A young woman, we’ll call her Beth, sits on a park bench, reading a book. She has a tasteful anklet tattooed on one shapely leg. An older woman approaches, pushing a deceptively small shopping trolley. She sits next to Beth.
Older woman: Excuse me, dear, do you mind if I rest my weary legs and sit a spell?
Beth: Of course not. Have a seat.
Older woman: What’s that you’re reading, dearie?
Beth: Applied Astrophysics. I’m working on my Master’s thesis.
Older woman: Oh, how interesting. Er, excuse me, I couldn’t help noticing that you have a tattoo.
Beth: Yes, I got it when I was an undergrad.
Older woman: Oh, dear. I bet you regret that.
Beth: No, actually I really like it. I’m thinking of getting another one when I graduate.
Older woman: But I suppose your boyfriend doesn’t like it.
Beth: Well, I’m married, and my husband has several himself.
Older woman: Hmmm. Too bad you won’t be able to get a decent job with that.
Beth sighs with increasing indignation.
Beth: Well, ma’am, not that it’s any of your business, but when I interned at NASA, they really didn’t care. Besides, I can cover it when I want to.
The older woman is quiet for a moment. Then:
Older woman: I’m sure your mother has called you a tramp on several occasions.
Beth throws down her book.
Beth: Listen lady, your antiquated ideas went out with the slide rule. Tattoos are becoming more accepted every day, particularly on women. And it’s none of your business anyway!
The older woman’s demeanor changes dramatically.
Older Woman: I’m making it my business!
With surprising swiftness, she reaches down and grabs Beth’s ankle.
Beth: Hey! Let me go!
She struggles, but the older woman clings with remarkable strength. With her free hand, the older woman flings the cover off her shopping trolley to reveal an IPL laser, complete with power pack!
Beth: Good heavens! You’re the Banishing Biddy!
Banishing Biddy: That’s right! And I’m taking this thing off right now!
Beth: Ink Man, help!
Suddenly, a high pitched whine, like the sound of a tattoo machine but ten times louder, splits the air. It’s the Ink Mobile! Ink Man and Tatboy spring out.
Ink Man: Unhand that citizen, Banishing Biddy!
Banishing Biddy: And what if I don’t? Are you going to hit a poor defenseless old woman?
Ink Man: You’re about as defenseless as a cornered hyena.
Banishing Biddy: Yes, but the Senior Advocacy Group doesn’t know that! They’ll sue your pants off!
Tatboy: Holy Ensure, Ink Man! She’s got us over a barrel!
Ink Man: Don’t give up so fast, Tatboy.
He turns to where a group of boy scouts sit carving model cars out of balsa wood.
Ink Man: Boys! This woman needs help crossing the street!
The boy scouts spring into action! They swarm around the Banishing Biddy, lifting her off the bench and carrying her away!
Banishing Biddy: Curse you, Ink Man!
Beth: Thank you, Ink Man, I don’t know what I would have done without you!
Ink Man: Just remember, while some people may chose to have their tattoos removed, only you can decide what’s right for your lifestyle!
~Smarti22! Cute stuff, this thread is a riot and a half! Keep it going.
~Schmeckel~I may be new here but i have to ask....What on earth would possess a man (most assumably) to take the screen name "schmeckel"....inquiring shiksas need to know...lol...
Meanwhile, at City Hall, Ink Man and Tatboy are deep in conversation with the Mayor and the Chief of Police.
Chief: We can’t figure out where it’s coming from, Ink Man. We’ve tested every batch of tattoo ink in the city and nothing’s wrong with it.
Mayor: Yet there’s a massive outbreak of skin reactions in every new tattoo! It’s mind boggling!
Ink Man: Perhaps, your honor, you’re looking in the wrong place. If the ink is untainted, the infection is probably coming from somewhere else.
Mayor: But where?
Tatboy: You can’t mean the aftercare products, can you?
Suddenly, the door to the Mayor’s office flings open. A woman steps in! She has a seductive smile and glimmering eyes.
Woman: That’s right, Zitboy. You got it in one.
Chief: Hey! How did you get past security?
She gives a mesmerizing laugh.
Woman: Oh, your boys in blue were no match for me. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Creamy Linimental. I believe you met my sister. When you arrested her!
Suddenly, she sprouts an extra arm! And another! And another! And yet another!
Tatboy: Holy doppelganger, Ink Man! It’s The Unguenator’s twin!
Creamy Linimental: Oh, you are a smart boy. That must be how you figured out that I’ve made a little alteration to every bottle, tube and pot of ointment in the city.
Chief: That sounds like a confession to me!
He steps forward, but before he can react, her several arms sinuously entwine him. He slumps in her hypnotic grasp. Ink Man and Tatboy start to spring into action! She holds up one of her hands.
Creamy Linimental: Not another step, or the Chief gets it!
They freeze. She slips out the door and into the night.
Mayor: Good heavens! What do we do now?
Ink Man: Don’t worry, Mayor. She won’t hurt the Chief, not while we have her sister behind bars.
Mayor: Very well, but what about the citizens?
Tatboy: That’s right, Ink Man. Shouldn’t we deal with the infected ointments first?
Ink Man: Correct! To the Tat Cave!
Meanwhile, the Ink Mobile pulls into the Tat Cave. The walls are hewn from rough stone, but they’re lined with state of the art electronics. Ink Man and Tatboy spring from the Ink Mobile, each holding several samples of lotions and ointments.
Ink Man: Come, Tatboy. We’ll run these samples through the Tat Mass Spectrometer. It will tell us the exact nature of the contaminant.
They spring into action! It takes mere moments for the machine to spit out an analysis. Tatboy examines the results.
Tatboy: Holy precipitant, Ink Man! Where could anyone concoct such a dastardly solution?
Ink Man: According to the trusty Inkputer, there’s only one place in the city someone could get their hands on large enough amounts of these chemicals.
Tatboy: Not the abandoned power plant?
Ink Man: It couldn’t be anywhere else. To the Ink Mobile!
The familiar a high pitched whine, like a tattoo machine only ten times stronger, splits the night as they rush out.
Meanwhile, at the abandoned power plant, Creamy Linimental has the Chief tied to a chair. She stirs a huge vat of bubbling gelatinous fluid.
Creamy Linimental: Sit tight, Chief. I’m just brewing up a fresh pot of my special recipe. Then you’ll find out how truly irritating I can be! MWAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Suddenly, Ink Man and Tatboy spring through the rusted door!
Creamy Linimental: So, Dank Man and Zitboy located my secret lair!
Ink Man: We’ve already replaced all your contaminated product.
Creamy Linimental: Too bad you’re too late to stop this new batch.
Ink Man: Too bad we know your brew is water soluble, Creamy!
Ink Man and Tatboy spring into action!
SQUEEZE! RUB! WIPE OFF THE EXCESS!
It’s over in moments. Creamy Linimental lies vanquished among her own test tubes.
Creamy Linimental: Curse you Ink Man!
Tatboy rushes over to untie the Chief.
Chief: Thank you, Ink Man! I don’t know what you would have done without you. She casts such a mysterious spell!
Ink Man: We’re prepared to soothe even the roughest situation!
This message has been edited. Last edited by: smarti22,
but your doing great on this one!!
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