Hello~
I just joined today and I have such relationship problems!!! I need some opinions. I am 21 years old and about 2 years ago I met this guy...we've been dating for the past year and a half and i thought and i know he thought we would get married. he would never talk about it but he left hints here and there. he is my exact opposite in ways...but i found i need that for my personality. but this makes our arguments horrible. recently he broke up with me, saying he didn't know if this is what he wanted..but we kept in touch after he left town (he moved 4 hours away until this december). everytime he comes into town it is like we are going out and we are so happy. but now and again he is a complete jerk, just getting mad at me for stupid reasons and i cry all night. when we are happy, it is the best and i think~ i want to marry him! but when we are arguing, he is mean, calls me names, puts me down, the whole shebang. but then it is back to normal the next day, and he's the sweetest guy ever! we want the same things and he is very mature and has his head in the right place with a career and family, etc. what's with that? can men change?? he has a lot of growin up to do i think...should i forget this??? please help...any thoughts....

HI and thank you for the advice you gave me (ashley82). Well to tell you the truth our relationship is alike in some ways. I believe that in your situation you should calm down first. Tell him that communication is the biggest part of a relaionship and when he is rude to you that it makes you feel like your not wanted and it puts you down. Its good that he has his head on his shoulders and are you ready to settle down with him. When you all argue is it every time that he calls you names and yells? Seriously counseling should come into question. I believe he should talk instead of yell because it would make your relaionship stronger and if he realizes that he yells at you and in the future talks then he wants to work out his problem. Dont worry and keep your head up. Always remember COMMUNICATION and there are others. Plus we are both young.

HI agian. I read your post agian and I have some more advice. If he cant change then you have to ask yourself "Do I want to marry this man who yells at me and makes me cry?" Thats the question you have to answer for yourself. If you thing you can forget about your problem then do. again good luck.

I know...I have asked myself that question...and the answer is no, i don't want a man that makes me cry...but then the next day everything is perfect and i love him again and we forget about the fight....uhhhh...that's why it's so hard. And maybe for the long run I should just get out...but it's easier said than done...you know? Here's an example of a fight~ last weekend was his birthday...he came into town and we spent every waking second together, and had the BEST weekend. I was gonna get him a card...but I used to do that all the time when we were going out..and I didn't know if he really actually liked them, cuz he's a guy...I don't know...and I'm confused and we aren't really together. So anyways, he didn't say a thing until I called him a week later..on Sunday, and he guilt tripped me for half an hour cuz I didn't get him a b-day card!!! I sat and cried and he just said I am not a giving person and if he wants to have a serious relationship, he should be with someone who shows they care. excuse me, but I thought me hanging out with him on his b-day and telling him I love him and us having fun was much more important and caring than some sappy b-day card that someone else wrote!!!!! Well he wrote me and apologized the next day...but whatever...I'm pissed. Oh and he hung up on me too. What do you guys think of that???

You know what girl you need to e-mail me. (anw1982@yahoo.com) I hope nobody else does. LOL. Well it seems that since you always gave him a card he thought that he would get one. You see it as "Hey your a man, its a card, why does it matter"? You know. Dont let yourself get worked up over little stuff, k babe. Have a good night and I hope to hear from you.

If you fight now, and it is horrible, staying with him and getting married only tells him that you except this type of behavior. RUN! FAST! Make a clean break! Believe me, there is the RIGHT person out there for you. You can take this advice, or since you are young, live your nightmares, and then eventually do this. You can choose to do it while you are young, or you can go thru hell before you start paying attention to knowing what is the right thing. Good luck to you!

You need to talk to him about this anger of his. Even if everything is all right the next day, it's not good that he can get so angry over a simple thing like a card. A card is a piece of paper. You spent time with him for his birthday. The thought that you gave yourself and time to him should have made him happy.

Not to scare you, because this is just a thought that popped into my head, but don't take it seriously. I would be a little afraid if he got mad at me so much and suddenly fly off the handle. And you know how they try and make it up to you and say they are sorry for what they did.

My advice to you though, as I mentioned above, talk to him. Tell him how this makes you feel, like it hurts you when he treats you that way. After you have talked to him, and he continues to do act in such a way, you should think about taking time off. You don't have to leave him because you do love him, but take a break to give both of you some space. I see you already took a break when he broke up with you, but if you decide to maybe look for someone who can treat you better, you should. It's really up to you and what makes you happy.

