Hi Everyone,

Thank you so much for this site, and your information. I am truly heartbroken, and I don't know what to do. I believe the man that I love and have pined over for so long is a narcisist. I will provide you with my story/issue, and I welcome your feedback, advice, etc.

Back in 2004 I was going through a separation with my husband at the
time. A fellow co-worker was going through the same with his wife. We
became very good friends and offered each other advice through this
tough time in our lives. Hence, as we got to know each other more and more, we fell in love. We began dating each other at the end of 2004 and in May of 2005 we broke up. I devistated me to no avail. We would still
run into each other at work, which of course was very awkward. I was heartbroken. That Oct. (2005) he asked me to dinner, and we talked
about how much we missed each other and we got back together. It was
great! Well...the following May (2006) out of no where he broke up with me, saying that he needed his space, needed to figure out what he really wanted out of life. Again devistation for me. He had since moved from NY
to Georgia and we comunicated via e-mail very rarely. This past November(2007), he contacted me (a year and half later) and was in NY
for his sister's wedding, and wanted to see me. I was overjoyed. PS - we got back
together, I'm in NY he is in GA, and asked me to move there, and he
as been saying that he wants to have a life with me, marraige,
children, etc. He is buying a house, and I went down to help pick out furnishings
for this house that is being built. I was supposed to move there the end of this month (May 2008). I was really getting nervous (and very emotional and I told him I can't marry him. My reasoning: Because I love him so deeply, I am affraid that if we got married (Even though I really want to, and still do), if our marraige ever had problems,
and God for bid it ended, and/or we got bored of each other (which happens in marraiges), we would take the risk of hating each other, and never seeing each other again. My fear got in the way. The next day (after I said that I couldn't get married), I told him that I was getting cold feet and that I am so sorry. I do
really want to marry
him, but I just need some time to get my bearings. He said that 'that
ship has sailed' and we can't ever get married to each other. He said that he bought the ring and returned it. He was going to propose to me while on our trip to vegas (which he cancelled), but because of what I said, he is dropping the whole thing and returned the ring. He said he wants a relationship that doesn't require any 'work', and that maybe in time we can be friends. He said he also couldn't guarentee that he wouldn't run out of the marraige or something down the road, because I am a 'project' (whatever that means). I told him that nobody is perfect, and when you love someone, if there are bumps or hurdles you work them out together. He wants a 'trouble-free' relationship/marraige. I tried explaining to him that when I said I couldn't marry him, I didn't really mean that. What I really meant was that because in the past he kept yo-yo'ing I just didn't want that to happen again. I even suggested that I still move down to GA, and we live together and then down the road get married. Nope - he said no. :'-( I am truly heartbroken. Here I have pined over this man for 4 years, I was just about to become his fiance' and I have lost him, and he doesn't even feel the same way, or care for that matter.

Now, it's too late.

Thank you again.
Karen

Well all I can say here is that it is best that the two of you just go separate ways. You both have some issues to work on before you ever contemplate marriage again. Yes - a lot of the problem is coming from the devastation of having been involved in failed marriages and both of you are lacking the confidence to get back on that horse.

Key things in your note that you or him said which are major red flags: "he wants a trouble free relationship", "you are worried about getting bored in the future as a reason for not marrying him", "he cannot guarantee he won't run out on you in the future if married", "that ship has sailed - you missed your one and only chance". All of these types of comments / mindsets are pretty immature when it comes to the context to a committed relationship and marriage. Marriage is making a committment to someone for life - for good times and bad. It is not dating and hanging out together until the fun is gone.

So I suggest you move on from this guy and be glad you didn't marry him since your chances of another failed marriage with him are pretty high. Suggest you search you inner self for what you desire in life - if it turns out to be marriage then you need to be ready to make that ultimate committment to the right person.