i'm a 22year old female with a 27 year old boyfriend. the problem is that my sex drive is MUCH higher than my boyfriends, i would like it at least every other day and he only wants it once a week. he says this is because he has a very physical job and is tired when he gets home but lately its been getting tougher to get it even on the weekends. there arent any underlying emotional problems and hes not on any medication so how can i get him to have sex with me more often?

maybe its time to open up that can of whoop-a/ss youve been saving.
such as turn on his most erotic senses...the eyes. give him a show, as in... turn down the lights, light some candles, put on a negligee then watch his eyes bulge.
or you can wait until morning and wake him with a stimulation meltdown...given what cosmo. has been saying lately...is that some if not most men are better primed for busting bed springs in the a.m. as when they/we are the most rested.

i'm in the same predicament. and the only thing i've managed is to make him feel guilty. everything is great in the relationship but that part. and his reasons are that he's just not in the mood, he's tired from studying and just doesn't think about it. i've tried asking others about it but usually they always reply with "i don't know cuz usually it is the other way around." grrrr.

My hubby and I have different drives. I could have it twice a day and he is good with 3 times a week. I used to pester him constantly and make him feel bad but I realized that it was making things worse. I backed off and now we have compromised. I don't get it as often as I like but I am ok with that. The negative feelings are gone. He is much more affectionate. I would say that we have sex maybe once during the weekdays and about 3 or 4 times during the weekends. I can live with that.

You all should feel lucky. My wife and I have sex no more than once a month, sometimes every 2 months. I really don't think its a performance issue. My wife seems to have no libido and has gotten more conservative and she's only 30. We are two beautiful people and I can't understand why. When I try to discuss, it seems to turn into a big fight with her saying that's all I think about......Frustrating.

Buff

You really need to be able to discuss the situation with your wife without it turning it into a fight. All married couples need to be able to air issues that are bothering them. Heck it could be she hates that you leave the toilet seat up - if it bothers her then it should be discussed in a rational manner and both should agree on a resolution.

So getting back to her sex drive. From a statistics standpoint having sex once a month or once every two months is way lower than the average. Now if that was enough for both of you then that would be fine - but obviously it's enough for her but not yourself. So you really have two issues that need to be resolved:

1) Why is her libido so low where she is way below the average in desire?

2) Why is it that you have to conform to her desire to have sex once per month vs your desire to have it once a day? Isn't marriage supposed to be a compromise of meeting somewhere in the middle?

So I suggest you go back at her and try to open up good conversation. Try to keep it from getting emotional - stay fact based and don't point fingers or tell her she is inadequate. You just need to understand why things are the way they are. You will find that a lot good dialogue will take place if you keep the emotion out of the discussion.

Nunnzie. Thanks for the feedback. It is difficult to keep the emotion out of it. And we did go through the toilet seat thing and I fixed that along with some other things. And its not like I want it once a day. I want someone who is comfortable with their sexuality and finds me sexy. She says she does, but has a horrible way of showing it. We'll keep trying.

Wow! Sex every day? If it was only once a week, I would be a happy camper! My boyfriend and I have been living together for two years, and ever since I moved in, sex life went bye bye. We were very pationate before and had great sex. We talk about it, and when we do, things get better, but then they go back to where they were. I'm tired of even trying to talk about it anymore, because I think why bother if it's going to last only a little while...Moving in together was greeat for our relationship, we love each other dearly, but our sex life paid a huge price. The thing is, I know I need sex much more often, yet if it comes once in two months (if I'm lucky), I don't really want to do it, because it usualy hurts after such a long time. We are open and have good conversations, however when it comes to this issue, I don't think he is really telling me what's on his mind. One time he told me that it's because I've gained weight. Well, I was 110 lb when we met, and I gained 16 lb over 2 years (going to school-basicly sitting on my butt and studying every day like crazy), but I started working out again and I'm down to 119 lb and I'm keeping it up with working out and getting back in shape (before my crazy studies I worked out 6 days a week ran 4-5 miles), because I do know that for guys it's very visual and I want to be in shape for my own health most of all. Then he told me he's tired. Then it was because we would see each other every day so it was hard to get excited about it, which I understand, I could do it every day and now I would be fine with once a week. Once he told me he can tell that the older he gets, the harder it is for him to keep his erection, which that I understand too, that's normal. He does masturbate every day, sometimes more than once. So I'm just not buying it. I don't understand, and I'm really frustruated. I feel like we are loosing intimacy and I don't want us to end up loving each other dearly but living our lives together as friends more than as partners. Please help!

Buff

Yes it is very tough to have a conversation like this without it getting emotional but you have to get to that point to be able to make any progress. It won't happen overnight so be patient. It took me about 9 years of being married to get to a point where we finally got to the point where we communicated the right way. And believe me it took a lot of trial and error and some tough evenings where lots of tears were shed on both sides. But through those tough conversations we bonded and clearly felt the others pain and understood how our actions (or lack there of) were hurting the other. Keep working on her but don't let it become a war.