Sounds like a spoiled brat...
and hes also starting fights with you in order to dominate and put you in place...its a serious issue that he has, for he is trying to gain the emotional control over the situation that he sees as a problem to him, once hes put you down enough then he shall have his way in the relationship and you will be left with no selfesteem, no self worth, and heaven forbid if you should question him in the future...there is no riding this out or expecting that he will change...Im sorry to be so blunt but Ive lived it myself, and I had come across a women who told me all of her problems and to hear it was very disturbing...she was broken down to no more than a slave to his will, as for me I endured for 12 years with the hope that there would be a change, but it never came, so finally I decided to save my own sanity and leave...that was 3.5 years ago, and Im a better person now but still healing...dont allow yourself to go there...please.
Ive never opened up about myself on these boards, except on sexual issues as with the other forums, but this one needs my reply...when someone has been there then they see the truth for what it is.
my advise is that if he is a man who has his Head on his shoulders then where is it in his own mind. youve given him enough triump over you... now its time to leave. your last post is almost two weeks old so I hope that you will return to see my reply...good luck...Im impressed with your logic and intellect so go with the truth ok? ok. David.

Hello it's me...something happened to my account so I had to make a new one...but it is me (girl who started the thread)

Well...wow...it's really hard to read those things even though deep deep (DEEP) down I know they are true and that's what I should do. But damn it is so hard...I am such a pushover it seems, and I never thought I was until this relationship. This whole time I am thinking...he can change, he's gonna change...but I don't think he will

I try to talk to him...he came into town this weekend, and I tried to talk about the "b-day card" incident. He NEVER wants to talk about fights in the past...he just wants to forget them and everything be fine. That's not how I work, I need to talk through things and fix them. But he gets all defensive. I told him ~ maybe instead of saying...betsy, you are not a giving person, maybe you could say...betsy, I did not think you were acting very giving/generous on my birthday. Doesn't that sound good to you guys? I wasn't yelling, wasn't degrading him, just trying to help him and tell him what would make things better.....
But he gets all defensive and thinks I am being all mean to him and listing all his faults and how I think everything is his fault. I don't! I can't talk to this guy, he doesn't listen. And then I just cry.

I'm at the end of my rope...but I keep holding on, it seems I will never let go...ughhhh

betsy I think you need to reread my reply again...
of course your thoughts and feelings doesnt matter... hes happy as long as he feels in control, thats all I can offer good luck, David.

Hello, I do not mean to be harsh in my reply, so if I sound harsh please except my apology!

First, love yourself FIRST!

Second, you are only 21 and and you have a looooooong life in head of you! This male friend of yours is putting you thought abuse, it may not be phsycial, however it is mental and it is still abuse!

No, person shoukld have to indure any type of abuse! Ask yourself "Why should allow anyone to put you down or call you names? Why shoulkd you go to sleep at night crying? Isn't live meant to be enjoyed with the person that you love?

Third, your male friend must have some deep problems, and you are the one he can lash out at. Maybe, he was rasied in a household where he saw his mother being treated with disrespect and this is the only way he knows how to treat a woman!

Fourth, advise your male friend to seek counseling and you should go to a support group also, because this realtionship may leave you with mental scars.

Fifth, find someone that DESERVES you!

That all I have to say, I have a 20 yr old son and if I every thought of him treating a woman the way your male friend treats you, I will put him over my knee. I have taught my son to treat his women the way he want someone to treat his mother, grandmother, sister,aunts, and his daughter (if he was blessed with a daugther).

Take care and I hope that each day brings you sunshine and joy! Remember, LOVE YOURSELF FIRST!

Don't ever stay in a relationship because you think you can "change" the person. Even if they act different, they are still the SAME person you met.

My sister had a relationship just like that. Everything was on his terms, and 1 day he would be fine, the next, he would be a total jerk. She finally decided that enough was enough --they tried it 2 times. (but she wouldn't listen to her family in the first place). He turned psycho and called her 52 times in 1 day. He told her that she was a crack addict and he was going to have her kids taken away from her (please, my sister doesn't even know what weed smells like let alone what crack would look like). He told her that he was going to ruin her life.

He is totally bipolar, and I think your bf might have a little going on in his head also. If he is at all serious about this relationship and cares about you (in all honesty), he should seek some counseling.

I just don't want to see the H E L L that my sister went through happen to any one else.
Take care.