I have been with m wife for 25 years, married 17 ears with three lovely kids. I love m wife and kids but am not in love with m wife anymore as i once was. She has put on a huge amount of weight and for years i have tried all sorts to help convince her that she need to do something about this. I know she loves me and still is in love with me but i just am no longer in love with her. I met a lady 5 months ago and have gad an affair since then with her and am still seeing this other lady. I feel like i really love this lady and want to leave home, I am so mixed up as i really want to leave and go live with my new lady but at the same time i do not want to cause any pain to my wife and kids as i do love them but not my wife in the same way that i used to but as i would a very dear friend or sister. Please help with advise if you have ever been here and froun an answer. I am constantly thinking about my new lady day and night though we spent at least two evenings and a night every week, i feel i want to be with her all the time.

I have been in a relationship for 7 1/2 years, only to have my partner cheat on me as soon as I got pregnant with our first child. He has been doing so since then - I only found out 5 months ago (pregnant with child #2).

The only advice I can give you as a woman in your wife's shoes is this: You owe her the decency and dignity of resolving your relationship with her FIRST. Whatever that resolution is (work things out, divorce, etc.). Finish business with your wife in the most on-the-level fashion and then worry about the other relationship. Could your wife do ANYTHING that would make you feel differently about her now? You owe it to her to disclose all your feelings before making a decision about the other woman.

More food for thought: My partner thought he too loved and wanted to live with the last person he cheated with. After sitting down with me and talking about our lives together and family, etc. he found his feelings for that other person to fade considerably. We still may not work out - there may be too much gone wrong and compatibility issues beyond what can be repaired. But at least I have stood up for myself and insisted that we address this relationship first and not focus on the fantasy of someone else. Someone else who has no responsibilities, such as children, bills, work, etc. That is just not a fair comparison and you should finish one relationship before considering the next. It sounds like you still love your wife, what if she were willing to do things that make you feel the way the other woman makes you feel? Wouldn't that be worth addressing with your wife? What if she says you could do more to fullfill HER in your relationship? Would you be willing to give that to her? Important things to consider before thinking the grass is THAT much greener...

Well you wanted straight talk - you have come to the right place! No sugar coating on these answers.

First - when you made your vows with you wife you vowed to love her "unconditionally". Correct? So this doesn't mean you will love her unless she gains weight and becomes unattractive. That's exactly what you are stating above. If something terrible happened to me like getting paralized where I needed tons of care from my wife and obviously wouldn't be able to fulfill my wife's desire to have a husband to have romantic encounters, etc. I know for a fact that my wife would never ever abandon me no matter how bad things got and I would do the same for her. Now that is how I show my commitment to my vows to her.

You have noted nothing about your wife messing around on you or not loving you, etc. You have even stated how she still loves you and so the only problem you have is she doesn't look as attractive as you want? Man that is pretty shallow.

Bottom line for you is that you have a choice to make pronto. You can be the loving husband and responsible father to your children and quit being selfish and abandon your bad decisions to mess around on the side. Or you can dump the family and run off to have your fun with the girlfriend. Just be aware that if you choose door number 2 you will be having a horrible impact on your current wife, your children and you certainly will loose respect from many of those that know you.

