It all started like this....me and my classmate do homework together and he generally comes to my home and we do homework all night. After a few days, there was something, which I felt was connecting us. One night, when we were sleeping close to each other, he held my hand. We then kissed, very passionately. This has been happening for almost 2 weeks now. The passion seems to be rising. Kissing, physical intimacy and almost sex but never did it. I cant figure it out if he loves me or no. But this is what he tells ---
He said, after his mother, I am the only woman who could understand him.
I am the only girl who never used him unlike his previous 2 girlfriends. (I know he did have painful relationships in the past)
He pays when we go out for food...and when I tell that I want to pay, he says, its just that as long as he is earning he will pay for me.
He calls me often.
He worries about my skin tone.
He told me to polish my nails so that they look nice !!
He makes sure that I am alright and I dont get hurt with anything.
After all this, he still says, "I dont feel anything for you.." but each time he gives me a hug, the hug doesnt feel like its lustful..!! He tells me not to love him, infact never !! I dont understand him in this aspect nor did I ever want to ask him because I feel I should wait for him to tell things....do you think he really doesnt love me ? If he doesnt love me, then what is this relationship between us ?

No he really doesn't love you. He likes you and cares for you very much but is not in love with you. Maybe his previous bad experiences with past girlfriends has caused this? Maybe there is something about you that turns him off? Who knows.

The worst case here is that he is just enjoying the companionship and enjoys having somebody that he can "makeout" with whenever he wants and has not plans whatsoever to take the relationship to the next level.

The best case is that he is still damaged from a prior bad relationship and is scared to get hurt once again. But he can't help from touching you and caring for you and whether he likes it or not is slowly but surely falling in love with you.

The one thing you DON'T want to do is have sex with him. Because if you do that then if he really is using you then you are playing right into his hand and you will ultimately be very hurt.

This happened just 2 nights ago...this guy (whom I talked about earlier) was hugging me and was kissing me all over my face. He said these things to me :
1. That he likes me so much and that he is so happy when he is with me because I understand him very well.
2. If his wife would be like me, then she would be the ideal one.
He was telling me that he liked me a lot repeatedly all through the night. But, he kept telling me to not love him any time because he is scared that I would be hurt and that he doesnt wants to hurt me....he says that he decided that he is not gonna fall in love after the sad experience with his ex...when I told him that he can let go things off..he said he has become a rock-heart and that he cannot love.
I feel, this guy, does love me somewhere in his heart but doesnt wants to accept it. He cares for me a lot and likes to be with me. The first thing he would think about in a day is me, I feel it. He calls me very very often and asks if we can meet. He keeps looking at me every now and then during class hours or anywhere in a crowd.

I cant really figure it out what is going on with him. I just want to know your opinion regarding the same because I know I am falling in love with him but I just want to be sure before I take a step forward. Early replies will be appreciated. Thanks )

By the way...I am 22 and he is 25

He is making it very clear that he is falling head over heals in love with you but his defense mechanism is kicking in. His previous bad experience with his ex breaking his heart really caused him a lot of pain and after that experience he made a vow not to ever feel this way again. So everytime he starts crossing over the line of no return he has to remind himself (and yourself) that love if "off limits" and don't love him because love in his mind will eventually mean heart break.

So that's the good news here - he is not using you or isn't turned off by something you do or the way you look. He is just recovering from a horrible experience of which should pass over time.

So what should you do here? First - accept that it will take some time for him to get over his issues. Next you should tell him it is ok to fall in love with someone and love doesn't always end up in failure. Tell him that you care for him very much and want to love him back and he needs to have faith that things will work out. Remind him that you are not his ex and have no intentions of hurting him or disrespecting him.

Thanks nunnzie...it felt so good to read what you wrote For now, I know that I will give this guy his time and space...and try making him feel better from his heart..Will update with more info later...

Ok...here I am, back again !! Its about the same guy whom I am loving secretly and still waiting for him to tell things....

This is all what he has been doing since all these days :

1. He says that I am his girlfriend but he would never say "I love you".
2. Almost without my notice, he kept one of my pictures with him. Don't know where he kept the picture..I think it must be in his wallet.

One night this is what happened between us over the phone....

He called me up like usual and we were talking for fun and trying to make fun of each other. Somehow the conversation got serious and he started to tell me not to love him at all. He was telling me that loving him would be painful because it would be only from my side and that I would be hurt because he wont be able to love me. I told him that love need not be always painful and that its ok...if it was painful once, it doesn't mean one has to stop oneself from loving someone again. Despite my talk, he was insistent on what he thought. I didn't utter a word about it and allowed to speak what he felt like.

