My husband doesn't want me to have surgery. He is worried about complications and thinks that I will regret it or become an invalid. He keeps using phrases like "cut you apart". He told me he hasn't seen me make a "valid effort" at regular weight loss. He basically told me that if I had surgery before he thought I made a "valid effort" that he would leave me!
I asked him what his requirements for a "valid effort" are. He said he would not tell me because then I'd just put them on a checklist of things I need to complete before I get surgery!
I told him the reason people fail at diet and exercise is because they can't stick to the regimen and either cheat on their diet or don't do enough exercise (for whatever reason). He said he would consider that a failure to work hard enough!
He would never go to counseling on this with me. He has an aversion to therapy.
I told him-- I am not letting this ruin my life. Every minute I remain morbidly obese takes time off my life expectancy. Only I can make the choice for myself and I have determined that this would be the right path to take.
Could it be that perhaps your husband is afraid that if you are no longer heavy he will lose you? A friend who had WLS told me that its the spouses of the patients that need the counseling more than the patient. You figure if you have been obese most of your adult life and more than likly he has been an enabler, that if your surgery is a success and you are able to slim down he won't have the same hold over you.
My family had issues with my decision to have the surgery. I would maybe the following- since you have to do it anyway:
1. Bring your husband with you as you go thru the process. 2. You have to show that you have attempted to diet, so do what the Doc's suggest. take your husband along for this part of the journey as well. 3. Educate your husband on eating healthy- it will give him something in return when you start cooking healthy and making good food choices available in the house. 4. Make your husband feel apart of this journey with you. He maybe scared that this is something you will do without him. And he won't be apart of this in your life.
If all else- you have tried to make the attempts. Fighting won't help soit may be that you will hav eto make so difficult decisions but work thru them and know that after you tried to make him a part of this journey you are better without someone you doesn't support a healthier you.
It is too bad that he feels the way he does. One thing that may help is educating him about the process of bariatric surgery. Show him as much information as you can to let him know about what will happen and how the changes can improve your life. Get the statistics on your particular surgeon in regards to his/her complication rate to help calm his nerves.
Hopefully, this will help him come around. If it does not, you are going to have to make the very difficult decision about what to do. You will have to choose yourself and your health or his wishes. If you need support through this process, find a really good counselor and, even if your husband won't accompany you, go to that counselor.
I feel like if I could get him to go to an appointment to the doctor with me, he could be convinced, or at least let up a bit. But that will be difficult.
I am planning on dieting soon using techniques I've learned talking to weight loss patients. I know I can lose weight I just don't think I can keep it off. Something always happens to knock you off the wagon, you know? I told that to hubby. I said "What if I get sick, or break my leg or something and can't exercise or whatever?" he said-- get this-- "Well don't break your leg!" ??
It sounds like your husband is afraid. The fact that he brought up complications and your becoming an invalid suggests that he's either seen someone get stuck in a caretaker role, or he's heard horror stories and doesn't want to go there. Fair enough. If this is really what's behind his concern, then you can beat this with good information.
If you are morbidly obese (which is the only way you would qualify for the surgery), then chances are you have comorbidities. Obesity related comorbidities, like high blood pressure, diabetes, etc. can cause strokes, heart attacks, and other debilitating problems. Show your husband the stats on those. The odds of your being made an invalid from WLS are MUCH lower than your odds of being made an invalid by continuing in morbid obesity.
Show him, too, the stats on weight loss success for the morbidly obese. Studies show that more than 90% of patients who undergo medically supervised weight loss programs will fail. They either don't lose weight, or they lose but then stall out and regain. Last night on Larry King, they had a number of past winners on "The Biggest Loser." Every one of them had regained a good amount of weight. They all had excuses, and they all expressed confidence that they could lose that weight again, but as someone who's been there, done that, and bought the T-shirt, I can tell you that they probably won't. Are they really going to do, every day for the rest of their lives, what they had to do to lose all that weight? What about when they're 70 and have arthritis? Will they still be working out like that, or will they be old and obese again? Could YOU live that way? Could your husband? Normal-weight people don't have to do all that to maintain normal weight. There's something different about us, and science is finally coming around to realize that.
Talk about the times you successfully lost weight, and what it took. If you're like me, the only times you seriously lost weight, you were eating less than 1,000 calories a day, and exercising hard every day. Point out to him that HE cannot live like that, but if you eat the same amount of calories and exercise the way he does, you gain weight. (I assume he's not too heavy. If he is, then HE clearly can't live that way either!)
Point out that WLS is simply a tool that will help you reduce your calorie intake so that you can lose weight and maintain the weight loss.
Here are some sites that might help you convince him.
This one is sobering, and should be a reminder to all WLS patients to thoroughly vet their surgeons and make sure they have a LOT of experience with the procedure they're having. But even though the risks are higher with inexperienced surgeons, the benefits are also proving to be worth it. http://www.webmd.com/diet/news/20041007/studies-weigh-r...stric-bypass-surgery
And if your hubby's concerns have to do with financing, remind him that, while the surgery will cost you some, even if your insurance covers it, in the long run, your better health, your eating MUCH less, and your healthier lifestyle will probably save enough to offset the price.
