Junior Member
Registered: 05-24-08
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Im having a hard time trying to sort out my thoughts and feelings about this so I hope someone has the advice I need to make a decision...
Before I begin with my dilemma, I'll provide a lil bit of history....
I met the man I love in a chat room, at the beginning of my senior year in high school in 2001. At the time, I wasnt looking for a romantic relationship (I was daddys lil girl...obedient, never dated and was a virgin) I was just a teen girl, excited to have a computer and be online. Him and I became best friends almost immediately. We talked every day about everything. It never crossed the line into flirting or anything sexual. We both felt like we new each other since childhood. I started to like him, although I wouldnt admit it to myself cuz I thought it was silly to like someone who I'd never met in person. Somehow, all means of communication on his end changed...we lost touch for almost a year but I thought about him every day. He finally got ahold of me in 2004 via email and we picked up right where we left off. During the time he was "gone", I had dated a few guys, lost my virginity and was currently seeing someone. Later that year, my best friend and I started talking about our feelings for each other...we admitted that we loved each other but thought it was crazy to feel like that cuz of the distance (him in PA, me in NV). I ended up breaking it off with the guy I was seeing to be with my best friend. It was the happiest time of my life. I was confident, I was in love, I trusted him 100%...I was on top of the world. We visited each other, met each others families...we even almost got married!!! After a year, he made the big move to be with me.
My past relationships had never been serious until he came around. I was no expert at being in a serious relationship but I didnt think it would be difficult...boy was i wrong! Before him moving to be with me, he made me promise to always be myself and never change, to do what I want and stay motivated, to always make time to hang out with friends and family, and to not make him my everything. I thought, "piece of cake!". But what did I do when he moved with me? The TOTAL opposite of "cake". Plus on top of that, I got comfortable like most women do and I didnt talk to him as much as I had before. I felt that since he was moving with me, I needed to change so he would like me more but what I didnt realize is that he already loved me. I always worried about how he felt...I didnt want him to have any negative feelings, so any of my thoughts or feelings that I thought would make him upset, I kept to myself. WRONG MOVE! He took it as I didnt love him as much anymore and that my feelings were changing. Ive always been like that though...I dont like to make anyone mad or upset...I think its cuz I hated when my parents would be mad at me. Anyways, it didnt help that he tried to force me to talk cuz he would get irritated and I would take it the wrong way and kept to myself even more. Pressure doesnt work on me...I'll do it if and when I want to but the more you pressure me, the less I want to do it (hard headed, I know).
We found out that I was about 6 weeks pregnant. It wasnt exactly the best news at the time because things were so difficult between us. He started flirting around on MySpace and found someone that had what i lacked at the time. I found that he was gonna go out with a girl and one of his guy friends to a club that weekend. I was so upset that he was hiding this so I confronted him. He got mad at me for "snooping" on his page, claimed he wasnt hiding anything and said i beat him to the punch. He said that it was nothing, it was just to go out and make friends. Well that turned into him leaving every weekend to be with her, him staying out for days, leaving I love you's on each others pages, them talking about the amazing time they spent together, and her posting pictures of them two kissing. We still lived together during this time & had endless arguments about this situation mostly because I picked up the bad habit of snooping in his page, his emails, and his phone to find out more since he wasnt telling me the truth. I knew I shouldnt have done it but I did and that was a big mistake on my part. During this whole time, we made the most idiotic decision we could have possibly made: we ended the pregnancy at 11 weeks. Afterwards, I felt low, like i didnt deserve to ever be blessed with a child again and stupid for putting him and our relationship before my child. Things continued between him and the girl. I tried to tell her what was going on but she thought i was the psycho ex. I met a guy on MySpace was gonna go out with him to teach my bf a lesson but I realized that I was doing it for the wrong reasons and would only make things worse for myself so I never met up with the guy. We ended up breaking it off completely and he moved back home and that was that.
We still talked once he moved away and got everything out in the open with the cheating and with my almost encounter with the guy I met. He told me how he felt and that it was the biggest mistake he could have ever made and that he couldnt believe that we were so selfish that we gave up our child. I still loved him and believed I could forgive and move on so we discussed giving us another try. I made him promise that he wouldnt cheat again, and that if he felt the way he did before, to end our relationship first and giving it some time before going off with someone else. He ended up moving back with me and things were just fine. We were in love again. We got pregnant right away but this time we were both ecstatic. The pregnancy brought us so much closer than what we already were. It felt like we were on the right track this time.
Things got difficult between us when his mom pointed out that she thought it was strange how I got pregnant right after he moved back. He started thinking that the baby might not be his, that I couldve slept with they guy I almost went out with when I was mad. It created a rift between us cuz at times, he would be so cold to me. I went back to my old ways of non communication. He started feeling the same as before. We had conversations about it but for some reason I couldnt give him what he needed...I thought that if he gave me some time, it would all come together. He wasnt patient tho. He started talking to a coworker when I was 7 months pregnant. This time it was an emotional connection, not physical but it hurt just as bad. It went on for a while. When our son was born and he saw that he really was his father, he said he started feeling closer to me and that he wanted to work on us. No matter how bad I wanted to be with him, trust him and be happy, I just couldnt. But I didnt want to let go either. I had hope.
Some time during the pregnancy, after he started talking to this girl, we broke up but continued living together...and being intimate and telling each other I love you...and arguing. We never officially got back together since.
One day, when our son was about 8 months old, he was getting ready to go out with some friends. Then he gets a phone call. After a short conversation, he hangs up and announces hes not going out. This raised a big red flag because hes the "live your life to the fullest" type. I could hear in his voice that something was up but he wouldnt tell me. We had a calm, serious conversation about our past. The next day after work, he dropped the bomb: he got a coworker pregnant (not the same girl as before). I was devastated. I asked him who, when, where, what and why. We cried and he answered everything he felt comfortable answering. He expected me to be a maniac but I was oddly calm and even supportive, to both our surprise. He still expects me to snap someday and do what he fears most...take our son away from him. I have no reason to do that though, cuz hes an awesome dad and I would only hurt my son by doing that.
Now the girl is going on 5 months and its a girl. I was crushed when I heard the news. Im in a constant state of numbness. I feel dumb for not giving up hope on a future for us. I feel stupid for not kicking him out of my life. I feel stupid for still loving him. The only thing I feel I'll be doing right is when we move out of our place to live seperatly. I know I need this as much as he does, although for different reasons. Him, to finally have his own personal space and to keep the baby mama drama to a minimum. Me, to get my head straight and work on getting my self confidence, motivation and happiness back.
He always tells me that Im the only one he loves and hopes that we end up together, better than ever. I do believe h e feels that way, I just dont know if he will ever stop the cycle. I know what I have to do and how to do it to be with him. After having so many conversations and arguments about all of these events, I have figured out the reasons why he did what he did. Ive given him advice on what he needs to change so he wont mess up anymore and hes done the same with me. I dont blame him for what he felt before he cheated cuz its understandable. Im not making excuses for him or giving him the "ok" to keep doing it.
Now that the whole story is out, I need advice from any wise and mature individual reading this. Am I dumb for having hope? Would you move on after all of this if you were in my shoes?
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