ANY ADVICE WOULD BE FANTASTIC!!!

I have being seeing my boyfriend for over a year now, and I can't imagine my life without him. He's everything I have looked for. We have excellent communication (except for this obviously), he's supportive, energetic, fun, successful, driven...I could go on forever. However, there is one HUGE issue. For some reason my body seems to react negitivly to his. I DO have a sexual drive, but it seems to disappear everytime there is the possibility of having sex with him. I have had other relationships where the sex was great. This has never been an issue before.

He has been so incredibly patient with this situation, but it's getting to be too much to handle...and we often argue about this, but only this. I am willing to do anything to figure this out. I want to marry him, but I would never expect him to marry me if I don't want to have sex.

I don't know if it's a lack of life experience (I'm 24), or just a simple lack of physical chemical reaction between the two of us. Help! Thank you!

HEY,KELLY,
It seems ur problem needs a counseling, look u r young 24, having previous sexual experience , so thers's no reason for any lack of Sexual drive, but its' just u r not mentally feeling sexually cling to him,just imagine having sex wit him n affirm next u going to make it happen n grt for total relaxation n pleasure...are hour Hormones normal, coz sometime their fluctuation may indirectly affect performance qoutient of any activity be it Sex too..
another advice wd b to tell ur partner to kick t button first n take u in, it might just do t trick...reply

DR.ISHAAN CHAWLA
Naturopath & Clinical Psycotherapist
and Holistic Healer

I do not understand the good Dr's advice for you. It seems to have been written by his 14 year old child. I was excited to see a Drs response because I have had the same problem.
I married my man that I wasn't lusting after and things are fine. He does complain that I do not act intrested in sex and it is something that I worry about as well. He is the first man that I have been with that can make me orgasm during sex and you'd think that would be a great incentive, but its not. I thought that an orgasm would make my days happier but the feeling doesn't last.
Yesterday, I decided to get off of my butt, shut off the learning channel and wake him up from his nap. I had showered, got my sexy on and surprized him with a hot outfit. I know that he appreciated it and that helped him feel wanted (marriage is for both parties).
I have even used those dice that came in my bachelorette party pinata. I have read that feeling sexy does not mean you need to be 110 lbs. I gained a few pounds after meeting him and I think that was part of my problem. I need to get over myself and my insecurites and have fun. Perhaps you should to: ) Good luck in love to you!

Kelly,
Just a couple of thoughts.
No, of course sex shouldn't be the main ya or nay issue in a relationship. But it can be a major issue if your libido's are opposites. If you both have low libido's then there basically is no problem. But when one is high and the other low, that usually will mean problems ahead. It is entirely possible to love and respect someone as your spouse and not be sexually attracted to them. I was in such a marraige for 15 years. I loved my ex dearly and respected her as my wife and the mother of our two boys. But was never really attracted to her physically or sexually. At first it was a marraige of convenience (that lasted 15 years) But it eventually caught up with us. We typically had sex about once a month. But despite not being sexually attracted to her I never had a problem rising to the occasion. Simply a natural physical reaction. Naked female plus naked male equals male erection. LOL! Good luck.

Hi Kelly3310!

Interesting story you have there, and let me tell you right away, I really hope things will resolve with your future husband.

I ran into a very similar situation myself not so long ago. Seems you don't have a lack of communication with your partner, similarly to my situation.

I'm not sure if it helps, but let me outline my story, and maybe you can benefit from it. The following is a true story, and the events and places have not been changed a single bit.