Then, we somehow got into a deeper conversation and I told him , "Its ok...go sleep with someone else. Move on. Don't bother about me." We keep talking like this (I don't know why)though we never intend to see someone else other than each other. After having said those words, I hung up and he did too. After about 15 minutes, he called me back and said "You cannot take it right? Me with someone else ! You felt bad right? I am sorry." Now I did say a yes to his questions making it obvious that I love him somewhere in my heart but suddenly I got this thought that he made the same point too, but I think without his knowledge. Because, I think, he was feeling bad more about it and so just called me up in order to not only make me feel better but also himself (This is what I think).

We still keep making love or let me say, we have sex because the word "love" is still not defined between us. He says that he is certain that I will love him but I want to know ways through which I can atleast make him tell indirectly that he does love me or atleast I want to make him realise the same. He is not a guy who is gonna listen to what I say...he needs to realise it in his own head in order to seriously understand the love he has for me. Somehow, my heart says that he does love me but is only trying to kill the feeling before it grows because he is scared of an other heart break.

His actions like...sleeping on my lap, holding me tight when sleeping, stroking my hair when I am asleep...all of this surely doesnt make me feel its lust....!!!

What do I do ? How should make him realise and tell that he is loving me ?

Sorry...I know this is real long but please do reply because I am in need of answers for my questions. I really appreciate the help.

OK..here I am, back again having another piece of story to tell about the same guy and some questions at the end....

All these days, the story went like this...This guy whom I have been talking about all the while..

1. Has my picture with him which he has taken from me without my notice. And my guess would be, he has it in his wallet...
2. He says that I am his girlfriend but never says the words "I love you"

He always tells me not to love him, infact never. If reasons asked, he would say, to love someone and love not being reciprocated feels aweful. Its very painful, he says. He says he doesnt love me at all and so he doesnt want me to love him either because I'll get hurt. No matter what he talks, we still kiss and have "kinda" sex. And when doing all of this, his actions dont seem lustful at all. It feels like, he is "making love" to me rather than "making out" with me.

Somehow our conversations are always weird and include about other women or other men and most of the time, we keep kidding with each other. One night, over the phone, it so happened that we were just having a fun talk and I told him, "Ok..move on...go sleep around, I dont care." After I told this, the conversation went a bit on a serious note, and he said "I never was holding onto you and so I can easily move on. Infact, I am trying to find some girl for myself." I said "Ok..cool"(though I was hurt). We then hung up on each other. After about 15 minutes, he calls me back and tells me, "You cant take it right? Me with someone else...you'll be hurt, right?" I answered a yes to him making it obvious that I love him. But, later I felt that, its also him who cannot move on and so once he said something like that, his own conscience was not agreeing with what he uttered and so he called back in order to tell the same thing.

I know he cares for me a lot. If I say that I am annoyed, he does something which is funny and finally make me laugh. If I am disappointed, he makes me feel better. But, its only that he doesnt wants to love at all. He has made up his mind that he is not gonna love anyone in his life. And when I told him that love need not be always painful...he says that I shouldnt love him. No matter what we talk about love, it comes back to the same point of him asking me not to love him any time !!!

I dont understand what should I do...All his actions and talk make me feel that he does love me...he sleeps on my lap, strokes my hair when I am asleep...always makes sure that I am fine.

Is there any way I can make him tell, at least indirectly, that he is loving me secretly..(probably even he doesn't realize)..How should I get things going ? Please help...

Sorry for this long post...but eagerly waiting for replies...Nunnzie....help !!

Hey - well it looks like things are pretty much status quo with your guy in that there isn't any difference in his behavior. I really don't think you are in danger of loosing him or anything so if you want to just let him take his time into falling in love with you then you are ok. However, if you are getting tired of this status quo and need him to move one way or another you can force the issue. If you force the issue it can either turn out with a happy ending or might run him off so you need to be ok with that risk.

If you want to move him off the status quo you really will have to challange his stupid comments concerning love. You will have to ask him what his intentions for the remainder of his life. Does he intend to stay single - never to marry and have kids and die a lonely old man? I am guessing that is not his intention and if no then how does he plan to every marry someone if he refuses to love somebody? The answer is obvious. You need to agree with him that he had a horrible experience with love but he shouldn't punish himself and you just because some girl broke his heart and dumped on him. You are not that girl and want to love him and you refuse to go through life in a loveless relationship.

Thanks for the reply nunnzie....

I dont know what should I do because his actions and words change with every day....they make me feel two different things...once, that he loves me and sometimes that he doesn't.

