Hi all! I'll try to keep this short, but looking for some advice/comments/ideas/thoughts/anything!
I have been married for 8 years (been together 14) and even though we have the minor issues of help around the house (no kids though), my husband has a great heart, would never hurt me or cheat on me (seriously) and other than the laziness issue, I can't say anything bad about him. Except that I have changed over the past few years (or just became more comfortable with my true self really) and now I'm afraid we're not that right for each other. We don't like to do the same things when it comes to vacations & activities. He's very stable (same job for 16 years, never lived anywhere but his home town) and I'm a responsible wanderer I like to try new things all the time and I doubt I will ever be settled. I truly worry about retirement with him because he likes to go go go and I'm a relaxer. And now, there is a co-worker that I am falling for. He is so much more like me that I can see myself traveling and retiring with him. We like the same things, have the same attitude toward things and seem to be a better fit than my husband and I.
I want to have a successful marriage and I don't want to hurt my husband, but I feel like I'm in the wrong relationship! The co-worker is going through a divorce and I guess him being available has made things a little tricker. We have never done anything and never would, neither of us are cheating types. We go to lunch occasionally and talk on IM once in a while.
I also don't want to be the kind of woman that drops one good guy when another one comes along. They are both good men, just one is a better match...and it's not the one I'm with I'm afraid.

Just had to get this out there and see what people think. I'd especially love to find someone who has or is going through this kinda thing.

Thanks

Ok girl - you are not going steady with your man and studying your alternatives. You are married!! Remember those vows you made 8 years ago? You vowed to love him til death - not til the fun was gone and something better came along. So does he know you IM this guy and go to lunch with him? I would be pretty upset if I caught my wife doing these things behind my back.

Alright here's the scoop. You are married so get the thoughts of the other side of the fence out of your head. You need to quit socializing with this other guy as it is only making things worse. The next thing you need to do is what all persons in a "less than perfect" marriage should do. You should always try to eliminate "issues" that keep your marriage from not being perfect. No two people are 100% compatable so it is necessary to find ways to overcome the issues and strive for happiness. You have known this man for 14 years and now you are coming to a conclusion that you are not compatable? As much as you claim not to be wanting to stray from your marriage it really sounds as if you are trying to find an excuse to go after the other guy.

Thanks Nunnzie!

I do agree with you on all points and I really don't like feeling this way. My husband does know about my friend as we have a very open and honest relationship. And I say my friend as opposed to "the other guy" because he is a very good friend. We've worked together for 8 years and I would like to find the maturity to always have him as a friend. So, it is very difficult to get him off my mind since we work together in the same department. Trust me, I try!! I am looking to change careers very soon and I was just thinking that it will help if I don't see him everyday. And the lunches and IM chats are not regular. Maybe once every couple months, if that.
I would never cheat on my husband and my friend would not have an affair with a married person, so that is good.
It is not that we are not compatible (most people who meet us comment on how cute we are, or how much they can see the love between us), it is that we have such different interests. I am very independent while he needs me around all the time (something he admitted to just last night). A lot of this is my fault. I've recently discovered that I did need him when we met. I was not comfortable with my true self and therefore found someone who took me out of my "old life". We've had great fun together and without him I might not have done the things I have. But now, I'm starting (finally!!) to be comfortable with my true self. Which means I'm not willing to just go with the flow and be happy living his life with him. I've started to do things I love to do and he doesn't share the same interests. I'm fine just doing my own thing, but he wants to do everything together.

Hence the turmoil! We are talking about it and like I said before, I do not want to be that woman that drops one guy as soon as another comes along. But, seeing that I've known my friend for 8 years, I don't think you can really say I'm acting harshly (if I did leave my husband). In other words, he didn't JUST come along.

Thanks for the insight, just talking about it helps so much!

Seems like you have your head on straight and just caught up in a little tension caused by the different interest you have your hubby have. Best thing for both of you to do is to work together to find some common ground in your interests. My wife and I are somewhat similar as we are quite different in our hobbies. I like sports stuff and she likes cooking, wine tasting and stuff like that. We both do a good job doing things for the other - i.e. she will come to sporting events to be with me and I go to plays or fancy dinners with her to be with her. The good part is that I enjoy being with her so much I really look forward to doing things with her - even things I hate doing (like sitting through a play).