I was on training and working in a foreign country about two years ago. During that period i met a beautiful, smart, young local girl. We hit it off extremely well right away. There was a very intensive connection between us from the first second, however she was seeing someone at the time, and while it wasn't exactly a serious relationship neither of us even mentioned the possibility of anything developing between us. Then shortly after something happened and she wanted to get out of that "relationship" (I knew the guy, and he wasn't too stable a personality to say the least). I was there for her, but genuinly had no intentions to take advantage of the situation. What followed was a weird case of she going around in circles trying to get out of a very disturbing relationship with someone who wasn't genuinly a bad person, more of a prisoner of his own emotions, thereby unable to think with a clear head most of the time.
We started hanging out more and more, and eventually happened what was inevitable between two young adults. No, we didn't do THAT, but we had our first kiss in not-so-upscale bar/restaurant, followed up by some more kissing in an even-less-classy parking lot. Terrible, but I hoped the actual connection helped to get over these mild inconveniences (not to mention the fact, i managed to bite her that night while being a little too much into making out... OK, so I have big, healthy teeth. Let's just carry on with the story).
I thought the world was mine. The story with the guy got resolved when he left the country, so everything was yeehaw. I was happy, in love (by that time i knew i found someone who is more exceptional then anyone i could've ever imagined), and our connection was PERFECT...
For exactly one and a half weeks...
Then our relationship took a negative development. First she stopped seeing me, at the same time not calling and answering my calls less and less, eventually degrading the whole thing to e-mails. I was completely clueless, since the few times we met, or talked our connection was exactly as before. There were numerous possibilities going through my mind to explain the situation.
First off before you mention, despite it being in a foreign country, language was never an issue. I spoke the language fluently, and she spoke some english to get by...
My first idea was, that we became more "friends", then a "couple", and she's trying to keep it at that level. I more or less tried to accomodate that thought, but you have to understand i was in love, therefor driven more by my emotions then rational thinking. I wanted to spend my life with this girl, and it seemed that's exactlty what she wants too, but something kept her from opening.
It wasn't until later that she told me the real reason. It was a lot less shocking then i expected, and definitely less then she has. There was another guy in the picture. Once again a "relationship". His situation wasn't exactly helpful either. A wife and a child living in a remote area of the country, while he was serving in our town, working for the military. As always with "twisting-the-truth" situations, it would've helped tremendously if i was more familiar with this aspect of her life, because some of my reactions might have been a lot different. I understood the reason she got confused amongst all these guys contributing less and less towards stability. So we layed the relationship aspect aside a for a while, and became "friends". I have to admit though, this never really worked for me. Every single time we talked, every single time we met, my heart broke a little, as i tried adn tried, and couldn't, understand WHY we're not together, if we understand eachother and connect so well otherwise.
Just a little side track so that you understand how this story relates to your inquiry. In that on week we only had a couple of occasions we got intimate, and we didn't really get farther then a decent foreplay. So sex was not really part of our relationship or friendship (whatever that was at the time) and in that direction we didn't have any connection. In other words it wasn't like we were great sex partners and if nothing else worked at least we had that... But the little experience we had together meant, we knew that we felt comfortable with eachother.
A couple of months past like that, and I left the country to visit my parents for christmas and New Years. She took me to the airport and i kissed her goodbye. The first time for months. I knew i wasn't supposed to (friendship and all) but i could not resist. Every time i saw her i fell in love with her again and again. And when we talked, it was as if we knew eachother from another age. We picked up conversations abandoned weeks earlier. Continued thoughts initiated by e-mail, followed up by text messeges concluded on the answering machine of her cell (remember... she wasn't the best in answering calls). It wasn't perfect, but i was in love, and i was ready to do anything to be with her, appreciating any tiny sparkle of her time i could get.
Then she figured to come visit me. Just like that. And I agreed. At this point though, despite all the romantic blabber i wrote, i wasn't expecting anything. I thought she wants to visit me, because she wants to see the country (after all, it is the greatest nation in the world), and she feels comfotable enough with me, to do it (it is an 8000 miles journey to a place she's never seen before).
She came for 10 days. The greatest 10 days of my life (and her as she said later). We had sex on the second night. And every single night following. We travelled a lot and had a lot of fun. Then the ten days were over, and she had to leave (I was going to follow her maybe a week or so later, since i had to finish my training). One of her last text messages she sent from the airport before her flight departed was...
"Please don't let me f@#$ this up"
I swore her i wouldn't.

The first two or three weeks back in her town were great but the usual pattern started slowly kreeping back, and then it settled at a weird level. From that point on we went back and forth from being great together to her not really acting like a person in love should (according to my understanding). Sex started to become an issue. Funny thing is it was similar to other aspects of our relationship. WHEN we had it, it was good, but it became more and more rare. Eventually settling at about 1-2 a month. Other aspects of her life seemed to get a little better too. They had a talk with the guy (I think she really liked that guy, but she never mentioned if she needed more time to make a decision), and things were getting resolved.
I have to admit, i think i was a little too much at the beginning. I wasn't exactly chocking her (emotionally i mean) but i think if i would have been in my own society i would have acted a little differently, had more of my own social life. So while sex and cultural differences were an issue (apparently other countries think differently about circumcision and girls might have issues with that), otherwise it was perfect, and we were having a lot of fun in everyday situations.
For obvious reasons though, despite all our efforts to disregard it, sex and intimacy became a problem that we were trying to solve, but the more we tried the more frustrated we were getting. She didn't like my appartement (couldn't blame her, it stank and i was sleeping on a mattress on the floor for almost a year), so i moved to a nicer place. She was still living home, and that added to the frustration, so she ended up moving out. Didn't help. Nothing helped.
The couple of times we were having sex was great (although she claimed to have varying intensity of pain at the beginning, she said she had an orgasm most of the time we were together). Even though it wasn't regular at the end, we were experimenting with eachother's body a lot, and realised we share a lot of interestingly common desires.
Sounds weird but we actually had a lot of fun having sex.
There are some other contributing factors to that story, but i already wrote too much for one take.
So...
To be continued...
(if anyone is interested of course)

P.S.: Please keep us all in the loop for any developments in your love life.

Later