Okay, I am going to try out starting my own conversation here. It took me about 5 minutes to figure out how. So here I go...

I am trying to decide where I should go next. My choices right now are Myanmar or Southern Sudan. Somalia is out for safety reasons. Not my own, but MSF/DWB.

I want to tell you that I won't be making a decision based on what you say here, I am just curious as to what you may think. Tossing options around in your own head can be a bit overwhelming after a while. So maybe by putting it out here, I will get some clarification in my own mind.

I am not sure if I want to go at all. I feel horrible for saying that and would admit this to no one else. The annonymity here is a blessing. You've all now become my "diary". Poor things. After 18 years, I am so very tired. But I feel like I am abandoning people. I guess I am... I also don't know any other way to live. I can't see myself working in a hospital. The other day it rained here, I heard it against the window. My first thought was: where's my soap? I just don't know if I will ever be able to adjust.

I have enough in my savings to do nothing for quite a while. But thats never been me. Yet, I find myself tempted.

Not sure what to do. Like I said, please feel free to say as you please, I just needed to get this out of my head for a bit.

Harper

Harper,
If it was me, the ultimate deciding factor would be ...Where do they need me the most? Where can I make the most impact? Do the most good?

That being said, I hope you stay around for a little while longer so we can get to know you a bit better.

grasshopper

My gut feeling would be Myanmar. I won't claim to be an expert, but I have the feeling that at least there you would feel like you are accomplishing something.
The Sudan just has an air of hopelessness that I would assume would beat down on any aid worker.

I know both places are in desparate need of help on a massive scale, but I would have to take into account my personal health in taking on this task. And the feeling that I was making a difference would have to be on the top of the list.

Good luck whereever you go and thank you for the work you do.


Nicole

I am very respectful of your sense of obligation to the people suffering most in the world. But I hope you can understand that no matter what you choose, you won't be abandoning anyone. If you're tired out, you can't do your best for them.

My advice to you is to be kind to yourself, stay home (or maybe travel to someplace peaceful) and spend some time resting. I would say at least 6 months to a year. Don't try to be anything but what you are. If you look for the soap on a rainy day, try to laugh about it instead of feeling like an outcast.

Whatever you choose to do, I'll be wishing you well.

Lynn

Lynn You wrote the post I was thinking. Cherry

Harper, I have been doing some reading on DWB. It is extraordinary what you and others like you do. When I think about some of your other posts describing what you have experienced, I'm reminded about a story I read of a man walking along the shore of the ocean, picking up the many starfish that have washed ashore after a storm and throwing them back into the ocean. Someone stops and asks why he is doing this; there are so many starfish.....what difference does it make? As the man throws yet another starfish back into the ocean, he responds "Well, it made a difference to that one."

There is never an end to what you do. For every person you help, there is a waiting area full of others needing medical care. In the countries you have visited, I bet you very seldom if ever saw an empty waiting area for medical attention. It must get overwhelming and depressing.

No matter your choice, going out again or staying home and taking some time off, I hope you know what a difference you and the other doctors you work with have made in countless lives. You've stated they seldom leave your mind. I doubt you leave theirs either.

I wish you the best.

Tracey

Hi Harper,

I really don't know what to say that hasn't already been said. I will say, though, that if you are so very tired - then get some rest first - go lay on the beach or someplace you have always wanted to be for a few days, weeks, whatever it takes - then make your decision. Do not feel guilty about whatever you decide - you have to take care of yourself first or you will be no good to anyone else.

I applaud you for what you do. And thanks for sharing here.

Susan

Thanks to everyone who shared their thoughts. I still haven't made up my mind, but tomorrow I will go to check-out several clinics in the area.

Consider quitting, is that Mike said? Well, it's not a bad method so far. I'll let you know how it all works out in the end.

Harper