I've been looking at some of the posts on here by women having affairs or considering them and I could really use some feedback on my situation. So here goes.
I'm married to a guy who is the most kind, considerate and caring guy you could imagine. We have a gorgeous son, who we both adore and my husband provides everything we could possibly want, I don't even work. The problem is I have this friend, and he's been my best friend for about 10 years. We've always been close and I always knew I felt something for him, but assumed he didn't. We'd never been single at the same time, so I'd never persued it. About three months after my wedding we were talking (much as usual) when he came out with the bombshell that the reason he wasn't happy in any relationship was me! We discussed things and agreed that it couldn't go any further and for a while it didn't, but then the familiar nights in together watching movies and stuff became a bit more cosy and we started an affair. My marriage went downhill because I felt awful to be cheating, and he became depressed because of our 'relationship'. it lasted 4 months and we ended it. A year on, I still love him and he still loves me, and although we aren't consciously having an affair, if we're alone together things tend to escalate, eventually. We've talked and talked about it and just don't know where to go. My son adores his father and vice versa. My husband isn't a bad guy at all and I do care about him, my other man has been through a nasty divorce and doesn't want me to do the same. I love my son more than anything but I feel like I've missed the happiness boat and I'm scared to rock the one I'm on now. I can't bear to think of hurting any of them and when my other man says he's going to hunt me down in the next life it makes me cry! I've seen him go through so many relationships in the 5 years I've been with my husband and never knew why, now I do I don't know what to do. I feel like an evil witch hurting everyone but when I try to let him go he says it hurts just the same and he'd rather be miserable occasionally being around me than devastated not seeing me. I don't want to go on hurting him, but I can't imagine life without him. Suggestions please...

Shame on you girl!

You go off and make a huge mistake and are ready to just keep on making bigger ones.

Hello - you are MARRIED and have a FAMILY to think about. You are not in high school anymore back in the day when you can afford to dump the ole boyfriend when a cute guy comes along.

Read what you wrote - you love the man you married, you have a wonderful marriage, you have a son that loves his dad, etc etc. You are completly being selfish and irresponsible. What did the vows mean to you when you made them to your husband and to the community when you engaged in Holy Matrimony? I will love and honor you in good times and in bad, sickness and in good health until death due us part. I guess you had your fingers crossed when you looked in his eyes and said these words to him.

The good news here is you never got caught and still have the chance to reconcile your problem. Now go do the right thing and give your hubby a great big hug and tell him you love him and look forward to a happy 40 years with him. At the same time tell the ole boyfriend to get lost and DON'T see or talk to him anymore. If you see him or talk to him in the future you run the risk of slipping up once again. Seeing him would be like sticking a bottle of whisky in front of a recovering alcoholic.

Hi Nunnzie,
I guess that put me straight. But just so you know it isn't as cold and mean as you made it sound. I'm not some kind of regular cheat, I never did before now and I know it's bad. I tried letting my other guy go, but he isn't just some ole boyfriend who's cuter than my husband (far from it to be honest), he's been my friend and just my friend for going on half my life. It really wasn't planned, and rather than sounding selfish and stupid I really wanted some advice on working out what I do next. I'm not some alcoholic with a fix for something bad for me. I just don't know how to make my feelings for my husband more than my feelings for my other guy. I didn't cross my fingers making my vows, I just didn't know there was more. Is my marriage my mistake? It's not perfect or awful, but I want more than staying at home with my two year old I want to go get a career but my husband says it's not right. I want to be respected for my opinions and I'm not. I'm guilty and I'm wrong, I'm sorry that I cheated - the guilt eats at us both. I guess I'm trying to make excuses now but I'm not a bad person, just more confused than you'd ever know. How do you know the person you're with is the one you stay with happily forever? How did you know? I thought it was feeling more with them than you ever did for anyone else before, and that's how I felt about my husband at the church. Now I don't know. I thought I was happy and I'm not. Ungrateful I guess you'd call it, but please tell me how you knew your wife was right for you? I'm making such a mess here.

