It's been a long time since I spent three weeks in one place, but it appears I'm about to do that very thing. We're still in Africa, and will be till the end of this week. Weather has conspired to delay a critical shoot - shark breaching - and we will make another attempt on Tuesday.
We left Capetown several days ago for Durban, a resort town on the southeast side of the country. There, I helped perform an autopsy on a 10 foot Tiger shark, and got appropriately dirty. After that, we headed several hours inland to visit a Monkey Rehab Facility. My initial expectation involved dozens of alcoholic primates in various stages of "drying out," but alas, it was not that kind of clinic. In fact, it really wasn't a clinic at all - it was a house, in the middle of nowhere, occupied by four Homo sapiens and several dozen Vervet monkeys. The former consisted of a Zulu woman named Dawn, her fiancé of 23 years named Rodney, and two volunteers from Scotland, who had just arrived before us and were clearly wondering what the hell they had done. The later included two orphaned infants, who ran wildly around the house chattering and pooing indiscriminately, several middle-aged monkeys who had no apparent interest in returning to the wild, and one psychotic simian named Paddy, who took an immediate dislike to me and my crew, and for reasons inexplicable, was allowed to terrorize us from the moment we arrived.
The first attack was directed at me, and came with no warning. We were attempting to unload the gear from the van, when Paddy launched himself from the roof and landed squarely on my head, knocking my hat into midair, and leaving two bloody scratches down the side of my face. Naturally, we were stunned. Monkeys look cute, but let me assure you, their looks are deceiving. They possess sharp claws, and a gleaming set of teeth that would be more at home in the mouth of a German Shepard. The crew stood frozen, as I retrieved my hat and wiped the blood from my face. No one was quite sure what to say. The monkey had vanished as quickly as it appeared, and it was almost as though the assault had never happened. Paddy however, seemed to have a plan, and quickly repositioned himself on another nearby overhang, and launched a new initiative. This one was directed at Georgia, our lovely South African camera girl. Again, Paddy appeared from nowhere, sailing through the air with a horrible shriek, and landing on poor Georgia like one of those flying monkeys from the Wizard of Oz. In seconds, Georgia was bleeding from her scalp, and cursing in a way that only a girl from Capetown can do. Paddy responded by flinging some of his own poo in our general direction, and touching himself in an inappropriate manner.
At this point, we knew we were dealing with a nut job. Abandoning the equipment, we formed a tight circle, facing outwards, and made our way toward the house. Dawn and Rodney ran around us waving sticks and screaming advice like "Bad Monkey!" and "Don't look him in the eye." It was positively bizarre.
Later, after several suicide runs, we gathered our equipment, and stood around Dawn's kitchen, drinking African moonshine and wondering how in the world we were going to shoot the following morning while an angry monkey tried to kill us. Dawn explained that the house really belonged to the monkeys, and that she and Rodney were merely their guests. Great. I said that I didn’t care much who was the host and who was the guest, as long as there was some distance between us and a certain homicidal ape. Dawn then assured us that the monkeys were probably more scared of us than we were of them, and that we were perfectly safe indoors. It was in the midst of this reassuring conversation that the unthinkable happened. The kitchen door, which had been closed, suddenly swung open, and a small grey figure shot across the filthy floor. It was Paddy, whose skill set obviously included the ability to open and close doors. Before anyone could move or speak, the little devil had reached Chris, our soundman, who had the unfortunate distinction of standing nearest the door. Chris is a stout fellow of exceptional speed and reflex, but he was no match for Paddy. In a flash, the nasty varmint had wrapped himself around Chris's leg, and sunk cold teeth into warm flesh. I don't recall the exact sound Chris made, because it was drowned out by the general scream that arose in all our respective throats. Paddy had exited through the screened door before it had time to close; leaving Chris slumped on the kitchen floor in a puddle of his own blood. A big, growing puddle.
Everybody in my crew, including me, has taken their lumps on this show, but this was different. We were deep in the bush, far from a hospital, and far from home. Travel after dark is impossible, and the sun had set. We were in a fix.
The rest of the story will play out in the piece, but suffice it to say we made it out, and for now, we’re all OK, sort of. Chris has 30 stitches, and a serious limp. Georgia blinks a lot, and glances over her shoulder a lot more than she used to. And I look as though an angry girlfriend with long nails has attempted to slap some sense in me. (That’s another story.)