Amalka - all I can say is that your bf has some issues. You are not heavy if you are 119 which is ideal in most books and if he masterbates twice a day and only has sex once every two months then there is somehting going on there that is a problem. You might want to think twice before making any long term committments to this guy.

hello ms. amal.
looks as if you should have posted your own topic with this.
so here it is...this guy is giving you all the wrong answers to your questions intead of saying..."I'm sorry, what can I do to make this better?"
some where in his head is a problem and it reflects in the lack of intamacy...the guys still hiding in the closet looking for some alone time [sic] and he allows you to go neglected.
so I'm not going to offer any advise on how to "fix" the prob. for he has no desire to understand that his b.s. is what you should not accept.
sooo, just tell him your leaving so that he can have all the time he wants in the closet, since he's not bringing out the "real" reason for drifting away.
note: if your man is playing with "mr. happy" on a regular basis then his libido has not been affected...in the whole scheme of things. so the issue has a reason other than sexual. ok?ok.

Do you seriously want to consider a long term relationship with someone who does not share the same level of passion? If your partner has to be coerced into making love to you. Does this not raise some questions?
My wife and I have been married for over 25 years and I'm lucky if we do it once a month. We both love each other etc but she's never in the mood. There is always a reason not to do it. I'm not looking for sympathy here. I'm just an average male who would be interested in any more frequency etc. Counselling is not an option. My wife is a psychology major. Just my 2 cents to the forum.

Ohhh my goodness, I could have written this post myself. Me and my boyfriend have ben together for 2 years, living together for 1 1/2 of the 2 years. When we met I was almost 200 pounds, we had sex almost everyday (ofcourse at that time he was just looking for random screws), but something I did made him fall for me and we have been together ever since. After about the first 4-5 months the sex began to taper off. Over the first year I lost weight and am now at 140 (I don't have a prefect body, but it is definatly better then before). He has a very physically demanding job and he also plays sports. However, he used to still have time to have sex with me. Nothing in his schedule or work has changed yet he is "too tired"... He is off Sat, Sun and Mon. If he is too tired during the day I would think we owuld atleast do something sexual on those 3 days, but no. I get it once and it is always when he wants it. When ever I try to initiate it or do something sexy and fun and to mix it up I get shot down. He ALWAYS has an excuse and when I try to pick a time that wouldn't interfer with this "excuse" and new excuse comes up! it is so frustrating and really hurts. I love him sooo much and he has had a bad childhood which we have talked vaguely about and it effects his ability to show affection (love). I am not that bad looking, I feel I am a good girlfriend, I don't know why we have this problem. Anyone have any suggestions? I don't want to be having sex once a week and only when he wants it (I always want it so it isn't a matter of me not being in the mood). I don't think he would cheat and I NEVER would. Any ideas why I can't get him to have sex with me and maybe something Ican do. Sorry this is so long, I just needed to get it off my chest....

I'm so glad to find I'm not the only woman in this mess. My boyfriend have ben together for 20months.
We are talking about me moving in with him soon. I'm 21 he is 26. My sex drive is SO high..I could ravish his body every other day if he'd let me. We normal do it twice a week. But lately we have discussed that him Masterbating is a big problem for me and he has agreed to stop. I thought, "GREAT, now maybe sex would come at a high pace and would last a little long now that he isnt masterbating every day! Well WRONG! He has in the last 3 weeks been very stand offish...Turned me down like 3 times..We fight about that I dont get what I need emotional because sex is emotional for me..I love to be touch kissed and eveything..I have to BEG for those things..He says it has nothing to do with my asking him to stop masterbating..Sya that he just doesnt knowe how to show me and give me the things I need because I'm the longest and most open and secure relationship he has ever had. I'm SO confused and hurt..I feel as though it is ME..I'm too fat..too unatractive. He assures me that it isnt that he loves me dearly but just hasnt been in the mood lately..That is just not fair...because if and when he comes to me I'm NEVER not in the mood..He could have me whenever he wanted...So there is not turn down or frustraion there for him!!...????

I'm 22, my boyfriend's 27. We've been together since Nov. 04'. Sex was frequent for the first month. After that we had sex maybe once a month. Things were extremely frustrating for both of us because I was pushing the issue of sex and he wasn't giving in(although he did masterbate everyday )unless I made him feel bad(which only made me feel worse about myself). Then at the beginning of July he decided to quit smoking(cigarettes and otherwise). Which made me happy because I don't smoke, but it also makes me happy because last month we had sex eight times(I'm hoping this month is the same). I could have sex everyday of the week, but I'm willing to compromise as long as it's more than once a month. And I'm not sure if smoking really had much to do with it, but he says he generally feels better now. So, so do I. I'll keep you posted.

YIKES!!!! What a familiar situation!!! 2 marriages later, and I think I finally have it figured out: Don't be in a serious relationship with someone unless you are sexally similar - it just doesn't work. And, it will have serious consequences on your relationship in the long run.

