faces a "down time" (temporary separation until he turns 18 and he's only 11 now.)

Neither me or my hubby come out looking good in this situation.

His son has become, regrettably, a source of emotional strain. The ex has trained and conditioned him, in my opinion, to be a very difficult child (theft, lying, vandalizing, etc). In turn, she causes trouble by continually discrediting me via "anonymous" calls into whatever state we've been in's social services. She is a bitter, hateful woman. She has caused terrible discord in my hubby's career and has successfully slandered me in court. Based on her spitefulness, and the fact that her son looks exactly like her, my own irritability is on the surface and the tension and stress in the household is unbearable.

I feel like I'm teaching my step-son how to be a horrible step-parent. I feel like I'm teaching my own two children how to be a horrible step-parent. The situation has come to a boiling point with hubby where we tearfully agreed that while neither of us wants a divorce, we can't live under the same roof anymore if his son remains in our care. Like a good parent, he is putting the needs of his son first. However, I feel that his desire to be a savior parent isn't heartfelt as he's never really been "involved". His pattern is to be a solid provider; roof, clothes, food, health. He's an ideal, hands on parent sporadically, which partly isn't his fault because of his job which keeps him away a lot. The travel is about to cease but I just don't see his pattern changing. Even when he wasn't traveling, the hands on part wasn't a priority for him.

I feel like a big fat failure. I have let his ex toy with me to the point that I'm in the process of dividing up my household. I have tried and tried and *tried* to work through this issue. It has been prevalent in our relationship for seven years. It kills me to know that I can't get over my anger and grief... to be the bigger person... to forgive this woman for all that she has done so I may move on with my life with my marriage in tact. So many times have I resolved to change myself for the sake of me, my hubby, my kids, his kid. But it's like as soon as I come out of that meditation, I see my step-son or hear him and I regress back to how I was pre-meditation.

I'm heartbroken.

I love my husband *so* much. I cry all the time now at the thought of not having him in my bed every night. But my pride and my emotional health and that of which I teach my children seems to be stronger than that of marital bliss. It's sad.

My step-son has some good qualities: he's polite, cute, can make friends easily. And he's a kid, I know. I should be wiser, the better person. But it's so hard when he's been conditioned to tell lies about me, to be hurtful towards my children, to be unable to trust him because he is disrespectful of property (he's destroyed walls, his mattress, clothing, nearly every toy), steals from classmates and home, has no genuine emotion.

He has been in counseling.

But I am drained.

WHY CAN'T I GET OVER THIS??? Please, don't be shy. Tell me, flat out, how can I fix this? And fast... I so badly want to keep my marriage in tact.