I am a mother of 3, 2 step daughter, whom my husband has custody of, and our 14 month old son. I have stayed at home for 2 years now and in that time, I got pregnant, had my baby, had spinal fusion surgery and finished my B.S. in chemistry. 2 weeks after I had my baby, my husband, who is a marine, left for what turned out to be a 13 month deployment. He came home after 6 months due to me haing to have back surgery, but 6 weeks after surgery, he went back to work leaving me to take care of 3 kids while still in a back brace. I also finished my last semester of school at the same time. But now that my son is older and I have my degree, I really want to work. I feel that it's just a piece of paper if I don't do anything with it. My husband stands behind any decision that I make, which is great, but because he's in the military, it's hard because I never know how long he's going to be around. His schedule always changes, so I can't rely on him to help out if I'm not here. But, at the same time, I'm getting depressed just sitting at home all day. I was thinking of getting a part time job, but then my son will learn something new and I'm afraid that if he's in daycare, that I'm going to miss alot. I've already taken the first steps to finding a job knowing in the back of my mind that I don't have to take it if I don't want to. I'm just so torn on what I should do.
Originally posted by tylersmom: I am a mother of 3, 2 step daughter, whom my husband has custody of, and our 14 month old son. I have stayed at home for 2 years now and in that time, I got pregnant, had my baby, had spinal fusion surgery and finished my B.S. in chemistry. 2 weeks after I had my baby, my husband, who is a marine, left for what turned out to be a 13 month deployment. He came home after 6 months due to me haing to have back surgery, but 6 weeks after surgery, he went back to work leaving me to take care of 3 kids while still in a back brace. I also finished my last semester of school at the same time. But now that my son is older and I have my degree, I really want to work. I feel that it's just a piece of paper if I don't do anything with it. My husband stands behind any decision that I make, which is great, but because he's in the military, it's hard because I never know how long he's going to be around. His schedule always changes, so I can't rely on him to help out if I'm not here. But, at the same time, I'm getting depressed just sitting at home all day. I was thinking of getting a part time job, but then my son will learn something new and I'm afraid that if he's in daycare, that I'm going to miss alot. I've already taken the first steps to finding a job knowing in the back of my mind that I don't have to take it if I don't want to. I'm just so torn on what I should do.
Ultimately, you have to do what's right for YOU. You obviously aren't happey just staying at home and obviously your son needs the socialization of being around other toddlers. It comes down to the fact that if YOU aren't happy, then you need to get out of the house and do something about it. Not everyone has the wherewithall to be strictly a SAHM. And you most certainly shouldn't be condemned for wanting to get back into things. Yes, there'll be some guilt, but in the end, if it makes you centered and gives you peace, then you'll be a better mom for it in the long run. And that's good for you, the baby, and your family.
I am also a military wife. I know how it is to live the life you are living. Ultimately it is up to you. I have chosen to stay home with my FOUR children. Three of them are not old enough for school. I am a very social person, and get depressed easily. I do a lot of things out side of my home and my children. I go to MOPS twice a month, it's a program that is a support group for mothers with young children. They provide a safe and loving environment for your children (and they get the chance to socialize with other children) while you go and have adult time with other mothers. Theres always breakfast, a great speaker, discussion time with your group and then they usually do a neat craft or have some one come in to teach you something. MOPS is an international program. I started a local group and coordinated it for two years. It's for ALL mothers, working and stay at home. Then I go to BSF (Bible study fellowship) once a week. It's also an international program. They have daytime classes that you can bring your little ones to. Again they get to socilaize. I'm also a mentor in a program called Young Lives. It's pairing up women to mentor teen age mothers. You can look into theese programs online. They even have military MOPS. www.mops.org www.younglife.org then click on the Young Lives link. www.bsfinternational.org if you are interested in a Bible study. This is a LARGE group and really neat. Also I would check into what's going on at your base. If you can't locate a MOPS you can always start your own, like I did. Yes, I do want to go to school when my children are all in school and I do want a career. (not a 9 to 5 one) I want to raise them first. I don't want to miss these years, because I will never get them back. Please know that I am only writing to you because I understand how you feel and I think it's up to each family to decide what is best for them. These are my personal beliefs and am in NO way trying to push my opinion on to you. I have a lot of friends that walked away from high paying careers and have degrees that are not being used right now. They fully plan to return someday. I think you are already an awesome SUPER mom. Being married to a Marine, wow. He's doing our Country a great service BUT so are you, just by supporting him. I would keep in mind that if you do work there will be times that you will be a SINGLE working mom. I've done that, it was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life so far. I would also factor in how much you will be paid, how much day care costs, how much you will need to spend on work clothes, etc. Sometimes working doesn't make a difference in your finances. I know you are looking for fulfillment. There are other ways to find that so you don't have to feel torn. I will tell you, I do feel fulfilled through these programs and I don't have any of the guilt. This is just the way I choose to do it. I hope this was helpful, if you would like any other information on programs on or off base, I would love to help you. I do have a heart for mothers, especially military wives.
If you are becoming depressed you NEED TO TAKE THAT JOB! You may not believe it, but your son can feel that. It will effect him in the long run as well. If you get just a part-time job and put him in day care only part time then there is no problem with that. There is no problem putting your child in daycare FULL TIME! It's great for socialization.
Sure, you may miss some things, but what matters is YOU are happy. You being happy will ultimately help your son be more happy.