I see it this way: Each person is born (yes, born) with a "set point" and this is where their 'pendulum' is stable.... Some people have a very high libido - and enjoy and want sex, think about it, often - sometimes very often. Others just see sex as a way to procreate and have children - no other sexual contact should be necessary. Each person is individual, and you can try to 'hide' your set point, or you can move in a different direction for a while - some times for years! - but eventually... eventually - your natural feelings, wants and desires will come through. It may show up as a vague "dissatifaction" or for those with a low desire level, a feeling of being 'pressured' or your partner 'putting demands on you'...

See this website: http://www.divorcebusting.com/dbsex.mv?ARTID=sexstarved but PLEASE don't follow all that this woman has to say about "Divorcebusting" - I was on the receiving end of someone who was trying to 'manipulate' me with some of her (Michelle's) 'theories', and it was a horrible experience.... and it obviously didn't work - he's my second 'ex'.... when you make up your mind that you're out, you're out, and no amount of 'strategy' and 'going dark' is going to make someone go back into a non-functional and abusive relationship...

Anyhow, sorry to digress - I am in the "libido" section....

The book this woman has written is truly enlightening and eye opening - and it was just too late for me and Mr.#2 - sometimes I wonder if I had found out about this book 4 or 5 years before I did, if it would have helped.... however, you can't look back with "what if's" - turning your sex life around to make it satisfying for 2 very different people is no easy task. By the time I found this book and read it, I thought it was written about me and him - but with the libidos turned around - I was the one with the high desire level, and he was the one with low desire.....

Looking back, he was probably very much on the main part of the bell curve - sex once every week or so. No big deal, he gets off and if I did, that's a bonus (for me, I guess) but there's no real effort to ensure that I'm enjoying the experience too.... If I wanted to make sure that I'm having a good time (i.e. - orgasm) I needed to take things in my own hands - literally, play with myself with my fingers or with a vibrator.... such a lonely time....

So now comes the talk about being "normal" - a term Mr. #2 used with me often - as in "you're not 'normal'"... Well, by the time I finally figured out that I WAS normal, perfectly normal for ME, and that HE was 'normal' for HIM.... and that our 'normals' didn't match up in any way at all... well then, the games were over - I'd given up trying, and had lost any and all possible and potential desire for him.
There was nothing, nada, and I had no desire at all to try at all. Sad, but true - read the book and you'll see many examples of similar cases, mostly she quotes it for when the man has the higer desire level, and gives up on 'trying' with his woman... but it definitely goes both ways.

As for the "happy ending" :-) I have found my perfect parter, a man who I've known most of my life who I always felt a "vibration" for - we decided to give it a try (we had before, but I kept getting married in-between!!) again, and each day I give thanks for him - for his presence in my life, for his libido, for his humor, for the passions that he expresses to me so fully and without inhibitions... My heaven is making love with him again and again... he is my other half, and the freedom of expression that I feel with him is beyond my furthest, wildest imagining... He is my ying to my yang - my match in desire and life, and I treasure him, and what we have - and can have - together.

So please, princess121 - going back to your original posting - take this discrepancy very, very seriously - it will have a profound impact on your life together. Maybe it can be overcome, but I'll tell you, when the match together is there, it is ecstasy....

Best to you,
chrischic

I have this issue with my husband. I'm not sure why this is but we've been married almost 3 years (my 2nd marriage, his 1st) and we barely have sex at all...maybe once per month. I have no idea what the issue is and I've asked and tried to talk to him and all he says is he's tired. I've tried all the "erotic" stuff so I guess it's either me or he's just not interested. It's very sad and frustrating and I don't know what to do. I don't want an affair b/c I want my husband, no one else. I guess I'm close-to-celibate for the rest of my life.

Bottom line - married people need to be able to discuss their problems! Him just saying he's tired is BS. The problem is that when he says he is just tired and of course you don't believe that you start to guess what the problem really is. You start to think he doesn't find you sexy, or he has something on the side, etc etc. It starts to snowball and next thing you know someone is sleeping on the couch. Get a crowbar and force open the lines of communication!!

Hi, I would also like to add that my boyfriend has no sex drive. He doesnt masterbate, or I believe not. He always has a headache or a blocked nose, and another excuse is he has other things to think about. I njoy sex atleast 3 times a week, but it has been limited to once a month. Its hard for me to except it, but i cope. He also says that it takes the fun out of it, if we do it too often. I believe you create your own fun if it gets too boring. I can't help but feel hurt and ugly cause he will say that other chicks are sexy and I know Im not bad looking. Then I start thinking if he had a chance to grab someone if he would. Is the problem with me? I feel unattractive now and I lost all my self convidence. I tried numerous things, from romantic dinner to walking around in my underwear. Nothing works. I started thinking maybe he is gay. And everytime he turns me down I just think to myself: fine, I dont want to make love to a man while Im mad at him or if he doesnt want to. but it doesnt really help. I think that both parties should compromise, even if it means that I say we only do it say three times a month. But he doesnt want to hear of it. It goes deeper than just sex. It makes me feel unwanted and as if he doesnt give me his everything.

I was really glad that I saw these letters, I thought I was the only one with this problem cause usually its the woman that doesnt want to have sex. Thanks for making me realise that there are woman out there like me.