msnom23 and nunnzie thanks for post and appreciate your advise, i have said how wife feels about me and i don't think i am just a shallow person as my first post might suggest. I say about my wifes weight because i really think this is problem to me and surely you have to find your partner attractive as your relationship also requires physical appreciation and contact. The weight gain i am talking about is around 120lbs that is a major change from who i fell in love with, sure we all put on 10 to 30 lbs as we get older but you can live with that and that does not change your whole physical appearance as in my wifes case. Am i not entitled to feel that i should find my wife attractive, sexy and should want her? Who can honestly say that if their partner changes drastically as mine has that they would still find them attractive? Also if she wont do anything about this Please tell me how to find her attractive again and fall in love with her again. It's not like she has had an accident or is ill and i am doing this instead of being there in her hour of need, i am not abandoning someone who needs me to take care of them and i am turning my back on them, I really do not want to hurt her in anyway but i just can not see how to fall in love with her again. This is not posted on a whim i am seeking help becuse if there is something i can do to change ME then please tell me and i will, I realise that the problem is me and she has not asked anything of me but i feel about the physical side the way i feel how do you change that? Also consider i give up my new lady and go back to my regular life if i can not find a way to be in love and be happy how will i be around the house? how will i be with the kids? does existing in this state make any of us happy? Does my wife noty deserve someone who loves her and is in love with her? I really am torn up about this situation i am in, Hurting anyone is the last thing i want to do, all i want is to go through life being happy and by that those around me will benifit from this as unhappy people only go through the motions they are not living.

you cant' expect a woman that has had your 3 children to look the same as she did when you first met her. That is very obvious. Women change their physical appearance, and a lot of time develop low self esteem because their bodies have changed, and they simply don't feel sexy. Think about this woman who beared your children and had to go throug the pain. your probably wondering what that has to do with the present. Well, I am sure you have changed to, and from what you said, your wife is still in love with you. So if you have horrible morning breath, leave your socks in the hallway and snore, she should leave you for someone better?.
May be Munnzie is right about you being shallow, because you are only seeing the outside of a person and not the inside. what if run off with this lady of yours and she starts putting on weihgt in a few years, would you trade her for a better looking one? Also think about the impact this will make on your children and what people would think of you.

I agree with the points raised by the other two posts. I think you cannot be clear about what is going on with your wife while you are involved with someone else. That said, let's think about a couple of things...

Do you really think a woman gains 120 lbs and is okay with that????? Really? You must be joking. Your wife is probably in some amount of pain (probably deeply emotional) and true to your character (this is not an insult, just based on your posts so far), you have focused on what her weight gain means to YOU, only scratching the surface of what it means to HER. I will guarantee you that she is not happy inside that body. I've had 2 kids and rebounded quite quickly both times, but with working, caring for the household and 3 kids (one stepchild), I can easily see how women can let themselves go by putting everyone else's needs first. And here comes you...instead of presenting this issue as something that concerns you for HER, you are telling her how unhappy her weight gain is making YOU. She needs a loving companion who is showing complete and genuine concern for her, her unhappiness, in a fully engaged way. Not knowing all the details about your wife, I DO know that kind of extra weight puts her at risk for heart attack, stroke, diabetes, etc. How do you know that her weight gain isn't a health problem? Is she close to a menapausal or peri-menapausal age? There could be a number of factors contributing to this issue and as a woman I would say you would be much more genuine and giving by telling her how worried you are for her. Can she still enjoy activities she participated in prior to the weight gain? Are you sharing enough of the household responsibilities (cleaning, cooking, childcare, etc.) to allow her the time to herself to investigate this issue, join a fitness group/club, etc.? Can she participate with the kids as much as she used to?

You may have come to this forum thinking you had your mind made up for your lover, but you won't get away with that here unless you have given due diligence to your wife.

mkas

After reading your last response and if you look at it from a high level it basically says me, me, me, me and here is a bit more about me. All you said about your kids, which should be your most important thing in life, is that you can't be a good dad for them because you don't like a fat and unattractive wife. Unfortunately we live in a country where it is easy to get into the trap of being selfish. That's why our divorce rate is so high compared to countries that are not well off compared to the US.

Nobody here is saying you should be estatic about not being attracted to your wife. Lord knows I wouldn't be estatic about my wife gaining 120 pounds. But I promise you this - I would never abandon my wife and kids because of the fact that I didn't like the way my wife looked anymore.

