Most women do not get along with their mother-in-laws, but I am honestly inspired by mine. I wanted to share her story with all of you, working moms and stay at homes. I think in today's time many of us lose sight of the human aspect of every story and I hope this helps with the great debate.
My mother-in-law, Ana grew up one of 13 children in Puerto Rico. When she married and started her family she and her husband decided to move to New York to raise their family. They moved here with one daughter who was 2 and her second was on his way. In her day, women traditionally stayed home to raise a family and the men worked. So, she did the same. She delivered her second and then her third (my husband) in home births, her two sons arrived quickly and she hadn't the time to be taken to a hospital. My husband was delivered by a NYC Police Officer. The family didn't have much and they lived in the project buildings in Harlem, when New York wasn't as nice as it is today. She sacrificed niceties and recycled everything (and still does) but her children were never without the essentials. My husband often recalls getting socks or underwear for Christmas. His mother sewed and the children always had nice clothes. The kids were never without the latest trends, because "Mami made it."
When the youngest was in 2nd grade Ana decided to go back to work. The couple's goal was to move out of the "bad" neighborhood they lived in. While she was working at a public school she decided she wanted to teach. She was in her mid-30's and had only a high school diploma. Ana had a full time job, three children a husband and two german shepherds to come home to every night. Home was a small three bedroom apartment and transportation was the public bus. And still she dove into school. Her day would begin at the crack of dawn when she would get up and prepare meals for everyone - breakfast and lunch. She would go to work, come home, prepare dinner and go to night school, where she would stay late into the evening. She repeated this cycle daily until she finally earned her Bachelor's Degree. She started teaching within the public schools in NYC, but to earn better as a teacher a Master's Degree was required. So again, she dove right into her studies while still working as a teacher. She finally earned her masters and worked over 20 years within NYC's school system.
When she retired, she moved to Florida and my husband and I inherited her apartment. As I moved in I found her hand-written college papers and her school teacher memorabilia. I found old family photos and beautiful messages others have written her. She and I started off with a rough and rocky relationship. I didn't understand her and she thought I was too young for my husband. She often used to say that I was not old enough to understand the role a woman must play in life. And at one point didn't believe I could do it. Of course, I resented all of that and never gave it much thought, until I had a child and then...
I became a stay at home mother, I never thought I would be. I had a dream job that paid very well. All the mothers in my family including my own have worked - hard - to make sure we all had enough to eat, clothes, etc. Most of the time I was juggled between grandmothers, aunts and cousins who would babysit. I never really got to know my mother well, and often felt disassociated. I knew she loved me, but she was always working so hard.
My pregnancy was a surprise. Throughout it I intended on taking only 3 months maternity leave. Then I gave birth! I knew I couldn't do it, I couldn't leave her with anyone, not even my husband! He and I talked about it and we decided I would stay home with her. We sacrificed luxuries, but I was able to care for my little girl. He has a son from a previous relationship who I love as my own and has lived with us since childhood. As much as wanted more children I just knew that I would need to sacrifice so much more and not be able to parent the way I did with my daughter.
I am now 31. My husband retired from the NYPD (ironic since NYPD was at his birth) and we have sinced moved to Florida as well. I have spent more time with my in-laws and our relationship has blossomed to something different. I can't really describe it, but it feels like a type of familiarity. I can appreciate Ana for the woman that she is and she can appreciate me for the woman that I am and have always been.
I have raised two of her grandchildren lovingly. And I have loved her son and stuck with him through extreme thick and thin. We often talk like just women - two friends who share experiences. Once she confessed to me that her husband cheated and left while she was struggling with work and school and life. She fought for her marriage and made it through 55 years later. I often find myself in awe of her strength. She tells me that living through those experiences make her very critical of her daughter-in-laws. She confessed that at first meeting me she didn't feel I had in me to make that kind of commitment to my family.
Passing judgment sucks. I have lived on both ends of it. I have friends who are well off who choose to work and friends who become single moms and have to work. I have experienced horrible arguments with my husband over money. Often times it feels like I want to just get out and work and live life the way it was before I had my daughter, but I don't. I chose this life. I chose to be a mother and wife. I knew the challenges that awaited me. I experience all of the issues most married couples experience, but I know can handle it. I love my family and I love my husband. It is the career path I chose. I see it this way, the ultimate sign of love in life is to offer ourselves completely. If not working means you can't pay the rent or for food, then work, by all means. But if work for you is a fulfillment of a lifetime goal - then remember this - children and family should also be part of that goal. You shouldn't have to "give up" one for the other, but your family should always win over work - not over you. I think many of the arguements that have started since the beginning of this show is the strong feelings women have towards motherhood. Some women know that motherhood is a career choice. It may not feel as exciting as being a fashion designer or a police woman, but at the end of the day when you are old and gray your motherhood and marriage are what you have. And it deserves much more time and attention than you give your career of 20, 30, maybe 40 years. Don't miss anything, because in the end it is all you have these precious moments in your everyday lives. Personally, now that my daughter is in school full time I am independently working on a college degree. I plan to work upon completion, eventually retire and spend my old age visiting my kids and traveling with my husband. These are my goals this fulfills me. Let go of all the drama ladies, think ahead of the future and plan it, putting yourselves and your families first.
