I'll try to keep this brief. I met my boyfriend in college, we have been dating 5 years. I moved in a year ago as a "temporary" situation after a career move to his area (80 miles from my home).

We get along very well, we make each other laugh, have a lot in common, work well in many ways. However, he has no sex drive. We have sex maybe twice a month if I am lucky. I have a very active sex drive and feel I need it in order to feel connected to him. We have been to counseling for several months and he has promised to work on his problem. He bought some books and has made some minor changes but nothing has really changed.

We are getting close to being engaged and I am not sure if I'm going to be okay with this situation for the rest of my life. However, I don't know if it's possible to be compatible in so many ways as we are in seemingly most other areas. He is the one person I never get tired of being around, and I do love him very much.

The lack of sex makes me feel undesirable, unattractive, unwanted/uncared for, and very disconnected from him. When I am waiting for the next "rendezvous" I question whether I am even in love with him since the relationship seems mostly platonic. But, when we do have sex it's great and I feel rejuvenated again--like a battery that needs to be recharged.

I am so torn. I'm not sure if I am just being unreasonable but I am 26 and not exactly ready to give up sex in the way I feel I am right now. However, I also don't want to give up this awesome guy that I love very much. He is honorable, responsible, kind, helpful, and cares for me very much. I should also mention he has a mild case of irritable bowel syndrome that he has to be medicated for. Both the disease and the drugs he is on kill his drive further. Should I just be more patient and understanding? Or am I kidding myself that this is going to work?

Sorry, I tried to keep it short.

Well if you were wondering what it's like being married and dealing with issues - you are pretty much there. This is exactly the kind of stuff that comes down the line during a marriage - because you quickly find teh two are not exactly the same.

I am wondering if the main problem with the BF's libido is caused from the medical problem he has or the medication he is taking? Has he spoken to his doctor about this - if not then that needs to be the next thing on the list for him. If he can get his sex drive back then your problems might just go away all together.

The good news here is that he does have a good interest in solving the problem. Yes he isn't perfectly matching your desires but that rarely exists. I have been married for 14 years now and believe me my spouse and I have never matched up perfectly in what we desire in sex. But as you will find in all good marriages we work together to "meet in the middle" and are happy with that.

This guy sounds like someone you should seriously consider marriage with. However you must be sure you can accpet him the way he is and can be happy with that. Yes there is a chance he might improve - but there is an equal chance that his condition might not. So ask youself if you can live with status quo? If so then go for it - if not then you better reconsider tying the knot.

Thank you both for your responses. I was actually bracing myself for negativity--what a relief! I had him get checked out at the Dr. to test his hormone levels, overall health, etc. and he seemed to be fine. He's only on the IBD medicine when he's having a "flare up" which isn't too often thankfully. However, the frequency of sex doesn't change regardless it seems. So, I don't think it's the medicine.

I would like to initiate and perhaps try some sexy lingerie or something...but I am too hurt right now. I have tried in the past and he will say "what are you doing?" or just kind of ignore my advances. It's extremely humiliating and crushes my already low self-esteem.

Any other suggestions?

Hi julianna. I can relate, I have a very similar story and maybe can be some help.
I too was in a similar situation with my (now ex) wife. Sex for us became very planned out and almost scripted. She decided that we would have sex every Saturday night at bed time. But typically averaged out to about 3 times per month. When we did have sex it was always the same scripted thing time after time. It was very predictable and not desirable at all. She is a school teacher and does nothing without a plan or list to follow. I always was a person with a high sex drive. But with her I just didn't care. I wanted more but was ok with the fact that this is how I was going to spend the rest of my life. She is an attractive and slender woman but I simply was not sexually attracted to her. I just had no desire what so ever to even want more from her. I loved her very much, I respected her as my wife and as the mother of our 2 boys, and we made good life partners (or so I thought. LOL) But I just was not sexually attracted to her. Now, fast forward past my divorce. I have a new girlfriend for the past 2 years now and things couldn't be better. Our sex life is wonderfull. We are both completely satisfied and go at it like teenagers. (I am 42 and she is 38) I find that my desire has returned 10 fold. The difference being that I am very sexually attracted to her. She is also attractive, BUT IN BODY AND MIND. She is much more spontanious and desires me more.(And tells me she does) Which is a huge turn on for me.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is that it could be a mindset thing. Perhaps he is liking the relationship end of it but just doesn't have the sexual attraction? Just a thought, thats just my experience. Good luck, hope it all works out. Keep us up to date.