Anyway both of you should try to meet in the middle and cherish the time together.

THEWANDEREINU THEIR IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT IF YOU HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE I AM TRYING TO JUSTIFY WHAT I AM INTO ME AND MY HUSBAND (NOT LEGALLY) BUT I WILL EXPLAIN THAT ANOTHER TIME WE WERE DATING FOR 7 YEARS I HAD 3 GIRLS ALREADY THAT I WAS RAISING ON MY OWN WE RECENTLY MARRIED DEC 16-2006 AFTER 7 YEARS, BUT THE COURTS HAVEN'T RECIEVED OUR PAPERS I MOVED TO HARRISBURG, PA FROM CALIFORNIA TO BE WITH HIM MIND YOU 2005 I HAD HIS SON WE HAVE BEEN THROUGH AND UP& DOWN YOU CAN THINK OF AND WE REALIZED WE LOVE EACH OTHER BUT WHEN I CAME TO HARRISBURG THIG STARTED GOING DOWN HILL WE ARE NOW AND WAS SINCE DEC. LIVING WITH HIS PARENT TO TRY AND SAVE FOR A HOUSE AND HE HAS TOLD ME IN BETWEEN THAT TIME THAT HE DOESN'T WANT TO BE WITH ME ANYMORE ETC... AND THAT I SHOULD MOVE ON NOW THIS WAS IN MARCH EARLY THIS YEAR THAT WAS STRAIGHTNED OUT NOW WE WERE TO MOVE IN OUR NEW HOUSE IN NOVEMBER BUT I STARTED LIKING THIS CO- WORKER AND I HAVE CONFIDED IN HIM AND WE HAVE NOT DONE ANYTHING ALL THOUGH IT IS NOT FAR FROM MY MIND AT ALL, BUT I TOLD MY (HUSBAND) I DO NOT WANT TO MAKE ANY MOVES WITH HIM UNTIL WE BOTH RECIEVE COUNSELING BUT I DO UNDERSTAND YOUR DILEMA BECAUSE I KNOW I LOVE MY HUSBAND AND DO NOT WANT TO HURT HIM AND ETC... BUT HEY SOMETHINGS ARE WORH IT TO ME IN A WAY I GUESS IT DEPENDS ON WHAT YOUR GOIN THROUGH WE'VE HAD LUNCH AND EVERYTHING NOTHING HARMFULT TO ME OR HIM BUT DEFINATELY TO MY 9husband)IT WOULD BE

I can't say that I have any advice for you but I do understand the strain that can result from being different people. I feel that i'm in or was in a relationship very simular to yours Ours didn't or isn't working but i still believe differences don't define a relationship or it's success. If you find common ground and are happy being different people there's no reason that you can't be a successful match with different interests. In fact I think it can be a good thing.. different interest insure you don't grad on each other as long as you have a strong common base.

thewandererinme,

I'm speaking to you as one who has been involved in one of those "special friend" relationships that goes too far, maybe not physically, but emotionally.

I think you're at a point in your marriage where you need to be really honest about this whole thing. You say your husband knows about this friend, but does he really know that you're considering leaving him for this friend? Does your friend know that you're thinking of leaving your husband for him? If your husband read your post, do you think he would still be fine with your "friendship?" This friendship may make you feel good, but it's hurting the relationship between you and your husband a lot. Maybe your life will work out so that you can have both of these guys, but I'll bet you'll be forced to choose one or the other pretty soon.

And, since we don't know each other, take this with a giant grain of salt. But, I think it's awfully easy to get arrogant when we believe that we've changed into some ideal "true self" and the promises we made to others as our "old self" no longer apply. I thought that about myself when I was with my "friend" too. I think that's what most people think before they leave their boring spouse for someone more fun. And, most spouses do get boring unless we spend some time and effort trying to keep the marriage new. It's clearly not an easy thing to do, or fewer divorces would happen.

I wish you luck making your decisions, and I hope everything works out for you.

By the way, I didn't consider myself the "cheating type" either, but I still got burned. And, I found out some things about myself that I didn't like. Word to the wise.