Barsky, if you’re wondering, escaped unscathed. Paddy seemed to like him.
Listen, I'd be on the edge too, with the intimidating harrassment from that monkey too. I believe in what Ron/vortigern said- about the simian mental facility.
Unfortunately, looks like you and your crew might also have to check into a facility, in order to regain your wits and sanity after this adventure!!
I had heard that the facial tics, uncontrollable fear, incontinence and the like, from the exposure to the unwarranted attacks by said monkey has driven you all to the edge...
Bet you'd rather be swimming in the shark cage rather than endure another attack by the dominant monkey, whose house you all invaded, according to him.
I would have had to put on some " Depends " if that monkey had attacked me!! They have really dirty and nasty canine teeth, and razor-sharp as you said. The other problem is of infection due to the bites and scratches from them. The nurses in the house will concur to that point.
I am so sorry I had to laugh- but I could just picture the whole event> I am so sorry, but the way you described it is priceless... and how did you ever regain enough composure to still remain witty, and be able to write your post??
So sorry about your facial scratches- you certainly will have some explaining to do when, and if you get home, soon. Good thing we also can vouch for the authenticity of your "war wounds " when we view the segment.
Anyways, take care and count the days till you return to civilization, i.e. the U.S. ( I know we fans are all counting the days till your return and the shows' return... )
What a fascinating and scary post. I think you should rename that segment "Terrifying Jobs:The case of the Insane Monkey". Who named him Paddy, I could think of a few more appropriate names .
Always a pleasure to hear from you and I bet your crew looked like a sight after that. I am glad everybody survived and thanks for informing us and we always worry about you because we adore you!!
Mike, if you'd be so kind as to show this message to Chris on your laptop, please?!
I am so sorry that Paddy, the deviant, had sampled some American flesh. I was appalled and shocked into a stupor when I read Mike's alarming post.
Hope you are on the mend. Please keep drinking that " African moonshine " to ward off the infection, shock, facial tics, and other related behavioural changes you may have started to experience due to Paddy's " unwelcomed welcome. "
Blimey! And to think I was worried for you because of the skrahs! (So, is it krahS/Monkey Week?)
My darling Mike...what an exciting and memorable trip you are having. The visuals regarding the attacks were scary biscuits my friend! Do you not think it is quite telling that the only person who was not assulted in the monkey business was BARSKY! Poor Chris saving BARSKY'S Pats. hat and then attacked by Paddy the homicidal monkey! It sounds like you were staying at the equivalent of the Primate Bates Hotel! Chris deserves a raise...sound woman Georgia a nice gift & battle pay.
One day Mr. Mike I look forward to reading your travel logs/memoirs or whatever you choose to write! It will no doubt be entertaining, funny and very enlightening!
Thanks so much for letting us know how you and your crew are doing! Happy Easter!
Yours In A "Watch Out For BARSKY" Rowe World, Shari DJAC VEEP
Oh Sh*t. Sometimes you have to think, "Man did I just enter the twilight zone?"
I am very sorry to hear about your troubles with that psychotic Paddy. Well he was really having a bad day, perhaps they didn't give him enough fruit with his lunch that day, and he saw a perfect opportunity to show how he felt.
Do they call him Paddy as in a padded cell in Belvue Sanitarium?
Who know you would have more trouble with a simian named Paddy, rather than with the sharks. And here we all are, worrying about the sharks, when it's the simian Paddy who nearly takes your face, Georgia's head off, and Chris's leg off. You really need a couple beers after that, maybe even something stronger.
How did you guys sleep that night knowing there was a homicidal, psychotic simian roaming the premises?? I hope the bedroom doors (if they exist) had locks, or else you guys took turns posting sentries. I'm afraid that I wouldn't be getting much sleep! I suppose this is one more addition to the list of animals you seem to be making of NOT to work with!
My wishes of safety to you and the crew that all of you manage to come back in one piece! (At least it seems Barsky will anyway...!)
What an exciting story and what a wonderful writer you are! I read your post to my family as they sat silently with their eyes and mouths wide open. Please come home safely. You are Discovery's international treasure. We are so looking forward to your new shows and Shark Week. Be safe. Love, Johanna and family
Well I'm glad to hear ya'll made it out of monkey camp with all your fingers and toes...and to think we were worried about a few great white sharks....
Hurry up and come back to the states before they send you out to play with rhinos or lions...