Bottom line is that true winners in life always find a way to be happy. No you cannot have the the nice slim wife you used to have. But did you really marry her for her looks? I hope not. So when you are standing before God and he asks you why you broke your vow and abandoned your wife and kids I am sure he will be very understanding when you say she was just too fat for your taste. And by the way when you feel the urge to write back and tell me you are not abandoning your kids I will disagree. They will never be the same after you put them through the paces of divorce.

We are not dumping on you. We are just telling you what you really need to hear. So far what you have done to date is try to get everyone here to endorse your decisions and reasons. Not going to happen my friend.

Nunnzie, msmom23 I am not looking for anyone to endorse my lover, i really want to know how to get things back on trak one way or another. I have talked to my wife over the last few years about her weight and impact on health also that she no longer does things with kids and me like she used to, ie swimming, going to park wlking etc, i know she is not happy about her weight i have talked to her suggested various places to go for help etc but she does not seem to be able to do this, i dont know what else to say or suggest to her. I do help in the house, laundry, hovering, washing cleaning in honesty all but ironing i do around the house including cooking 2 to 3 times a week. I don't want to hurt my children i love them very much but as i said before my posts may sound like me, me ,me but i am here for help for me to try and get help from people who have experience and may help me with advise on either how to get things back to what they were like else go the other way but either will be painful now i know. About her weight gain i know we all change and we all make allowances for each other but as shallow as it sound i have to find a way to be attracted to my wife again somehow as the physical part of marriage is as important as the rest toward happiness isn't it?? AND NO i am not looking for easy way out just want to be happy again and not live a life of existance only, Thanks again for comments i am reading and taking notice. Murry

Murry

You are obviously not happy with the status quo of your marriage. From reading your post it is obvious you are not happy with the weight issue and her changing over the years in not being active with the family (going to park, swimming, etc). Actually I would say she doesn't do the park and swimming things anymore since she probably is embarrased in how she looks in public which causes her to stay in her comfort zone at the house. So if you are interested in trying to resolve the issues and get your marriage back in the happy zone best thing to do is sit down and list all the things that are causing you to not be happy. Then sit down with the wife and talk about each item. All couples should always communicate items that are causing their relationship not to be the best it can be. You really need to get her on board and get her to agree that she has a common goal with you to re-ignite the passion for each other and to get the happiness level to a reasonable spot. I am sure she will agree with you that she has the same goal as you as far as having a great and happy marriage. Once she agrees on that fact then you must ask her if she is willing to make tough sacrifices and endure some pain to achieve that goal. Motivation is the key to success and if both of you are highly motivated to do what it takes to get to the goal then success is certain. Once both of you agree to "do what it takes" to get to the promised land then both of you must describe to the other what things must change. Make sure you listen to her on things that are bothering her about yourself. DONT get defensive and try to make excuses for certain behaviors since it will kill the process. When you explain the things you need for her to do if she refuses to do anything about any of your issues remind her of her commitment she made ealier to "do what it takes". If she continues to refuse then she is not as committed as she needs to be. You have a tough task since people who gained lots of weight over the years have low self esteem and low energy levels. Everything you say about her points to this problem. So she will need lots of help from you to lift her out of the rut.

