My issue is that my husband started working with this woman 9 months ago. This summer he helped her move into a new apartment. I have never met this woman and she has never met me. She is 10 years younger than he and I are. We have been married 10 years now and I am really concerned about the extent of the relationship.

Another concern I have is that he has been accused of having a outside work relationship with her now 3 times. This is against policy at his work. He came to me at work and said he was going to get fired because some one saw them together. I at first was completely shocked to hear this and then made about his boss threatening it. I came to find out later that this was not the first time he was hanging out with her. He went to her apartment to drop off some paper work, that wasn't that important. To top it off he had our 3 children with him and left them in the car while he was with her.

We separated 6 weeks ago. He was staying with his friend and was seen with this woman after work and in different locations. I have since asked him to move back in so that we can start to rebuild some kind of relationship. He hides his cell phone from me, changed his pass word on his email and refuses to let me talk to her. My question is can a married man be friends with a single woman, and the wife not know this person as well? I don't know if I am being too paranoid. I don't know what to do.

I do not want to seem as though I have a very negative view of your situation. However, having recently dealt with infidelity in my own relationship, I can offer my perspective and experience from which you can take what seems helpful to you. First, let me say this - NEVER doubt your instincts. You felt something that had you get him out of the house for 6 weeks. Your instincts, what you feel deep in your gut and heart will not lie to you. They are there to protect you. Second, you are not alone - so many people are in your situation or worse. Never think you are alone and that you have no one to talk to. Use this forum, friends, family - anyone that you can trust to listen and not try to fix the situation or tell you what to do.

I found out five months ago (at 7 months in my pregnancy) that my mate was having a deeply emotional and physical affair with his employee. It had been going on for about 6 months. When I found out, I did everything you are not supposed to do - I went off the deep end and let all my hurt, anger, rage and devastation hang out. Then I started investigating what had been going on. He worked late almost every night. He would get text messages at dinner and first thing in the morning and quickly dismiss them. He was unreachable when he should have been reachable. Once I discovered the affair and confronted him, I wanted to work things out. He promised to end the affair and ask his employee to find alternate work. Neither happened. He hid his phone from me - it was always plastered to him and he always seemed to have it in his hand. He even put a pin code on it when he knew I was looking at the messages for further proof of his continued affair. I have wanted to give him every opportunity to come clean and focus on rebuilding my trust and our relationship. Now, I am at the point where, 5 months later, he still has the employee at his office and I know that she still loves him very much. He claims nothing continues in the affair and that he has "ended" it more than once. Men who are having affairs will deny everything. I would not have known the extent of his affair unless I had proof - what I used to confront him after the initial shock. My situation is that while we have children together, I am so falling out of any kind of love with my mate. He has shown absolutely no sign of taking me seriously and doing the right thing. He just wants to do everything his way in his own time. That's fine for him, but it is quickly coming to the point where I get out. I don't know what else to do. But I do know this WITHOUT a doubt - my biggest mistake was taking him at his word when I intially found out about the affair. I let him back into his comfortable home with his family while he continued his affair. That set the worst precedent for how to treat me. I am now faced with making a delayed decision that should have been made months ago.

INvestigate what you are feeling - look at clues that will lead you to determining if he has been having an affair. Simple things like where he was seen with her, does he often take longer to do things than he should, does he work late, does he have lame excuses for his whereabouts/delays, do his cell phone records have dozens of calls/daily calls to her? If you find proof of his affair, DO NOT invite him back to the home. He must treat you with respect and have remorse for what he has done. DO NOT let him keep conning you and having both women exist in his personal life. You cannot rebuild anything unless he has made a total committment to you and that includes ending a proven affair.

Thank you for your story. I know you are right. I hate living in limbo and constantly fighting the urge to follow him and check up on him. Sitting here writing this I know he is at work and I am fighting the urge to see if she is working as well. Again thank you for just listening, that makes a difference when someone cares enough to just listen.

ksgal - msmom is correct in that all the warning lights are flashing very brightly that he is not being truthful to you. If he changes passwords and refuses to let you see his phone records then what is he trying to hide?

My relationship with my wife is totally open. We openly share cell phone records, always know where each other is, she even gave me her email password and has no problem if I go in there from time to time. Why? Because we have nothing to hide from each other. Now if she all the sudden refused to let me see her phone bill, changed her password and started hanging out with a man from work because they were "friends" then what would your advise to me be? I am certain that you would tell me she is doing something behind my back.

Bottom line with this man is that you need to lay down the law. He needs to be able to allow you access to phone records and things like that. And most of all he needs to remove any relationship with this woman. Period. Even if it means changing jobs. If he cannot agree to those terms you are fighting a loosing battle.

I just wanted to update everyone. I spent a long while thinking about what I should do. After much soul searching and list making I decided to ask for a divorce. I know that I can not trust him or think of him in the same way. I spend 11 years working on a marriage and being treated poorly.

I am happier now than I have ever been, I have a new friend in my life that is there for me, all the time. I hope that my soon to be ex can find the same kind of happiness.

Thanks for the advice and take care.

Good for you! You deserve to be happy. Hope everything goes well for you, staying in a bad marrage with no trust is worse than even a messy divorce.