And I agree, you should take hubby along to your appointments so that he can get informed right beside you. That will probably do a lot to help him trust the decision you're making.
Oh, and while you're on that Obesity Help site, look at ALL the WLS options. After reading up on the VSG, I'm persuaded it's the best surgery for me. Part of my concern is the re-routing of the digestive tract that happens with bypass, and what the malabsorption issues might do to me long-term, particularly since I already have some health concerns that could complicate that. I want my plumbing to stay pretty much the way it is, and I think the stats show that VSG will be at LEAST as effective, without all the long-term fuss and worry, as the Lap Band. Dr. Garth doesn't support this procedure, and I've asked him why, but he hasn't responded yet. I suspect his big concern is that patients might stretch out the sleeve, but then that's a concern with the other procedures as well.
Hope this helps! Lisa
This message has been edited. Last edited by: tonksmom,
Thank you Lisa. I'm afraid nothing I bring him will convince him. No matter what statistics I quote he says "But that is not YOU. YOU can be strong and have the willpower [to lose weight naturally]. You just don't know it yet."
If I complain about the severe measures I'd have to maintain in order to keep weight off he says something like "So what? Life isn't meant to be fair. Life is hard."
The fact is, he thinks HE knows the best way I should do stuff. If I don't do what HE thinks I should do, then I haven't really "tried". He is most annoyed I think that I am willing to take someone else's advice (like that of a surgeon) over HIS. (He is no expert.)
He tells me is trying to look after my best interests and keep me from doing something I will regret later. I told him he is NOT the one to make that kind of determination. That he has to let me live MY life. To that he replies that he is my husband and it is no longer MY life, it is OUR life. (That doesn't give him VETO power!)
It sounds like he has major control issues. If he won't go to counseling, then you have a huge problem. Do you have kids? If so, I hate the idea of his leaving if you don't do what he says. But at the same time I hate the idea of the kids having an unhealthy mom who stays that way just to keep the peace.
Maybe you'll have to tell him that you're going to do what the doctor advises, and if he threatens to leave, tell him that if he's willing to do that to his kids just because you won't let him have his way when it comes to your health, that's on him. Hopefully he's bluffing. Either way, though, it's going to be much harder to do this without his support.
It sounds as if your husband is REALLY REALLY insecure and controlling. He wants to control every aspect of your life. You sweetie need to do this for yourself and no one else. Trust me life is so much more wonderful when the weight starts to come off.. My husband was supportive towards me doing this but in the end he really wasn't and has since left me for another woman (heavier) than I was. So now I have a new life, a new me.. and I couldn't be happier and I was married to him for over 10 years. You have to do what is right for you only. He is not the one living in your body and with your issues. You need to do this for you and only you. Ignore what he says and follow the advice of your doctors. They know what is best. Good luck... I know I am so glad that I did this surgery even with all the trouble that has happened in my life since then. I am so much more happier...
This message has been edited. Last edited by: kim g,
I have never joined a message board in my life but after reading about your situation I had to so I could reply. You have to keep in mind that this is YOUR life that is in trouble. I'm 56 years old have had a problem all my life. I came to the conclusion that what I've done so far hasn't worked so I am starting to go through the process. My reasons are my health and if my wife wasn't had the same attitude as your husdand I would tell her where to get off. You are absolutely right in saying "every day you are obese is another day off your life". Just remember that you're the one that will have the medical problems and possibly death. My mother had diabetes and didn't take care of it and it wasn't a pretty sight in the end. You need to find a way to throw him leaving you back in his face. Trust me men are weak in this area and cave in easily if you say go ahead and leave me. I'm sorry if I am to abrupt about this . Just remember in the end it's your quality of life and I wish you all the best.
This message has been edited. Last edited by: kim g,
Wow! He obviously doesn't understand the effort it takes to get insurance approval! (I finally got mine 3 days ago, and my surgery is in less than 2 weeks!!!) I felt like I was selling them my pain...it ticked me off to have to practically grovel and admit things about my condition that I don't like admitting even to myself.
As for support of those around me...I have people either listing all the people they can think of who have died or had a complication..or telling me how happy they are for me. (We had two co-workers die after this type of surgery...the people who did their surgery no longer operate here...It might just be one of those things that happen...or poor surgery.) I have a great surgeon, and I can't wait to begin my new life...(and yes...I believe I will live, despite the people telling me I am signing my own death warrent!) I remind them of how many people I know that have been killed in car accidents, and ask them if they are any safer driving to work than I am having my surgery...
Anyway, I thank them for their consern, assure them that I have purchased extra life insurance, and MOVE ON....
Shame on your husband for being so nonsupportive, I do believe that it is based in fear. (probably many fears)
This message has been edited. Last edited by: kim g,
My wife had the lap band, and at the time, we were both qualfied through insurance, but I chose nort to have the surgery. ( I wish I had)
I was cautious!! but I knew this is what she wanted and we were comfortable with the Dr.s and she has loved it, and she looks great and is more healthy then I.
that is too bad that you are not getting the support that you need from your husband...I am new here but I have read some of the comments to you and people here are supportive...people are scared of change....hang in there...dama
Don't worry my husband is the same way, but I am not doing the WLS for my husband I am doing it for me. Now that I have a date (11/30) he is coming around.