Murry,
I very much agree with nunnzie and his advice. I know from what you have written so far, that your wife's weight has been discussed as an issue in the relationship, but has it gotten as honest as how it is now impacting your relationship with one another? You will both have to be totally honest about the true state of the relationship. Losing weight is truly a monumental task - especially for women. We have to be much more diligent and I know that from personal experience - our bodies were made to bear children and store, store, store fat! But, it doesn't have to be a prison sentence. The methods that help you lose the weight help you keep it off - it becomes a total transformation in lifestyle, not just a one-time diet or program. I totally agree with nunnzie to get the agreement from her that she is committed to the relationship and doing whatever it takes to make it better. I would also say that your wife probably has a hard time facing up to the task at hand and could have a myriad of painful emotions she is not even disclosing to you about her body image. Not to mention the pain and shame that being in public must bring her - people are very judgemental about weight. That would be my guess (not knowing her) as to why she never seems to be able to get assistance. Try to be creative about her options. First, there are lots of good books and sound advice out there - make sure whatever you pick is something based on a healthy diet AND exercise - there is no real magic bullet to get around both of those together. Also, can you afford a personal trainer to help her get out of the low self-esteem rut and help her see the light (or at least a glow) at the end of the tunnel. Someone who can also help you cheer her on and let her know she CAN do this. You will need to support her too - that means don't ask her to buy you or the kids potato chips if she is likely to snack inappropriately on them too. Can you be her partner in this - committing to the same healthy diet, going to the gym, getting her to come to the park and take a walk, coach and cheer her, and help her break her current unhealthy habits (and your own)? Does she have close friends who might want to join in or lose weight as well? Maybe form or join some type of club - so she knows she is not alone and has a network to support her as she supports others. Motivation is key and however you can foster that for her as she tries to undertake this will be huge(of course, this is true only if you both are going to work on things as nunnzie stated also). I would say don't give up on her just yet. See if she is willing to commit 100% to match your 100%. I would also add that doing things that made you feel connected earlier in your relationship are a definite MUST! Find a way to do something every day, each week that involves something the two of you used to do together when you were head over heels and totally connected. It may not come easy at first, but over time that ember can turn back into a flame after all. Please talk to your wife and come back to let us know what's going on!

Well Msmom23
Have talked to her about how i feel and weight problem, she can not see where i am coming from. She feels i should love her and accept as she is, physical appearance should not matter as she put it. I don't know what else to say to her as everything i said she took the wrong way i don't know how you can say you are not appeling to me anymore due to your physical appearance without hurting her feelings. I don't want to cause her any pain but how do i say i love you but am not in love with you, If you do somthing about your weight and become closer to who i fell in love with maybe my feelings can return. I don't need her to go back to as we met as i know this is impossible we have aged and she has had kids but to loose most of the 140lbs she has put on (at least half to two thirds) would be fine. I have aged but looked after myself fairly well only put on 15 to 20Lbs since we met. Physical changes in me are lookin older and grey hair and she has aged and got grey too but this i don't mind at all. What can you suggest to help me move forward?? thanks so far for your help.

If you have tried everything and failed in the end you need to ask what "unconditional love" means to you. I would have to say it means you have to accept her for what she is and love her no matter if her appearance doesn't agree with your taste. Yes this is a crappy situation for you but this is what comittment is all about.

I have been where you wife is now.I was married for 16 years. My husband had an affair with a older women who is 10 years older.All I can say is that your kids and wife will be hurt by your actions.The hurt is tremendous on both sides. We are in a day of age when both men and women should say no to outside distractions.All I can tell you is to be prepared for some tongue lashing from your wife and kids. You have already cross the line with this other women. I can reassure you that when you come forth with the truth of your affair, your wife's self esteem will hit the toliet and it's a stench that cannot be wash off. It is a violation of your marriage and what you two agreed upon when you took your vows.You need to separate from your wife and family and be "ALONE" to figure out what to do. Your lady friend should leave you alone and has no business being involved with a married man....you could have separted from your wife before you involved another person.Forgivesness is very difficult, but can be achieved with time. I can understand your point well knowing that i am in a simular situtaion...but I don't plan on crossing that line. But i do understand how another outside person can make one feel. My divorce will be final any day.

You need to be honest with your wife. talk to her about your affair, she more than likely already knows or suspects what is going on. Maybe that is why she is so aginst changing for you. My husband has been having an affair for 8 months that I know about, but when I confront him he acts like I'm stupid and dont know what I'm talking about. Until He comes clean with me I have no desire to make any changes in myself for him. I want to make my marrage work but it takes 2 to have a good marrage. she deserves to know the whole truth of what is going on, maybe she doesn't want to change for you when she knows you are not willing to be honest with her at the very least! Having an affair can be forgiven but you will have to earn her trust before asking her to do for you.