Madabouttheman,
Just a couple thoughts. First off I'm assuming that your husband does not know of the affair? What would be his reaction if you were to tell him? I guess I am of the belief that a person can never really know for sure if the person you are with is "the one" A person meets someone they are attracted to and have stuff in common with and you compromise on the things you don't have in common. Despite the fact that Nunnzie's relationship sounds very strong I'm sure even he wasn't 100% sure that his wife was "the one" Everyone entering a relationship assumes a certain amount of risk. People constantly change. The sign of a strong lasting relationship is if you are able to adapt to those changes. No matter where you go there always seems to be greener pastures on the other side of the fence. It's up to the individual to be happy with the pastures on their own side of the fence and simply admire the other side from afar.
In my case, I never in a million years imagined I would end up divorced. I thought my ex was "the one" I thought I knew her better then I ever knew any human being before. And I never imagined it would end for the reason it did. In court her attorney stood up and lied for her making all sorts of false allegations. I became suspicious and did some investigating and found an affair. I was so convinced that would never happen that it never even accured to me as a possible reason before I found out the truth. It just goes to show that a person can never really know about the one you are with for sure no matter how positive you think you are.
So, your husband may not be perfect for you, but you'll have to decide on your own if he is perfect enough. Your friend may be a good long time friend but I would assume your marraige and family would be more important. I agree with Nunnzie, ditch the friend and don't look back. Focus on your marraige and find a way to make it work. I have two pre-school age boys of my own, trust me you don't want to go through a divorce.

Hi Mad,

Never said you were a bad person - you just made some mistakes and sound like you are considering making bigger ones. I know you are dealing with horrible feelings right now of doubts that you did the right thing when you married the man you married. This is caused by the "grass is greener on the other side of the fence" option that is facing you now with the other guy.

First things first - the grass always seems greener but never is. Yes you might actually more compatable with the other guy but you will leave a trail of destruction along the road if you go this other route. Think about how devastating this will be for the hubby and more importantly to your son? Yes you might have a good romantic adventure with the other guy but seeing the mess you created on the other side of the fence will haunt you for the rest of your life. I work with a guy that left his wife for another woman and he had two girls. This was a few years back and his daughters are now both in therapy and his ex refuses to allow the girls to see their father - even though the divorce orders allow him visitation rights. His only option to see his daughters is to take legal action. He tells me everyday to go home and hug my wife and kids and be glad for what I have. And I do just that!!

You act as if you settled in deciding to marry the guy you did - like he was the best offer at the time. I know that is not the case but you are now wondering if you made a mistake. You are wondering if you can ever have the happiness you desire with the status quo? Well let me be the first to tell you that there is no fairy tail marriages out there and all of us struggle from time to time with our relationships. I have a wonderful marriage of which we just celebrated our 14 yrs. Are we perfect for each other - heck no!! There are many areas where we digress in our interest, habits, etc. We have had our problems and issues like every other marriage and we do a good job working our differences out because we are both committed to each other. Every time I get down and depressed about something in our marriage I force myself to look at the good things she provides to me and I also know there are many others out there that would love to have my family situation in a heart beat. I turn my attention to happy thoughts - do lots of fun things with my family and seeing the joy in my kids faces when they see my wife and I smootching in the corner makes things great.

Ok so to summarize here - you are not a bad person. You are going through the struggles most married couples go through at some point in time. You have to convince yourself that your feelings for this other guy will go away over time - but you have to eliminate him from your life to make this happen.

And if all that doesn't work - remember you are married and have a family. The priority of your life is your family and fighting any threat you might ever have that might endanger your family. This is a major threat so go to war to fend off the enemy.

I'm sorry when I saw this forum I thought it might give advice on how to move on after your spouse has cheated on you, not one trying to make someone feel better about the fact that they cheated and didn't get caught. Be glad you didn't get caught because your spouse would probably feel the same way I do that you are the most selfish person in the world. Who are you thinking of everytime you spend quality time with the man who isn't your husband, not your family. Choose one, don't continue to tear your own family apart. If you love your husband prove it to him and force yourself to keep your family together, if not leave. I can't feel any sympathy for you since I was cheated on and know how it feels to be betrayed and made to feel as though you aren't good enough just because someone else was better for the moment.