i do not think porn is normal if you are in a relationship and your spouse does not agree with it. every one i talk to says it is. maybe i'm not normal. for about the last year this has been a big problem in our relationship. i feel that it is the same thing as if he would be having sex with other people. he knows how i feel about it and continues to look at it. it hurts me. we have talked about it and he says he will stop looking at it. but the next day i find it on the computer. so i ask him about it and he says it wasn't him. our computer is in our room not in a community space. i think i bothers me more because he hides and lies about it. then he tells me that if i would give it up more that it would stop. it hasn't. so then i don't want to give it up. i'm confused! any advice?
This is a common problem with a lot of men since a lot of men like the visual stimulation they get from looking at this stuff and the net offers an unlimited source for them.
I am not going to get into the debate whether it is ok or not for a person to look at porn since it is clear to you that it bothers you. So even though he thinks it is not a problem he should honor your desire for him to stop because you made it loud and clear to him that you don't think it's appropriate. So why does he continue to do this and lie and hide it from you? Three reasons: 1) he doesn't think it is harmful, 2) he is addicted to this junk, and 3) he doesn't respect your desires and clearly doesn't see the damage he is doing to your marriage.
So you have your work cut out for you to get him to see the light and get him committed to end his addiction. Make is very loud and clear to him that this won't be tolerated anymore. Period!! Tell him the next time you catch him doing this that he will be required to go to counsiling with you - men hate thought of counsiling so just the threat will do some good. Then I suggest you invest in a net monitor like Net-Nanny or similiar. You can purchase this type of software which blocks x-rated stuff from being accessable. A lot of parents get this for their home computer to keep their kids from looking at inappropriate stuff. A big part of killing an addiction is keeping the source away from the addict. Just like you wouldn't want to have a bottle of Gin on the kitchen table in the house of a recovering alcholic - same holds true for porn. So lock the computer down so he can't get it when you are not around.
Are you serious? No really... are you serious? Threats of counseling? Spying on your husband? "Work cut out for you"? Come on. Haven't you ever heard you can't change someone? Guys like porn. Not all guys, I guess, but most of us do. Yelling at us, threatening us, nagging us doesn't change it. We like women. No one wants a crummy relationship. I believe both parties want to be loved and respected and desired. Making threats and spying are not good ways to get the results you want. Asking questions could be (and please be careful of how you ask). Seek to understand why your husband likes porn. Show respect for his desires and he should show respect for yours. Talk, ask questions, communicate with one another. That will give you the results you want. It's about trust, friendship, and understanding. Just as a follow up, here are some reasons guys might prefer porn to actual sex: 1) It's easier. We flip on the computer, see a myriad of positions, girls, body types and hair colors and we're done. 2) It's cleaner. We don't have to get naked, mess up any fabrics, or worry about hairs/bodily fluids going anywhere. 3) There's no pressure to perform. We like to make you happy. Maybe the holidays have been a bit rough on the waist line, maybe we don't feel adequate, who knows? All I know is that I don't want to feel like I didn't do a good job in the bedroom and sometimes I don't want to do a good job. I just want to have the release and move on. 4) Porn never nags you and it never threatens you with counseling. It's there when you want it and it never makes you feel awkward or embarrassed or make you feel bad for liking what you like.
Bottom line, you are not going to change the fact that he likes women. After a year of trying to, please change the only thing you can: Your approach to this "problem."
I can't help but write a little more. This lady "Nunnzie" is...well...I just don't agree with her point of view.
There's an old saying that goes something like: If you give a thirsty man a glass of dirty water he will drink it because he doesn't have much choice. If you give him a glass of dirty water and a glass of clean, clear water, he will choose the clean water.
You can berate him, treat him like a child, scold and threaten him and he will gladly take the hotter, younger, more sexually open girls online any day of the week. Or you can treat him like an adult, like your equal and you can be the glass of clean water.
The only thing you ever truly have control over is how you respond to what you are presented with. (And please try to focus on the good things. No one is perfect).
Iv'e been married for 8 years now to a porn fanitic. In the begining it seemed ok he was single. He had the playboy channel on 24/7 and read and had a stock of mags next to the bed when i dated him. I thought it would stop it didn't it slowed down though.I felt it was me i wasn't good enough. He said he loves looking at all women its what we do, nothing to do with me. We ended up compromising i buy his porn magazines and theres no playboy channel to make me feel bad. This seems to work out for the last 7 years he loves the choices i make and im not left out.
[quote]omg138[/quote] omg138, i need an honest answer. my husband cheated on me with a lifelong friend, way before we got married. i found out 2 years after and asked him to cut her off entirely.. recently i found two videos of her touching herself in his computer.. i know he cant prevent her from sending him stuff, i know he did kept his distance from her (not taking her calls and all), but im really hurt that he saved these videos.. do you consider that he thinks this is as harmless as porn? (like if i dont know about it cant hurt me, cause he doesnt feel its really cheatin?)
My only thoughts on this is simple. When you confronted him about the porn, and he said he'd stop, did he not stop because he wanted to see more porn, or did he not stop because he got his email on some mailing list, went to the wrong porn site that left a little "goodie" on his computer, download the wrong pic that left him a little "goodie" on his computer, or other such hacker/spyware/malware that's all over his harddrive?
Maybe he DID stop, but well, we know how computers can be.