There is a sudden change in him now...he started asking me since 2 nights...if I would want to marry him...he directly asked me, "Will you marry me?" I lost my breath for that question..Initially, I thought that he must be kidding...and was answering him too in a funny way...but he asked me this again last night. So, I questioned him back saying that what made him ask me that when he doesnt want to love me at all....he said that he doesnt know why he asked me but wants to know my answer....I told him that I can only marry him if I love him and most importantly, when he loves me too. I told him that there is no point for marriage if he doesnt love me at all. He said that he might love me after getting married !!! After saying this, he again asked me to answer if I would want to marry him, I told him that the day we love each other truly, we will surely get married...I also asked him if he loved me, he said NO...!! (like usual)

Hmmmm...now what do I do...I know he reached the limit..he asked me for marriage...but I want to do things slowly and effectively...when he says that he loves me, I want him to mean every word of his and love me truly...how do I make sure that this happens...and what do I do now ?

Ok now this is getting to the point where it is pretty serious and he needs to get his act together if he is really asking you to marry him.

First - you did a great job in answering him when he pressured you for an answer. And from here on out stick with your answer that you will refuse to answer him until he falls in love with you period. His answer of him maybe falling in love with you after you two marry is crazy and unacceptable.

So here is what you need to do with him. He has blown the door wide open on his intentions and at first I thought he was just wanting a nice girlfriend to help him get over his previous bad experience with his last GF. But now he is talking marriage which is a whole new ballgame. So what you need him to do is to mature in that area and really get him focused on what unconditional love is all about and his responsibilities he will have as a husband and future father. So sit him down and have a heart to heart with him. Tell him you love him and could conceptually see you two possibily being married in the future. But then tell him you are concerned with his hang ups with love and understanding of how that plays into marriage. Tell him you understand he went through a bad experience which caused his current issues but he needs to get over that and mature in that area. Agree that if you see him move in the right direction in that area and if he shows that he has the maturity and responsibility to be a good husband and father you will be ready with an answer when that happens.

DON'T ever be pressured into an answer when it comes to marriage even if it means he might pack his bags and leave.

The story has taken a different turn now...entirely different !!!!!!

I told him the three words "I love you" because it was getting too obvious...I felt there was no point playing anymore and so I confessed that I love him....

The best part of the story is that we dont know each other much..in the sense that I know 80% of his personality, the kind of person he is..but he doesnt know much about me at all !!! Since the time I told him that I love him, he was asking me every now and then if I was sure...I said yes....Last night he asked me to tell about myself...I was telling him few things about myself...He then asked me "Do you think I love you?Do you feel my love?" I said its a difficult question because its he who has to say if he loves me or no....but I said that I do feel that he loves me...then I asked him if he does, he said "No, I dont love you"....and cut the topic here and told me to sleep...

He didnt utter a word after that...not until now...I know he will talk to me but not about love for a while...

I am totally falling in love with him and loving him unconditionally...what should I do for him to reciprocate ? or atleast tell something about it....My love has reached to an extent that now I can do anything for his happiness...something like I can sacrifice my feelings for him and happily see him with another girl (whom HE loves) and I will keep loving him in my heart....

I know people are tired reading all of this...I just hope that I get help from here soon and thanks nunnzie for all the patience and the help you did...

Hey sarlet - you are not burdening anyone here and we love to help. You continue to do all the right things in your responses to his strange questions and you are feeling the right things. So good for you and keep it up.

As for him - I think you need to really start getting him to get off his stupid stance of "not loving you" or "he will never love anyone". Ok we all know he was hurt but he needs to grow up and mature a little here. He needs to quit sulking and start acting like a mature adult who certainly is acting like he wants a long term relationship - even marriage with you. So if I were you I would start cutting through the chase with this guy and tell him that it's time to stop sulking and playing his little "broken heart" sympathy games and decide if he wants to continue to progress this relationship or not. You have been very patient with him and you have spilled your guts to him on where you stand so it's time for him to step up and hit a homer.

One thing I learned is that some people like to play the victom of life and they like to go around and talk about how bad things are for them. The more you listen and nuture that discussion the more they keep throwing it at you because you are feeding the flames. So the way to get them out of this cycle is to shut them down and focus them in a different direction.