Oh...my...GOD, I think I'd have wanted to kick that monkey's *ss so very badly... LOL!! At least you can chalk that one up in the ol' memory banks, right!? Wow.
On a side note...
quote:
Originally posted by primetime4: What an exciting story and what a wonderful writer you are!
I have to agree with this because the thought has crossed my mind more than once. Your grammar's great, too.
quote:
You are Discovery's international treasure.
*sigh* Have to agree there, too. In fact, I pretty much agree with Johanna's entire post. Keep up the dirty good work, guy! Te faltamos (we miss you).
And people wonder why I abhor monkeys. I honestly can say I hate them, they creep me out and I'm a general lover of all animals. When I see people letting chimps or orangutangs kiss them and hug on them I just wince because there is just no way I would ever touch one. Spider Monkeys..while cute as can be someone I went to High school with used to tell me daily battles of him and his spider monkey and how it would assault him. Don't get me started on Baboons, on one of my first dates with my husband we visited a small zoo. The nasty male Baboon proceeded to run his female counterparts off from the attention and then fingerpaint (on his cage floor) and throw poo at us the zoo visitors.
Mike I'm so glad you all made it out relatively ok. I wish the whole crew, especially Chris (poor guy) and quick recovery!!
Amber Who seriously hates monkeys. Yeah I know I said that already I really mean it though. Creepy things....
Holy Cr@p!! I suppose your poor sound guy had not only 30 stitches but the gammit of vaccinations following that special moment? Hope you are all well...The whole time I was reading your post I was picturing the events in my head...what a story...not to sound insensitive but, I did get a little chuckle! Where was Barsky during all that??? Under the table screaming like a girl? (Sorry Catju)
Well take care man!! Come back to us in one piece please Paula
Mike I am glad you are all ok or at least have had proper medical attention. I was reminded of how scary it is to have such an incident happen in a foreign country. My parents went to the holy land a few years ago and my father fell and injured his shoulder (torn rotator cuff) while they were visiting the place of the dead sea scrolls. They spent hours in an emergency room, had to pay cash at the hospital and all they did was immobilize his arm and give him tylenol for the remainder of the trip. He had surgery when he returned to the US. He fully recovered althought the physical therapy was very painful. I am glad Chris' medical attention was better than my Dad's because the ramifications of an untreated animal bite are REALLY scary. Take care and hoist a few beers for us.
Originally posted by mikerowe: Chris has 30 stitches, and a serious limp. Georgia blinks a lot, and glances over her shoulder a lot more than she used to.
Wow! I know first hand how angry and powerful they can be (and no that is not a story for this forum)
quote:
Barsky, if you’re wondering, escaped unscathed. Paddy seemed to like him.
Call Hollywood! I can see it now, Barsky and Paddy, a touching road movie about one man and his monkey!
Remember Mike pain is temporary film is forever and chicks dig scars.
Do monkeys have rabies?
Anyways, I'm new to the messaging crew and I must say that is quite a riveting story. I hope you have medical.
Best Wishes, Bay Area Betty
quote:
Originally posted by mikerowe: Good Morning, and Happy Easter
It's been a long time since I spent three weeks in one place, but it appears I'm about to do that very thing. We're still in Africa, and will be till the end of this week. Weather has conspired to delay a critical shoot - shark breaching - and we will make another attempt on Tuesday.
We left Capetown several days ago for Durban, a resort town on the southeast side of the country. There, I helped perform an autopsy on a 10 foot Tiger shark, and got appropriately dirty. After that, we headed several hours inland to visit a Monkey Rehab Facility. My initial expectation involved dozens of alcoholic primates in various stages of "drying out," but alas, it was not that kind of clinic. In fact, it really wasn't a clinic at all - it was a house, in the middle of nowhere, occupied by four Homo sapiens and several dozen Vervet monkeys. The former consisted of a Zulu woman named Dawn, her fiancé of 23 years named Rodney, and two volunteers from Scotland, who had just arrived before us and were clearly wondering what the hell they had done. The later included two orphaned infants, who ran wildly around the house chattering and pooing indiscriminately, several middle-aged monkeys who had no apparent interest in returning to the wild, and one psychotic simian named Paddy, who took an immediate dislike to me and my crew, and for reasons inexplicable, was allowed to terrorize us from the moment we arrived.