Thanks for all the advice. I know that I don't need to work for financial reasons. And if I do decide to work, I will make plenty of money to pay for day care and still have alot left over. I'm lucky that I have a high paying degree and 7 years of experience, so I can make at least $25k part time. I know that will help my family too. Logically, a part time job is the best thing for all of us, but my heart doesn't want to miss out on anything in regards to my son. This is the only child I will ever have. Because of my back surgery, I can no longer carry another child. It was really hard watching my son learn new things and my husband not being here to see it because he was deployed. His first word was 'dada' and he said it on my husbands b-day, and he missed it. It was so exciting, but so sad at the same time. And I know that it was really hard for my husband too. I just don't want that to happen to me. Plus, my son has alot of medical problems. He sees 4 specialists and is on 10 medication. He was airlifted to the NICU when he was 2 days old, so his life hasn't been easy, and I"m afriad of what might happen if he has a medical emergency and I"m not there. I even worry when I leave him with my husband just because I know how to deal with it better than he does. It's just such a difficult decision. Before I got pregnant, I figured that I would work through my pregnancy and then take maternity leave and go back to work. I had to quit my job early in my pregnancy because of my back problems, I kept ending up on bed rest and couldn't continue to work. So it was an easy decision to stay home. Plus, having him in the NICU made me not want to leave his side. I slept on a couch in the waiting room for 4 days while he was there just so I could be near him. I do have a nurse from the new parent support program come to my house twice a month, but being a marine wife and living on base, it's hard to keep friends. 2 of my neighbors who I"m a good friends with are both moving 2 in months because their husbands are getting transferred. This is normal. They are just the latest on a long list of friends that I've lost due to transfers. I even lost my babysitter because her dad is transferring to Japan. I wish I could find a job where I could take my son with me, but in my field, even in San Diego where I live and where there are tons of companies I could work for, none of them offer in house day care. More companies really need to offer that. I know that my son really needs to socialize. He's just way too attached to me. He cried so hard when we left him at our churches nursery that he threw up. The second I picked him up, he stopped. It's like I've created a monster. But I"m also afraid that if I don't start working with my degree soon, companies aren't going to want to hire me because I've been out of the loop for so long. I have always planned to work full time when my husband retires, mainly because I will make more money than him, but my son will be in preschool by then, so he will have to be gone anyway. But it wasn't until I started noticing that I stopped getting dressed in the morning and stopped wearing make-up when I went out and really didn't care what I looked liked anymore that I felt like I needed to do something. I am afraid that my family will suffer if I don't take care of myself, but it's so hard to put yourself first when you have put yourself last for so long. And it's even harder raising 2 kids that aren't even mine because their mom sucks and walked out on her family. Now, 3 1/2 years later, she's decided that she wants to be a mom now, so she's suing us for custody. Mainly it's because my husband finally decided to sue her for child support. It's hard to be the primary caregiver to 2 kids who will always see you as their 'other mom'. They do call me mom, but their biological mother will always come first to them. So I figure, what's the point. That's another reason that I want to get a job. It may sound mean, but I feel like if they are going to take me for granted, then maybe they will notice how much I do for them if I"m not here to do it. Well, if anyone knows of any companies in San Diego that need a chemist and will let me bring my son to work, let me know! But I figure that job is just a dream.
You have not created a monster. Your son is 14 months old, right? It is natural in EVERY child's development to go through seperation anxiety and have stranger anxiety. All children go through it even if they act differently. Your son is at the typical age and from what you describe it sounds like what it is. My children have been going to our church nursery since they were three months old. They all went through periods of not wanting to go. (moving didn't help) There were Sundays that they would run in and not look back and then it was like a switch flipped and for a few weeks in a row they would cry and hold on to the door jams. Nothing had changed. They were just going through a phase. My youngest is now 2. He ended up in the PICU when he was 6 weeks old. That was the longest 6 days of my life. He was on a vent for 4 LONG days. I slept on a chair and pumped my milk for his feeding tube. I can not have any more children either and know how you feel. I wouldn't trust ANY day care to care for your son, BECAUSE of his medical issues. Also being a stay at home mom may help you in your fight to keep your girls. I treat staying home like a job. When my husband's alarm goes off, I wake him up. I go to the living room and have my breakfast while I do my Bible study. I do a quick work out and then shower, do my make up and get dressed. Working out helps depression. I get my kids up, feed them and dress them. I get my oldest off to school and then we go on to what ever we have planned for that day. Whether it's MOPS, a play date with friends or just time to play out side while I clean house. Now there are days when the kids get up before my alarm. But I tell them they are to play quietly until I am done with my Bible study. I am trying to show them how to put God first in their lives by example. If they get unruley, I tell them "this is my time to spend with God, you can not have my attention right now". I don't tell my 2 year old that, he just sits with me while I do it. Going back to work may feed your mind. But time already goes by so fast. You only have 4 years until your son goes to Kindergarten. Believe me you will blink and you'll be there. It's ONLY four years out of your life and career. You are right when you say you will never get this time back. We all feel guilt for a reason. Look into your faith. (I am only bringing faith into it because you brought up going to church.) Pray about it. Look to your church for friends and groups to belong to. Some bases have a program called muffins with moms. Call the base chapel. Seriously, look into these groups. You will find a HUGE amount of support and make lasting friendships.