Thanks nunnzie...you have always been very patient with what I post and answer to all of my questions or ambiguities very well...I really appreciate it

As for this guy....he keeps asking me every now and then...if I am sure I love him and I keep answering him that I do...He asked me few questions like (I dont know why but I feel he is testing the love I have for him, if it is true or no)..."What can you do for me?Can you jump off this building?" I answered, "I love you and I am not immature to give away my life just because you want me to prove how much I love you. Yes, I can do anything for you as long as it is right and the situation demands it." Then he asked me, "If I tell you to drink alcohol, will you do it?" I answered, "Only if I want to. Love doesnt mean that I have to blindly listen to you though you tell me incorrect things"...then his question was, "If I say lets have six children after marriage and you dont like the idea what would you do?". I answered, "Having children is not just an outcome of making out but it needs planning...specially financial planning...I think I will tell you to talk about it with me so that we can come up with a good idea"...After listening to my answers (though I know his questions are dumb, probably means a lot to him) he said "Wow !! Impressive...very good answers."

Then he asked me again "Do you want to marry me?" I said, "Yes, only if you love me. Else, NO." He then said "If I say yes, will you ? sure?" I said "Ya, sure. My gut feels its you for me." When I said "I love you" to him, he quickly said, "I don't."

Over the phone he asked me to tell that I love him....TWICE !!! He just said "Tell I love you"...I didnt understand why he wanted to hear it from me...!!

Hmmmmm....I know and understand this guy so well that I can almost sniff whats in his head but this is one thing which keeps confusing me...if he loves me or confused or doesnt want to accept ..just cant figure it out at all whats running in his head...I dont know if I should wait for him to tell things or I should go talk to him... I am scared to lose him sometimes and I just dont know what to do....

Hey Scarlet

First of all never fear saying things that are important to you even if you think you might loose him. Marriage is a huge step in life and you want to be 100% certain that everything is hitting on all cylinders before you cross that line. So never "tip toe" around any discussion you feel you need to have since all this stuff will blow up on you after you tie the knot.

This guy really is acting strange when it comes to love. Here it the reality of it all - a man that loves a woman enough to want to marry her should always we willing to tell the world that he loves her. When I decided to propose to my wife I would have gladley told anyone and everyone that I love her with all my heart. So he can't even tell you this so you need to point this out to him. The funny thing here is that is does love you and shows every indication that he loves you enough to marry you. So this stupid thing about him not telling you is really getting old - tell him that full stop. Tell him you love him and you will consider marriage but only if he is willing to profess his love and committment to you not only to yourself but to the community. Tell him if he is not ready for that step then you will wait for him to get to that point but expect progress in that area.

Its me again...username is a bit modified. An extra 1 is hanging by my userID because I had difficulties logging in !!


Well...believe it or not ! I am still stuck at the same BIG question of my life "Does he love me or no?" Whenever I ask him if he loves me, his answer is a straight NO. But when I asked him if it wasnt for his two ex-gfs in the past and if me and him were to meet in the same way as we did now, would he say that he loved me....when I asked him this question almost 3 weeks ago, his immediate answer was "I would have definitely married you"....when I asked him the same question few days ago...probably I would have loved you..or dont know..cant say !!" He added..."I like being with you. I cannot stay without talking to you. I like you." I dont know what all of this signify.

Both of us are in a career which requires a lot of concentration and it is very competitive. My best guess would be he is stopping himself from loving me because he thinks love or any relationship can distract him from his career and he doesnt want that to happen. The worst thing would be that he doesnt love me at all. But, if he doesnt love me then why does he act like one ?

Nunnzie, give me some good advice and nice words...tell me what you have got to say...Waiting...Sorry again if this is long

Eagerly waiting for someone to answer...please help...I am in dire need of a very good advise which might work things out... I am too scared to lose him !

Hey Scarlet

Sorry for the delay - traveling this week so not on the net that much.

The more you go down the road with this guy the more immaturity he is showing in terms of being capable of having a loving relationship. It's pretty much a joke when he makes statements like he wants to marry you and stuff like that and then tells you he doesn't love you. The longer he plays this game the more concerned I would get if I were you. Yes he has had some bad experiences with previous relationships. Yes he has a stressful job that demands concentration. But love rises above all of that and is able to take command if true love is there between two persons. So in my opinion there is no more place for excuses in your discussions with him. The time has passed for excuses and if he has shown little movement in the recent months then that is a signal that he has no intention of changing his ways anytime soon.

I think at this point you really need to be thinking about moving on if he isn't showing improvement in his maturity. I really do think you need to tell him point blank that you are tired of the games and lack of maturity he is displaying and make it clear that he either shape up and get on board or you will move on and stop wasting time in a dead end relationship.

Believe me - I know this is a tough fork in the road to you and you don't want to loose him. But also you must also recognize that these years you are wasting on a relationship that is going nowhere is harmful to you and better spent on dating more mature guys or focusing on your career. If you wait for him to come around you eventually will look back on this part of your life with a lot of regrets which is something you can avoid by taking action now.