The first attack was directed at me, and came with no warning. We were attempting to unload the gear from the van, when Paddy launched himself from the roof and landed squarely on my head, knocking my hat into midair, and leaving two bloody scratches down the side of my face. Naturally, we were stunned. Monkeys look cute, but let me assure you, their looks are deceiving. They possess sharp claws, and a gleaming set of teeth that would be more at home in the mouth of a German Shepard. The crew stood frozen, as I retrieved my hat and wiped the blood from my face. No one was quite sure what to say. The monkey had vanished as quickly as it appeared, and it was almost as though the assault had never happened. Paddy however, seemed to have a plan, and quickly repositioned himself on another nearby overhang, and launched a new initiative. This one was directed at Georgia, our lovely South African camera girl. Again, Paddy appeared from nowhere, sailing through the air with a horrible shriek, and landing on poor Georgia like one of those flying monkeys from the Wizard of Oz. In seconds, Georgia was bleeding from her scalp, and cursing in a way that only a girl from Capetown can do. Paddy responded by flinging some of his own poo in our general direction, and touching himself in an inappropriate manner.
At this point, we knew we were dealing with a nut job. Abandoning the equipment, we formed a tight circle, facing outwards, and made our way toward the house. Dawn and Rodney ran around us waving sticks and screaming advice like "Bad Monkey!" and "Don't look him in the eye." It was positively bizarre.
Later, after several suicide runs, we gathered our equipment, and stood around Dawn's kitchen, drinking African moonshine and wondering how in the world we were going to shoot the following morning while an angry monkey tried to kill us. Dawn explained that the house really belonged to the monkeys, and that she and Rodney were merely their guests. Great. I said that I didn’t care much who was the host and who was the guest, as long as there was some distance between us and a certain homicidal ape. Dawn then assured us that the monkeys were probably more scared of us than we were of them, and that we were perfectly safe indoors. It was in the midst of this reassuring conversation that the unthinkable happened. The kitchen door, which had been closed, suddenly swung open, and a small grey figure shot across the filthy floor. It was Paddy, whose skill set obviously included the ability to open and close doors. Before anyone could move or speak, the little devil had reached Chris, our soundman, who had the unfortunate distinction of standing nearest the door. Chris is a stout fellow of exceptional speed and reflex, but he was no match for Paddy. In a flash, the nasty varmint had wrapped himself around Chris's leg, and sunk cold teeth into warm flesh. I don't recall the exact sound Chris made, because it was drowned out by the general scream that arose in all our respective throats. Paddy had exited through the screened door before it had time to close; leaving Chris slumped on the kitchen floor in a puddle of his own blood. A big, growing puddle.
Everybody in my crew, including me, has taken their lumps on this show, but this was different. We were deep in the bush, far from a hospital, and far from home. Travel after dark is impossible, and the sun had set. We were in a fix.
The rest of the story will play out in the piece, but suffice it to say we made it out, and for now, we’re all OK, sort of. Chris has 30 stitches, and a serious limp. Georgia blinks a lot, and glances over her shoulder a lot more than she used to. And I look as though an angry girlfriend with long nails has attempted to slap some sense in me. (That’s another story.)
Barsky, if you’re wondering, escaped unscathed. Paddy seemed to like him.
Wow. The dedication that you guys have to us loyal, dedicated viewers. Love the show and especially your wicked, dry humor. You NEED to write a book about something!!
Psycho monkeys and Sharks, Wow, Mike this is turning into quite a trip for you and the crew. I hope everyone is on the mend. I hope Chris is healing fast, and won't have to much trouble in the future. Animal bites can be nasty. Other than the crazy monkeys,I hope things continue to go well, I am looking forward to Shark week as well as new episodes of Dirty Jobs. Stay Safe Mike and come back to us DirtyDiehards in one Piece OK. My best to you and the crew.
Holy Shnikes Batman!!! I would have just thrown in the towel after the first attack and mounted some major lights to my vehicle and made out of there like a bandit!!! D@mn monkey! I hope Chris is feeling better!! I hope you seeked medical attention yourself Mike! Same for Georgia!
Mike, that sounds like a horrible ordeal for you and the crew to endure. I think a little bar-b-que monkey meat dinner may have been in order. Sounds as if your Mom may need to trek to Africa and also kick some monkey *ss, and if she's not available I'm sure some of us loyal fans can take out a hit on Paddy. For you and the entire crew, hurry home safely and try not to hang out with any other crazed African wildlife unless of course they are in a bar and buying you a cold one.
.
